Even though H and I progressed a little bit, i've been felt so lonely, depressed and stucked. Now i know that it is because H and I DON'T have emotional closeness, we are not even best friends or friends.<BR>I cannot share my emotions without being blame for what i've done to our marriage and H always remind me his pain and that now he can't and won't love me again. About a week ago he proposed to me to stay together in a loveless marriage for our son, and i don't think that our son deserves to live in a family where the father and mother doesn't love each other even though they not fight all the time.<BR>Today i was sharing my feelings with my husband and i realized that his way of love is sharing time with the loved one, so he cannot forgive me that about a year and a half ago while we were fighting about our so different interests i told him that it was OK to do things separately. I didn't mean to have separate lives but he understands that, and now he is always remembering that and using that to justify that now he is always working and doing HIS things alone without even consider to share time just the two of us.<P>Now i feel so tired about this relationship, i feel so depressed. If you can ask me right now i could say that i don't care if this marriage will success or fail, i don't care if he stays or if he leaves. All i want to do is lay down on my bed and forget my feelings and be happy again just with my son, i don't want him around me because he makes me feel so cold and unworthy (he says nothing,it is just his attitude). I am beggining to have self-esteem problems, maybe i always had them but now they are so strong. <BR>The only thing i really want to do is buy a treadmill and begin to run until all these feelings are gone, until my head and heart can concentrate only in my own wealthfare and in my son's so i can decide if i want to file for divorce or accept that weird proposition (staying in a loveless marriage).<BR>I don't think i love my husband anymore, but i am not able to decide if i want to be divorced. We live confortably (in peace) but the loveless situation sometimes kills me and i want more, i want love!!! I want a friend and a partner, but maybe i am afraid that i will never find one. Could it be the reason to still stay in this relationship?<P>Does this make any sense?

Hi, Honey. I'm sorry.<P>Robert's on his way home and I've been out of town all day...I'll pop back in tomorrow, ok?<P>Just a note, though. You know me, the eternal optimist.....I don't think you HAVE to be stuck in a "loveless" marriage, no matter WHAT has happened in the past. I think you have the power and the strength to change that. It's gonna be hard, if he's fighting it, but it IS possible and I think you have it in you to do it. And, if so, what a WONDERFUL gift for your son, huh?<P>Oh, darn....I gotta run, but, like it or not, I'll be back!<P>Remember, WE care and WE love...<P>Hugs and prayers,<P>Lori

Thanks Lori,<P>I'll be waiting for more of your wise advice!!

to the top. Just waiting for your response.

I know, I know, I'm sorry! Too much company, not enough time!!!<P>I'm coming though...I promise I haven't forgotten!<P>Lori

To the top.<P>BTW, Lori i've just re-read your post and i've been thinking that you're right. It is my choice to live or not in a loveless relationship, i cannot force him to love me but i can love him. So i am choosing to live in a love relationship, let's see what happen in the future.

Ok, I went to bed last night thinking that if I didn't get anything else done today, I'd write this!!! I'm so sorry it took so long. I really am.<P>I think you're getting the idea all by yourself. Now, my way of thinking may not be so very popular. And I'd like to START by saying that I don't believe anyone should be sentenced to a lonely life of no love for any reason whatsoever. I just feel like you have the power to change what your husband feels. It'll be slow, it'll be hard and it'll mean doing without what YOU need for a long long time, but I do believe it's possible. I've seen it happen on these boards, I've seen it happen with me and Robert, I know it's possible. Not guarenteed, but possible. You just have to keep being strong.<P>There are things he'll have to deal with on his own and that will take time. The pain, forgiveness....that timetable is different for everyone, but, in the right environment, he CAN heal....without even trying. Quite honestly, Sweetheart, right now, he doesn't want to. He NEEDS to think you're feeling some of his pain....he needs to wallow and to punish. That will ease over time. He has DECIDED that he will never love you again and he will fight like hell to make sure he doesn't. That will make your job harder, but not impossible. Because, you know, underneath all that junk, he still DOES love you....otherwise there would be no pain. Know what I mean?<P>Now, your plan A is working on you, right? Keep it up. Keep improving. Not just for the marriage, but for you. Do things to make yourself happy and fulfilled. Enjoy your son, enjoy yourself...you're worth it! I know he won't let you actively satisfy his needs right now, but he doesn't have to. Remember when you met? He wasn't "committed" to you. You couldn't share your emotions or hurts with him. You learned about him, showed him what YOU were, had a good time. You're gonna be doing the same thing again. Let him know you...and get to know the person he is, beyond the pain.<P>Look, he's gonna use a lot against you for a while. It's not fair, but it tends to be human nature sometimes. If he won't do things as a couple, plan regular (but don't over-whelm him) activities as a family, for the "sake of your son". It will do all of you a lot of good. Make them things that he will enjoy as well and activities in which you can shine. Keep living life as the mother of his child, as a family. Let him see the wonderful person you are, the person you are becoming. If you have a chance to gently do something nice for him, do it. Don't smother him, he'll just resent it. Just do enough that he'll notice you're thoughtful.<P>I'm NOT saying grovel to him, no matter what. Treat him and yourself with dignity, love and respect. SHOW him what marriage can be like. Don't let his words or his actions dictate yours. You must be consistant, when he can't be. You must be solid....Remember that he's in a sort of a "fog" right now, himself....and that fog of pain is hard to work out of. Don't push anything on him that he's not ready for, be ever vigilant though and show him you care, even though he doesn't want to see it. Just do it simply and gently.<P>Look how strong you've grown so far. Look how much you have accomplished in this mess that you never thought you could. Take the little things that show improvement and use them to bolster your courage. Take the rest of it with a grain of salt.<P>Do I know how hard this is gonna be? Of course I do. Honey, I tried to do all of this while my husband was convinced he was building a future with another woman....and was living with her. I had to do all this while the only thing he could remember about our marriage were the mistakes I had made, and I had to do this AFTER he came home, when he came home convinced he would never truly be happy, but he "had" to come home because he should. <P>We're working on 11 months now. I don't even think of PT or the affair much anymore, unless I'm writing on these boards. When we argue (and we do sometimes) or he gets on my nerves or I get on his, I never even associate it with the affair. It's just life. And life is good.<P>And the man who said we were never meant to be together, who said that marriage to me had been the biggest waste of his time there could ever be, who said, and I quote..... "you don't know how many times I wished one of us would die in an accident so I'd be released from these 'pits of hell'", now says I'm the greatest wife that ever was, that I'll never know how very much he loves me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he's excited about coming home every day, and more stuff you would never believe. (Don't worry, he didn't even REMEMBER the dying thing...or pretended he didn't for a while...that was pain and hurt and the fog talking, but it didn't feel like it then.) The man who wasn't the least bit interested in "working" on this marriage, who would never love me again, now comes up with little ideas on his own. Heck, he's already bought part of my Christmas presents....doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize that he's NEVER shopped for me b/f Christmas Eve in all these years. The man is in love again. Things can and do change.<P>Don't talk to him about YOU, unless it's just news and stuff, including him in your life. Don't talk to him about the two of you, unless it's to plan something that you KNOW he'll go for. He doesn't want to hear and isn't able to hear right now. You'll just be making things worse. Keep working on you, keep showing him how wonderful life with you can be, how happy your family can be.....I think you have a good chance. He's there...and I don't care WHAT he said, it's not "just for your son". But that's all he can handle right now.<P>I am NOT saying suck up. Well, not really. I am NOT saying that you don't deserve more...you do. I do believe that you'll find a great deal of satisfaction in what you accomplish. I do believe you'll see little cracks in the armour and that will give you hope. I do believe he will fight this, until he believes in you and your marriage again. But the hardest thing is for him to believe in himself, because this shook him to the core....and he's lost a lot of faith in himself and his worth, too. More than you realize.<P>And that's hard. But, believe in the marriage you want, without his help. That belief will shine through...you can't fake it! Build it without his cooperation....yup, against his will. "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Well, maybe it's not literally true in relationships, but we have more control over the way people feel about us and the way people treat us than we realize. And our actions determine, for the most part, their reactions.....AND their emotions.<P>Love is there, Honey. If it weren't, there would be no pain. He has tried to become numb to stop the pain that he sees as a weakness. There's so much going on inside of him that he can't explain, even to himself. He can't let himself feel the love, b/c it'll mean feeling everything and he doesn't understand that that's the secret to healing.<P>Be his lighthouse, his shelter, his "soft place to fall". As you were once the person who shook his world, now become the one solid thing he can depend on.....slowly and surely, the rock he can count on. The safe place to be. The pleasant place to be. And he will heal. And, believe it or not, it will help YOU to heal. And make you stronger and more confident. I know you can do this. But remember, he can't help you. Don't even tell him what you're doing, just do it. Remember it'll take a long, long time, but that's ok. You'll get back more in the end than you can ever imagine.<P>And, that, is my opinion. Never short-winded, am I? LOL<P>Ok, gotta run! I'll check in on you when I can. <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Trapito, Lostva gives great advice. No matter what happens, do "it" (plan A) all for you. In the end, it's HOW we love, How we give that matters... well, maybe that's just what I think.<P>Lor, your replies are always there when I need them. Thanks.

Lori,<P>I just wanted to echo what tootrusting said....your replies are always there when we need them. What you wrote in this reply was absolutely amazing, and a true inspiration to all of us that are trying to save our marriages. Thank you so much.

Lostva,<P>I know you were posting to Trapito but you were posting to me as well! What you wrote made so much sense, and I am also going to apply it in my life with my H. immediately! You always make me feel as though there really is hope....THANK YOU SO MUCH!<P>Trapito,<P>Listen to Lostva, as usual, she is right! Good luck and keep us all posted!

{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}<P>Thank you so much for your advice, as always it gave me hope and strenght to continue. I will apply it immediately.<P>And thank you all of you for your encourage.<P>Bless you