<B>A Tortured Soul</B><BR>By Faye Valentine<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>“Here lies a tortured soul. Tortured from the day she was born until the day she died.”</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> This is what her tomb inscription will say. <P>She tried so hard to figure out why she was cursed with loneliness, with sadness, with pain, but could not find an answer. As she went through her life, she tried to make things right, but they always turned out wrong. No matter what she did, everything was wrong. When she tried to do as she was told, she would mess up or make a mistake and the pain and sadness would begin. She was told that she wasn't perfect, that everyone makes mistakes, but she knew better. She told herself that no one could ever make the horrible mistakes she has made. She always thought that no matter how much she tried to make things right that her mistakes would haunt her forever, forever blowing up in her face. <P>She couldn't understand why she was cursed with so much misfortune. She couldn't understand why things had to be this way, but she never accepted that they just were that way. Every time she asked herself what she did to deserve this, she remembers her horrible mistake, a mistake that will forever hurt her. The pain will last as long as she lives and never fade. She tried to deal with the pain by being quiet, but somehow that got her into more trouble. She finally understood why she couldn’t be quiet. She finally realized that society scorns people who are <I>"quiet"</I> and <I>"shy"</I>. Those people are tortured emotionally with the silence that society deals them as their punishment for being <I>"quiet"</I>. She doesn't fully understand this idea, but maybe one day she will. <P>Growing up, her only defense, in spite of her horrible childhood, was silence. She felt no one could destroy her if she kept quiet. Sure, people would yell at her, but if she kept quiet, no one could destroy her mind. She learned this ideal early on and has carried it with her into adulthood. She felt it was her protection, her only defense, her last defense to safeguard her mind, her emotions, her identity. But in the end, this same defense turned people away from her and forced her into loneliness. She couldn’t understand why nobody would see it as protection, her protection, her last defense to save herself. She couldn’t understand why it was questioned, why it was poked and prodded. She thought if she could be quiet then things would go away and her pain would fade. <P>She was wrong. Instead, her pain grew, along with the empty black hole of emptiness until it almost surrounded her forcing her to almost take her life while still a teenager. She was so scared. She couldn’t cut her wrists and bleed to death like she wanted, so she cut up both of her arms instead. In a warped sort of way, it made her feel better inside even though her arms felt like they were on fire. She was so scared at what she’d done that she tried to cover it up, but she never thought a simple touch from someone else could hurt so much. That touch exposed her arms and exposed her in a whole different light. She now had a new name; she was called a <I>“cutter”</I>. It didn’t matter that she only did it once, that name would stick with her for the rest of her life. That name hurt her; it hurt more than the actual slicing into her skin. She couldn’t understand why when she tried to protect herself from her pain why it caused her more pain. She couldn’t understand that why when she tried to protect herself from people hurting her that it ended up making it worse. <P>But then she went and made a horrible mistake; she trapped her husband and made a baby. She thought the pain was unbearable in her childhood, but it was going to get a thousand times worse. Because of this horrible mistake, her husband hates her. She’s been told that he still has feelings for her, but she knows better. She often asked herself why anyone would have feelings for a person who did this to another. Also, her child is starting to dislike her and draw to another. She starts to feel sorry for herself, but then she realizes that she caused all of this mess and that she deserves everything that comes out of it. She doesn’t think there’s anything she can do to change it. She could be the nicest person in the world and it would still haunt her, making her miserable. <P>She hates what she’s become after this mistake. Though no one has told her this, she thinks she is a failure. She thinks she’s no better than a gold-digging whore. She hates her herself with so much intensity that it’s amazing she can even look in the mirror at herself without destroying it. <P>She’s sorry for what she’s done, so sorry. She doesn’t think anyone will understand how sorry she is. She’s sorry she caused this mess. She’s sorry she trapped her husband. She’s sorry she made a baby, even though she loves him. She’s sorry she’s not a good mother and wife, she’s not even a decent mother or wife. She’s so ashamed of herself. There’s nothing she can do but suffer in silence. It is her eternal punishment for what she’s done.<P>She’s been told that she should talk about her pain, but she feels no one is there to listen to her. She doesn’t want to be a pain, a burden, as she often feels. She doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her, that’s why she doesn’t talk much. She figures the less they know about her, the less she has to explain, and that equals less pain to experience. But, unfortunately, that formula doesn’t work well in society. Society likes to <I>“talk”</I> about everything. Society doesn’t like people who don’t <I>“talk”</I>. It seeks them out in witch-hunts until it finds one. It then tortures that one until it <I>“talks”</I>. This called <I>“enlightenment”</I>. This is what <I>“quiet”</I> people have to go through in order to be accepted as a human being into society. Society doesn’t understand that sometimes it’s painful to talk, that it’s not easy to talk. Sometimes she wishes society would leave her alone, but then she remembers her <I>“family”</I>.<P>She remembers her family, the ones that were there for her growing up. They’re not the ones she lived with, but the ones she sees every once in awhile. She remembers that they care for her and that they want her to be happy. She doesn’t think she can be happy. She doesn’t think she deserves it. After the horrible mistake she made, she thinks she deserves what she gets—pain and a lot of it. She doesn’t think she’ll ever forgive herself for this because she’s destroying two other people’s lives and wasting her family’s time. Her family tries to tell her that she’s not wasting their time, but she can’t forgive herself for that. <P>She hates herself. She wishes she could be someone else, but she knows that will never happen. She wishes she could crawl in her bed and under the covers and stay there, but she knows she can’t. She knows she has to pay for her mistakes in her dreams, her thoughts, her every waking moment. She knows she will pay for the rest of her life, but she doesn’t think she’s strong enough to deal with it. She wants it to go away, but she doesn’t think it ever will. She thinks the pain will remain constant until it kills her.<P>She hopes that no one cries for her when she dies. She hopes that they will continue on with their lives. She hopes they will forget about her as society has. She hopes that they will soon forget their bad memories of her. She hopes they will forget her pain, the pain that tortured her from the inside out for years until the end. She hopes they will forget about her mistakes. She hopes they will forget about her and act as though she didn’t exist, as though she were a bad dream. She doesn’t want to be missed. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone that way.<P>Ironically, the same pain that tortured her was the same pain that killed her. She suffered more in her last moments of live than in her entire life. She died a horrible death, fitting for her since she did these horrible things.<P>Now, she sits in a dark tunnel, staring at the light, but unable to walk towards it. Her pain has her chained to the floor and all she can do is look and wish she could walk into it. She wishes her pain would go away, but she has to spend the rest of her death suffering by watching others go into to the light where she should’ve gone.<P>A single tear falls down her cheek and puts her head down.<p>[This message has been edited by Faye Valentine (edited November 21, 2000).]

Hi Faye...<P>Just wanted to let you know I am reading this, and that I do care about you, although we have never met. I went and looked uo your old posts to see if they could help me understand better what you are going through, but unfortunately they don't tell me too much.<P>I do know this, whatever mistakes you have made, nothing you could have done makes you deserving of such pain. Got that? Nothing.<P>You may or may not believe in God. But, He believes in you, as do I...in the inner goodness and love, the bit of divine spark that is in you and in each of us. No matter how far we fall, how awful we feel, there is something very much worthwhile in each of us.<P>Please do not do anything to harm yourself. Your child needs you, no matter what you may think. And, there are folks out here who care...<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Dear Faye,<P>Please honey, hold on. I agree with kam...you do not deserve this. Think of your child and all of the people who love you. <P>You say you are quiet and do not talk much. Your writing is genius Faye...you did a beautiful job describing how you feel. If you print it out and take it to someone that could help you, it would tell them so much about you...and you would not have to say a word.<P>Please, please don't harm yourself...you are worth the world to your child, and I"m sure many others. There may be someone that visits these boards who feels less alone because of what you wrote...you may have already helped change someones life.<P>Please keep writing...you are good at it, and I know it's theraputic for me.<P>allison

Faye -<P>In many ways, I thought you were writing about me. But the one thing that made me think that it wasn't me was that "yes, I used to feel that way, but now I don't." And, I'm not dead yet. So, what do I have now that makes me think that I'm not the person in your story? I have hope. One single little gift from God.<P>No one is perfect, but if we believe in God, his son and the Holy Spirit - we are at least forgiven. You do not need to sit in the tunnel of darkness for eternity. God loves you, believes in you, you just need to believe in yourself.<P>Trust me, I know how difficult life can be - I tried to escape it, too. Society may not have labeled me, but I had. I put myself in the pigeon-hole called "despair." But someone once wrote that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you get through it. When a person doesn't have hope - hope that things will get better, hope that he/she can become a better person, hope that there are better things to come - that person just spends the rest of his life in a pit of despair. <P>We may not have a lot of control over the things that happen to us - or maybe we make mistakes that we feel like we just cannot live with - but we do have control over our attitude. We can choose to accept ourseleves and all of our mistakes or we can continually berrate ourselves for no reason. We can hide or we can forge ahead. We can give up, give in or choose to carry on. If you have hope, no mountain is too high, no river too deep, no challenge too great that we can not overcome it.<P>I will pray that God opens your heart to the wonderful gift he has given all of us - the gift of hope. Life may seem like it sucks right now, but its not always going to suck. Everyone makes mistakes - I'm the self-professed queen of mistakes - but you can learn and grow from them. All is not lost, you may have lost your way, but you are not lost. You are not hopeless, you are not worthless. You are a valuable person, and we need you - all of us do. No man (or woman) is an island - what happens to one, happens to all.<P>You do not need to suffer. Fear, self-pity, despair do not need to be your chains. No problem is too great, no person too small that he/she is forgotten by God. You do not need to be a tortured soul - no one does. But, you do have to believe in yourself and have hope. Don't despair. You are worth so much more than that.

kam6318:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Just wanted to let you know I am reading this, and that I do care about you, although we have never met. I went and looked uo your old posts to see if they could help me understand better what you are going through, but unfortunately they don't tell me too much.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Contrary to what you think, you do know me, you just don't know me under this name. You won't find very much information about me under this name because I made it that way. I'm pretty sure you'll figure out who I am, but if you do <B>please DO NOT tell anyone!!!</B> It is very important that you keep my identity a secret because if my husband found out I was posting this stuff, it would further weaken our already frail marriage. So, if you know, <B>NEVER call me by my other name!!!</B> I would greatly appreciate it. I won't be giving you anymore clues than that because anymore would have people thinking the wrong thing about me and it would have my husband thinking I was nuts. <P>Don't bother looking up my other posts. There's nothing to find. I created this username so that I could express myself without being judged too harshly. I wanted to be able to express myself freely, something I'm not able to do with my other username. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I do know this, whatever mistakes you have made, nothing you could have done makes you deserving of such pain. Got that? Nothing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm glad you feel that way, but I don't. I can't forgive myself of what I've done and I'm pretty sure my husband and my son will never be able to either.<P>I was crying the other day because of how cold my husband has become. After awhile, I stopped and realized that I did this to myself and I deserve everything that's happening. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Please do not do anything to harm yourself. Your child needs you, no matter what you may think. And, there are folks out here who care...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was afraid this part of my story would be misunderstood. I was merely telling a story of how empty my life would be as I continue to suffer like this. I never said I would harm or kill myself. If you read this part: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She couldn’t cut her wrists and bleed to death like she wanted, so she cut up both of her arms instead.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You would understand that even if I wanted to kill myself that I'm too much of a scared cat to do it right. Besides, my arms hurt pretty bad and I haven't tried anything that stupid since I was a teenager.<P>Thanks for your concern, kam6318. I didn't right this story to tell people I was going to kill myself, I wrote it because it was the only way I could think of at the time to summarize what I'm going thru. I can't exactly say it in words because I'm a quiet person and talking isn't exactly my thing. Writing seems to suite me much better.<P>Thank you for caring for me.....<P><BR>az allison:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Please honey, hold on. I agree with kam...you do not deserve this. Think of your child and all of the people who love you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not going to do something stupid to myself, if that's what you think. If you really think about it, I do deserve what's happening to me. If I never made that horrible mistake, I would never be where I am right now. My situation is a perfect example of "cause and effect". I "caused" the problem and now I have to live with the "effects" for the rest of my life. <P>I try thinking of all the people who care about me, but it hurts to think about them too. You know, I disappointed everyone who knew about my mistake. They're trying so hard to help me and all I'm doing is letting them down. That hurts even more.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You say you are quiet and do not talk much. Your writing is genius Faye...you did a beautiful job describing how you feel. If you print it out and take it to someone that could help you, it would tell them so much about you...and you would not have to say a word.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I am quiet. I don't like talking to people in person that I don't know. This is the only way I could think of to describe the way I feel because if I try to say it, it:<P>1.) comes out wrong<BR>2.) gets misunderstood<BR>3.) sounds stupid<P>I figure that writing is much better suited for me since I don't talk very much. <P>As far as printing it out goes, I was thinking of taking this to a "friend" of mine, but I'm afraid she would think the same things you guys are thinking, that I'm trying/going to kill myself. That's not the case. It's just a story, a small part of it happens to be fiction (the end part), but the rest of it is true. I guess I'm afraid whoever I show it to would have me committed to St. Elizabeth's. I'm not crazy, I'm really not. <P>Thank you, az allison, I will keep writing. It helps me also.<P><BR>SKM:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Society may not have labeled me, but I had. I put myself in the pigeon-hole called "despair."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, I think you may have me mixed up with another group of people. Society does label "shy" people. You cannot tell me they don't. I've heard people say that "quiet" people are the "bad" ones, that they should be "afraid" of us. I've actually heard people blame "quiet" people for crimes and stuff like that. Society looks as us as oddities. Quiet people get left behind in discussions because we're too afraid to talk. I don't understand why it's such a bad think to be "quiet". I would never label myself something like this. It's too painful being a "quiet" person. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You are a valuable person, and we need you - all of us do. No man (or woman) is an island - what happens to one, happens to all.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't understand how I'm a valuable person. I screwed with other people's lives and messed up my own. How is that valuable? <P>OK, I have another question: Suppose I never told you guys about this, then how would it affect you?<P>Thank you, SKM, for your advice. It's going to be hard to follow it, though, but I will try. <P>Thanks to all for listening.<P><BR>

Faye, while I was reading what you wrote, I thought of my W. She would say many of the same things. She beats herself up over mistakes she made long ago. She hates herself for what she has done in her life, and carries the weight of the consequences like a cross. The difference is, she's not quiet like you. She wears her misery on her sleeve. I'm the quiet one in the relationship.<P>It seems you are feeling lots of the most useless emotion in the world: Worry.<P>You worry about your past. You worry about what other people think. You worry about how "society" sees people like you. You worry about the future, and spend your days miserable because of it. Am I right?<P>Faye, the past is the past. You cannot change it, so stop dwelling on it right here and now. Learn from your mistakes, try not to repeat them, but don't carry them with you wherever you go. They will weigh down your heart for sure. The past is over. Forget it and move on.<P>You cannot change what other people or "society" think, and what they think shouldn't matter to you one bit. You are you, and if other people don't like you, too bad. You are what you ARE, not what others think of you.<P>The future? It doesn't exist. We make the present every day, and how you view that present is entirely up to you. <P>Mistake? Depends on what you call a mistake. My W had a baby 11 years ago by "mistake." She had been told since she was a teenager that she couldn't have a baby, but she managed to get pregnant anyway. The father was the drummer in her band, and skipped town the day the baby was born.<P>That "mistake" has turned out to be the greatest gift I have ever recieved. <P>Babies are gifts, not mistakes.<P>You feel like a failure, huh? Faye, the only way...THE ONLY WAY to fail at life is to die by your own hand. You've said you won't do that..good. There is no other way to fail at life because there is no objective standard of success in life. Some people think it means wealth, some think it means family, some think it means power. They are all wrong.<P>A wise man once said "I'm just thankful I woke up on the right side of the ground today." That's success in life. If you wake up alive tomorrow, you've successfully lived another day. I view each day as a clean slate. A new game. Another opportunity. If you don't like the way today turned out, and you are given the gift of another tomorrow, how will you use it?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>It seems you are feeling lots of the most useless emotion in the world: Worry.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No so. I'm not worried about anything really, but what I have done makes me angry, makes me sad. I didn't know those two emotions were the same thing as worry.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You worry about your past. You worry about what other people think. You worry about how "society" sees people like you. You worry about the future, and spend your days miserable because of it. Am I right?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I'm not worried about my past. I don't care what other people think, but it does get on my nerves when people yell at me (I'm not saying you are). I don't "worry" about how society sees people like me, but I don't have to like it, do I? I don't remember mentioning anything about the future....are you sure you have the right person? It seems as though you misunderstood everything I said. I never said I was worried about anything.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Faye, the past is the past. You cannot change it, so stop dwelling on it right here and now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand you're trying to help me, but you seem to think that it's so easy to just leave the past alone when I have a chance to confront the person who made me this way. I wish it were that easy to just "drop" this whole thing. If it were, I would've never written this story.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Learn from your mistakes, try not to repeat them, but don't carry them with you wherever you go. They will weigh down your heart for sure. The past is over. Forget it and move on.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've tried that, but it seems that I take things harder than most people because I'm actually sorry and remorseful for what I've done. I can't just say "I'm sorry" and forget it. I screwed with people's lives here and I'm messing them up. I can't just forget about something like that, you know? Sure, in time, hopefully it'll get better, but right now it bothers the h*ll out of me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Mistake? Depends on what you call a mistake. My W had a baby 11 years ago by "mistake." She had been told since she was a teenager that she couldn't have a baby, but she managed to get pregnant anyway. The father was the drummer in her band, and skipped town the day the baby was born.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not once did I blame my son for this. It's not his fault, it's mine. I was the idiot that slept with my husband-then-boyfriend and got pregnant. I was the one that made him marry me. I was the one that made him miserable. I was the one that had to take responsibility for my actions. If you don't think this is a mistake, that's fine, but the fact that I acted like a gold-digging whore bothers the h*ll out of me.<P>I can't just say I'm sorry and forget about all the hurt and pain I caused my husband, I mean, think about it. He could've been free and happy, but now he's trapped, with a wife and a baby and he's miserable....because of me. OK, could you just forget about that? I would think it would be awfully cold of me to just forget about what I did.<P>Thanks anyhow. I will try to "forget", but it's not as easy as you make it sound. If you were in my shoes I bet you wouldn't say that so quickly.<P>That "mistake" has turned out to be the greatest gift I have ever recieved. <P>Babies are gifts, not mistakes.<P>You feel like a failure, huh? Faye, the only way...THE ONLY WAY to fail at life is to die by your own hand. You've said you won't do that..good. There is no other way to fail at life because there is no objective standard of success in life. Some people think it means wealth, some think it means family, some think it means power. They are all wrong.<P>A wise man once said "I'm just thankful I woke up on the right side of the ground today." That's success in life. If you wake up alive tomorrow, you've successfully lived another day. I view each day as a clean slate. A new game. Another opportunity. If you don't like the way today turned out, and you are given the gift of another tomorrow, how will you use it?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Faye Valentine (edited November 22, 2000).]

Hi again Faye...<P>OK, maybe I do know you, but that matters not. When I read your post last night, I did not take it as a suicide note, but as an expression of how you felt..at least I was pretty sure that was what was meant, and I sure hoped so...<P>Anyway, I know it is not easy to forget about the big mistakes we make in life. And, honestly I'm not sure we should forget about them. What we DO need to do is to forgive ourselves for them...realize that what is past is past and that all we can change is the future.<P>You cannot make the future better if you spend all your energy beating yourself up about the past. Or, going over and over what should have been said/done differently by you, or by others. Having said that, I'll also admit that not dwelling on the past is hard for me too, and a lesson I;m still learning.<P>You might not guess it from my posts, but I spent most of my life shy & quiet...thru my job I've changed a lot, but most people who know me f2f would still describe me as reserved and private...I'm pretty familiar with feeling a bit on the outside of things.<P>Anyway, I'm not sure why Im rambling about me . Maybe just to say that I empathisize with many notes in your post. <P>Hang in there, OK?<P>Kathi

Faye,<P>I thought I recognized your writing style.<P>You are right; you cannot ignore your past. You have to confront it and accept it. Only then can you truly move to the new slate you see each day. Until you make peace with the past you will be drawn back into it despite your best intentions.<P>Your husband is only trapped if you keep him in a cell. He has choices and he chooses to remain with you. You have choices...continue to build that cell brick by brick and watch him leave...or build a beautiful castle for you to share with your child.<P>Life isn't anime. Not everyone who hurts someone is An Evil Character. You are not evil because you have hurt people.<P>As Nietsche said (before Arnold), "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." You have the seeds of a beautiful, strong person, Faye. You will grow.<P>Hang in there. --HBC (hbc@tough.com)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I thought I recognized your writing style.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Shhhh! If you say it too loud someone is going recognize me and tell on me! <P>Let's keep it down, shall we? <P>Thanks.