A year ago my H told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. After several months of me changing my appearance, habits, attitude etc. with no change in his perceptions of me, I found out there was an OW. <P>He served me with divorce papers and was set to move out on Nov. 1, but had his first "coming out of the fog" experience and stayed saying that maybe we really hadn't tried to work it out. He read "Surviving an Affair" and was struck by it, at least at first. After 3 weeks of him changing his mind back and forth several times (including his telling the OW it was over and a 4-day trip to Florida for us to try to re-connect) he finally decided that he has to go with his feelings and leave. He says that despite our shared values and interests, our ability to have a great time together, get along well, parent really well together, he has never really felt like being very affectionate to me and I haven't shown him much affection in our 17 year marriage. He says he doesn't think it will ever change and, of course, he does have these affectionate feelings for the OW. <P>He "told" our five, four and two year old sons tonight. They were left with the impression that ALL of us were moving to a new house. Therefore, I will be left to explain to them the realities in the morning when they notice he isn't here.<P>I have been Plan Aing it for over a year and am worn out. I think he just thinks all betrayed spouses act like saints. Any advice on how I should handle the kids and how I should treat him at this point?<P>Also, his totally unsuspecting brother and family will be staying at our house this Saturday and he mentioned he was going to come back for that -- how should I handle that?

I think our spouses are related. My story is more up & down but very close to the same.<P>Hang in there for the weekend. Try & be as nice as you can be then maybe it is time for Plan B or give Plan A till after Christmas then move on to Plan B. <P>Your children they are so young, they will miss their dad & be confused if they don't see him every day. My H lived in an apt for a while very close to our home; he would be here till bedtime & on the week ends come early in the morning. <P>Good Luck, you will be in my prayers. I pray that God will give you the strength to be strong for you & your children, not to do any LB's & to make this Holiday weekend one where you can give your children happy memories.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited November 22, 2000).]

I do feel for you. In my case there are no young children but otherwise it is pretty similar. After two long years of coming and going and nearly four months of really positive Plan A (at least from my point of view) H left (again) last w/end. We talked, cried, hugged, and he told me he loved me but does not think we can build a "loving" relationship again??? He believes "too much has been said and done". He also told me he had not seen OW "for months" BUT I know without doubt he has been keeping in contact with her by phone. So I guess he is still in the grieving stage which added to all the remorse and guilt he feels makes for one very unhappy person. Of course i am tempted to comfort him and keep on nurturing him - but have resolved this time to hold out and let him come out of the fog in his own way if that is what he eventualy chooses to do. I am intending to write a Plan B letter but want to recover some emotional composure and talk with Jennifer before i put pen to paper. <P>Similarly we have a visit with friends planned this w/end so I am fully expecting an e-mail saying he will be here for that. If he does I intend to go along with it and Plan A with dignity. But then I move to Plan B. This long haul is certainly exhausting and must be so much more so with young children but having read SAA and talked with Jennifer I have also developed greater independence and strength and I know that whatever the outcome of Plan B I will be OK. But it has taken me a long time to reach the level of confidence in me that enables me to move to Plan B. To people that know me that would sound crazy - I am a professional person, CEO of a large organisation but the blow H's affair dealt me has taken a lot of recovery work.<P>I hope that somehow sharing this with you is helpful. Good luck and hugs to you and your little ones.<P>R

{Exhausted},<P>I know where you've been...<BR>...I too have been Plan A-ing for 14-months... (plus 5 months of a psuedo-Plan A)<BR>...and my W has moved out 15 months ago.<P>There comes a time to move on.<P>You sound like you're close to Plan B...<P>Take the first step to Plan B...<BR>...draft the Plan B letter...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/005029.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B isn't for Wimps!</A> for a "skeletal outline" I posted for Jo.<P>Also check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>You shouldn't necessarily be in a rush...<BR>... planning out the details/logistics of Plan B takes time....<BR>...give him the letter in the New Year!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)! It sounds like your <B>so</B> ready for Plan B... and Steve/Jenn can help so much in your transitioning!<P>Since part of your plan should include financial support especially for the 3 young ones... you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... and I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<BR>This doesn't have to be for an immediate divorce... but just for the separation (his desire) to move ahead more smoothly... without driving you crazy.<P>You have my prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Exhausted,<BR>I'm with NSR on this one, if you are exhausted & H has moved out anyway, Plan B might be for you.<P>I should probably tell you that I tried to do Plan B & failed. We went through 6 separations with me in Plan A. But a concept that did work in the last separation (when I was tired and lovebank empty) was to treat my H as if we were divorced. However, I also wanted a divorce by that time, so it wasn't difficult . <P>Some of the things I did (and this was with my counselor's advice):<BR>He didn't have rights to the house anymore. He wasn't to be at the house if the kids or I weren't there, he needed to call first.<P>We had regular nights for visitation that he would have the kids. Although, I never stopped him from seeing the kids anytime he wanted, but on his evenings, I didn't necessarily stay around or join them--hard if you want to be with him.<P>And, as for you & this weekend, it isn't HIS choice if he comes for that--and it is arrogance on his part to think his life with you continues on, despite his leaving you (uh, you don't need to point that out to him ). Whether he is included is up to you. "I'm sorry, that opportunity isn't open to you." And, you don't have to protect him, again, he left *you*, simply say to relatives, "H has moved out, but you are so welcome to stay here." I had my H's family here a week or so after he had moved out (#6 time, still Plan A). I invited H for supper, the next day he invited me out to the hotel to visit with more of the relatives that had come out. Very civilized. Oh, and we've been married 17 years as well, if you've got good rapport with his family, it is likely to continue. My H said at that point his family probably loved me more than him (H also suffers from depression).<P>Anyway, separation does not necessarily lead to the end of the marriage. You do have options. If you've already done the Plan A for a year, it may be time for a change. If you haven't already read DIVORCE BUSTING by Weiner-Davis (or Davies?) it might help you chart your course whether you choose to stay in A or go to B.<P>I wish you well.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thank you for your replies. While friends and relatives have been very supportive of me so far, no one really understands these issues unless you've felt the same pain. <P>Rosebrook, I especially identified with your story because I too was a successful business women before I had kids and stayed home. I never would have guessed that anyone or any situation could have destroyed my self confidence and self esteem as this has. <P>I don't know if it is better or worse to have H cry and tell you he stills love you when he walks out the door, but it does make it all seem like such a waste. I know that the thing I can't get over is that we never both tried together to fix our marriage.<P>I sure appreciate the warmth I feel from people in these forums -- it is encouraging to know that there are so many caring people in this world, especially because my life has revolved around H who hasn't cared for me for so long! Thank you!