Hi all. I'm a first time poster but have been around the site for some time. My W (ws)had an A I found out about some 13 months ago. We saw a counselor and things seemed to improve quite a bit between the C visits and my following some of the principles found here. I still thought things were going well, but it has come to my attention that for the past few weeks my W is again seeing someone else (diff OM than first). He calls and hangs up if I answer, my W goes to his work (restaurant) nearly daily for lunch, she calls him on her cell phone, etc. All the standard signs. I don't know if it's been physical yet, but would not be surprised. I know who he is, where he works, phone number, etc. My question is, would it be wise or unwise to have a chat with this OM. I don't mean a confrontational type thing, just a calm rational conversation. I basically want to explain to him that we have a soon to be 3 yo daughter and we have just bought a house this summer and that I would appreciate if he would bow out of the picture to give us time to try and see if we can work our problems out. At this point since, as far as I know, this has only been going on for a couple of weeks I don't think he's after anything but a PA and I would ask him to think long and hard about if he really wants to break up a family and all the time and work we've invested in each other and our daughter. A basic appeal to his better judgement to do the right thing. My concerns are, is there is any chance that this would work (opinions from ppl who have done this or ppl who have been OP), and were my W to find out about it how would she view it? Would this be seen as a good thing in terms of showing how much I care and want to make things right and that I am willing to fight and do anything to win her love? Or would she more likely see it as a big LB and it would only push her away from me more. I am thinking that if he doesn't respond to my plea then he will continue to see her/call her anyway, but he's already doing that. If he does respond then that would help open things up for my W and I to work on our marriage. Please some advice on the pros/cons of doing this. Tough as it is, I can ignore their contacts and continue Plan A to try and win her back if this can only produce negative results.

Welcome <B>Scotch</B>...<P>You've been around awhile...<BR>...just as a point of reference I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>99% of the time... any contact with the OP is a LB...<BR>...and is to be avoided.<P>It will invariably result in a galvanizing of W's and OM's relationship.<P>You will become the mutual enemy of their fantasy!<P>There are virtually no pros to making this contact!<P>Now...<BR>...about your W....<BR>...and this is the real story!<P>Yes... you can voice your concerns to her...<BR>...make sure she knows your feelings...<BR>...and that by continuing the affair... she is draining your love for her...<BR>...and that the results will be devastating to all.<P>Make sure she understands you love her...<BR>...but it is a love that can be lost.<BR>Let her know you are willing to work hard on improving yourself... and the marriage.<P><B>Stick with Plan A as long as possible</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Well--I guess that I am the rare case where it helped. Initially, that is. I was nice and polite--I was on her side--initially. My husband, her boyfriend, was the mutual enemy. He was a liar and he duped us both.<P>Then I found out the real deal--she was as much to blame as he was. I didn't just lay the guilt on her--I ripped her from A to Z. If she was a dog (actually, most dogs have more dignitiy) she would have been yikin across the county on three legs with her tail tucked in.<P>But I guess that the affair was over by then--as far as I know. But the deceit was not--my husband just picked up where he left off with someone else.<P>So now I, MYSELF, have to live with being mean to someone, un-Christlike and un-ladylike, when they were not all to blame. I think maybe I can live with myself, however. <BR>

Hey Scotch,<P>I was a wayward spouse.<P>You sound like a very decent, VERY patient husband. Kudos to you for wanting to handle this situation in a rational, non-confrontational reasonable manner.<P>Problem is, you are dealing with irrational people running on hormones and pheremones. Your approach probably would do no good and cause more harm to your goal of reconciliation. <P>See, if my wife had tried to meddle with my affair partner, I would have been furious! Reason? She would have been trying to drive away someone I wanted more than anything in the world right then - the other woman!<P>I agree with NSR - it would be a major love buster! Don't go there!<P>Rockaway <BR>

Hi - I am a OM.<BR>The H of the girl I was seeing had a converstion with me at some stage professing his love to his wife and the need to try and resolve his marriage.<BR>I know it was wrong but my opinion at that stage in time was that the A would never have happened if he invested energy in the marriage from start and that it is to late for him to be sorry.<BR>What I did was told my girlfriend the exact details of the conversation and that gave her some ammo to burn her H with.<BR>What I am trying to say is : DONT GO THERE !!<BR>You will only drive your W closer to the OM bacause at this stage in time they are the most important people to each other in the world.<BR>If I could give my 5c worth of advice. Make it good and nice at home - make her unsure about exactly why it is she wants to leave you.<BR>Good Luck<P>

Thanks so much for all your replies. I think I was pretty sure of the answer, but did not want to miss an opportunity to make things better. You all made a lot of sense and I plan on following that advice. Thanks again.

Scotch,<P>I have avoided contac with OP(LRB) for fear of my wanting to beat him fistly about the facial area! <P>Now It seems my Notso Lovely and notso Gracious STBX is bringing LRB to meeting of a group I belong to. <P>At this point it no longer matters and I no longer want to kick his sorry-[censored].<P>I resent him for being the person to wreck my D's home.<P>Have a great day!<P>Bill

I went ahead and confronted OW. Because I found out about her almost right away, I called her the first week she started seeing my husband. She was rude and combative and it did no good. She went ahead with the affair.<P>I called her again after their second weekend pleading with her not to see my husband, told her he was everything to me. <P>After their third and final weekend together, my husband started seeing me again. He came home the following month and we soon found out she was pregnant. <P>I flew out east and made an unannounced visit to her just before she gave birth to try to determine whether or not I should stay in my marriage. I wanted answers. She spoke with me because she wanted answers as well.<P>I found out everything I wanted to know, sized up the 'competition', determined whether or not I had anything to worry about and have been in recovery two years.<P>My husband tells me that he is flattered beyond belief that I was so deeply in love with him that I made these grand gestures of love for him. He said it made him realize how much we had and how special it was. He is filled with remorse and the terrible fallout we must endure because of what he has done. Nothing will ever be as it was, but we have been surprised with the things we have discovered about each other.<P>My husband also said that my constant calls, my declarations to this woman of my love for him, her less than attractive attitude and response toward me made him realize he had traded way down when he left me for her. He admits he was angry at me at first and wanted nothing to do with me, but because I was tenacious and kept reminding him of what we had, it brought him home. And he is soateful he came home, grateful for the opportunity to save our marraige and so secure and grateful of the quality love he now realizes we had and have.<P>I did all these things before I knew about MB. I wrote him love letters wwhile he was gone reminding him of our history and our specialness. I once heard that a man cannot resist a woman who is in love with him. I made sure he knew how in love with him I was.<P>It's a horse a piece, I guess. A big MB no-no worked for me. It depends on the situation and the couple.<P>Follow your heart, show her yours.<P>Catnip =^^=

I've spoken to the OW many times....and I hate it. I have always been gracious and very christian. And believe me it is quite a strain to do so. But I believe in my case it worked out well, because my H told her "See what a good person she truly is". But all in all, I never want to talk to her again. Some of the things she told me haunt me....and you can never, never belive anything these people tell you. They are liars! So don't do it. You won't gain anything...just continue to show your wife how much you love and be patient. The fog will eventually lift.

Do it, but ask your wife about the relationship first. If you have a history of infidelity in your marriage, you have grounds for being suspicious. Why drag it out and leave yourself vulnerable to lies? See what you can get out of the OM. <P>Will it help? I spoke to two OWs. The first conversation happened when the OW called me to let me know of her year long relationship with my H. She said she felt guilty and was tired of being lied to and wanted it to end. She basically wanted to rush me out of the picture so she could get her hooks into him, but either way, it let me know about her existance. Before I knew, I was fighting a ghost, so although it hurt like hell, it was better to know.<P>In the second conversation, I called the OW (different one). It helped because it let me see a bit into what went on and why. The OW wasn't all bad. She knew about me and wanted my H, but she did have some remorse. If she still lived near by, I think the story would have been different. I don't think she would have stopped seeing him, but she would have known that the H had lied to her about our relationship, we were not separated. We were not roommates. And it was not okay with me that he saw her.<P>Telling does not always mean that the people will stop seeing each other, but it will establish that your marriage is real, you love your wife, and you don't appreciate the interference. It shows that you care about the relationship and will not tolerate the sneaking and lies. <P>The problem with silence is it allows the lies to continue. You may silently win your wife back through Plan A, but you won't have changed her dysfunctional ways of dealing with her issues. Gentle confrontation does that. Telling how you feel and what you see opens the door for that.<P>As some people have suggested, telling may put you at risk for making the alliance between the OP and your spouse stronger, but that will usually drive things to a crisis stage. In my opinion, crisis in this situation is good because it works to change things. Either the spouse will commit to working with you or she will do on her way. And if she decides to go on her way, it's better that it be now than dragged out over dozens of affairs and dozens of years. <p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited November 24, 2000).]

I must admit, the thought of doing this has crossed my mind. <P>My wife of sixteen years had informed me last month that she was leaving me because she had fallen in love and been having an affair with her boss, whom happens to be a woman. The two of them have known each other for over nine years and this woman has become a close family friend. My two daughters, 9 and 14, adore her.<P>Although I am implementing plan A at this time and it's still too early to judge any progress, I often have wondered whether or not a well planned discussion between this other woman and myself might help. Every situation is different. I know that this other woman loves my girls. If I could somehow appeal to her common sense, that what she is doing will ruin their lives, maybe it will do some good.<P>