I don't have much time, but got a call from my wife this AM at work. My 2.5 year old brought a book downstairs from my drawer....Surviving An Affair. My wife didn't know I had it, and is exhibiting anger and madness that I'd have such a book. "Give me a f*&*&^ break" is what she said. Since I have about 5 other relationship books, to diffuse the situation I said I have a collection of good books. She is still denying any of this kind of stuff, so I guess wants to act upset and shocked.<P>A friend of hers is trying to get her to take a course about "Light His Fire", and she is annoyed at this friend. I have "Light Her Fire". She said what is it with these stupid books. I answered that they are excellent resources, and if everyone in the world read the Light Fire books (and others) the world would be a better place. She said "well where were they before?"...her standard discussion point about our marriage. I said we can't change before, but I've learned alot. She said "well, I guess your next relationship will be good". I said yest it will, and I hope it is with you.<P>She was supposed to have lunch with a friend, but told me she doesn't feel like it now.<P>I'm sure this one isn't over yet. Any thoughts or advice on her discovery? I didn't hide the book, but it was in my drawer at the bottom. Obviously my daughter got in there.<P>If she could only embrace these concepts as well....how nice it would be. Thanks.

Rick, isn't it so difficult to understand how they can keep denying everything when you know it is going on? Almost like they are in denial to themselves, huh?<P>Your W is probably angry because she can see how hard you have been trying to work on your marriage and feels extreme guilt over the fact that she is still having an A.<P>I think it's a good thing that your D brought the book to her. Maybe now she'll think about what she has been doing and realize what you've been dealing with. In the very beginning my H read part of SAA (actually I read some of it to him, too), and was really taken aback by it. Then, he got to the denial stage and said it was all garbage. Now he's finally starting to come around and filled out the EN questionnaire, and is willing to work on our relationship. It just takes a lot of time and patience.<P>You are doing a fantastic job of Plan A. I commend you for being able to in such a horrible situation. I will pray that your W will wake up and smell the coffee very soon, before it's too late and she loses a wonderful H like you!!

Rick - sounds just like my wife whenever the word "affair" comes up. She goes into offensive mode - I guess as a way to continue denying to us and to themselves - because they've been reminded of the truth. Could be the intensity of her reaction indicates the amount of fogginess in her brain. <P>Hope you get some good feedback from former WSs. Don't over-react, sounds like you handled it as well as you could have for now.<P>WAT

Rick,<BR>My H left the book AFTER THE AFFAIR in the back of his SUV for several months. My kids are 12 & 15, it isn't like they can't read a book title, or don't know what the words mean. You at least don't have to explain to the kid. Or almost worse, I no longer had the questions about why dad left.<P>I think it is possible that in your wife's head, the fact that you are reading, you are trying to change negates some of her reasons for her leaving you. I mean, if you are willing to try...suddenly she can't cast you as the villian. She can say you were oblivious to her needs in the past, but she can't continue to say that & justify her leaving, or the fact that if she is having an affair, she going to want to go public any time, and if you're not the villian...she knows any body who cares will be pinpointing her as the one with the problem.<P>It isn't so difficult to have an affair when you are unhappy, but, depending on the WS own sense of morality, some have much more of a problem with being seen as the person who broke up their marriage.<P>I think this discussion could put a chink in her fog, it's just a bit of reality. If your marriage doesn't succeed, you probably will go on to a better, more intentional relationship, and she's recognized that.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Yo Rick - another thought. If the copy of SAA ends up working in the long run to get her thinking, please let me know. I've got a copy of it just waiting for the right moment to give my wife. <P>WAT

hey Rick,<P>My H (WS), read it and it made all the sense in the world to him. I hope she opens it and starts reading it. Reactions like hers are from the feelings of guilt. <P>I say its a good thing she found the book. Dont worry about it or her reaction at all.

Cleo - busting in on Rick's post here - I've hesitated giving a copy to my wife on the principle that I shouldn't be trying to educate her yet. This seems to be a prevailing opinion. Do you think otherwise?<P>WAT

OK, my $.02 worth. In my W's case, she likes to think of herself as "special" (don't we all), which means only she knows how she feels, only she controls her actions, etc. <P>Well, you can imagine that to a person like that, it's very difficult to agree that in actuality they have followed the classic pattern to getting entangled in the affair (not having needs met at home, getting close to an opposite sex friend, crying on their shoulder, starting to do things together, the rest is history). <P>So my W likes to think that she <B>chose</B> to do all the things to get her into the A (which is true), but denies the possibility that there is a recipe for recovery. In other words, she followed the classic pattern for getting to this mess, she can follow the classic pattern for getting out of it (no contact with OM, focus on marriage, etc). She won't buy into that. <P>And the books, such as SAA, present just such a recipe, and it "offends" her. Anyway, there may be some food for thought there for your W as well, if she thinks she's "unique".<P>AGG

As usual, thanks everyone for the very fast responses. After this occurred, I was quite anxious to hear any feedback.<P>This didn't seem to have any negative impacts. Got a message later saying she had made supper for me and the kids. Hasn't done that in awhile. After dinner she left to go back to her place. She is in a "stressed" sort of mood. She canceled her lunch that was scheduled. Seemed the discovery affected her mood. Good. She also found out that one of our couple friends that she has never called since this all started knew about our "separation", another friend told her...my wife is mad at her. Wife also told me tonight that any time she makes some certain meals that she knows I like, she'll bring me some, "throughout this time". Interesting choice of words. Don't worry, I'm not reading too much into it.<P>Tomorrow night is supposed to be "tell the kids night". We'll see what happens.<P>WAT...I'll keep you posted on what kind of long term effect seeing SAA has. I suspect it won't have much effect, since I didn't push it on her, and I doubt she got past the cover.<P>I also think that my daughter didn't bring the book out, probably some snooping going on to see what books I have.<P><BR>

Rick,<BR> I'm where you are buddy. I have recently bought a bunch of relationship books and am reading every word. They have been tremendously helpful, especially SAA and HNHN. I don't hide them. I'd love for her to find them and see that I'm trying to find a way to change my behavior; that I'm making an effort to repair our relationship. Even if she becomes angry. I don't see this as a major LB. In fact if things continue to go as they have for the last couple of days I plan to give my wife a copy of HN,HN for Christmas. I think that the title of SAA maybe too much of a turn off. She can read it if she wants or not but it will be available. If she (your w, my w) is angry I think it's because she feels guilty. That can be a good thing. The guilt is in her own mind and guilt is our soul's way of making us do the right thing.<BR> Take it as it comes. You bought the books for you. Their purpose it to help you cope with the affair. She may realize that. Trust in God that she will see the light. And keep up with Plan A. It sounds as if it's working.

Rick -<BR>Just a few thoughts - I am 16 months past D-Day. One of the first things I did was get SAA and read it from cover to cover. My H read part of it but of course would never agree that any of it applied in our situation. He too liked to think that he was special and that his A was different from everyone else's, even though it was the classic case and followed the same pattern of practically everyone before him. He was especially resistant to the idea of breaking off all contact with OW - although at different times he told me he had done so. I always knew that he was lying and we wasted alot of time with "phoney rebuilding". Anyway, to make a long story short, we are at the point this week where, although there is still much anger and still contact with OW, he has gone back to SAA and is finally admitting that it has some value and perhaps even applies to our situation. We have been separated since May and H has our 4 children for Thanksgiving weekend so it has been hard but at the same time I am heartened by his strong feelings and our dialogue about our emotional needs. We are where we could have been 15 months ago if we had followed the principles from SAA but maybe this is God's way of working and letting us know that He, not us, is in control. Anyway, most of my friends would think I am crazy, but I have more hope now than I have had in a long time, only b/c he is willing to consider MB principles.<BR>I guess what I am trying to say is that even if your W is angry or dismissive of the SAA book now, who is to say that the seed has not been planted. My advice is to just be patient and try not to LB - which is far easier for me to say than to do - God works in mysterious ways. Keep posting and reading. God bless