Hi All,<P>Today I went to the Doc's. I started chatting with his nurse while she was taking my vitals and somehow we got on the subject of personal lives. Here's what she shared with me. (BTW: I did throw a lot of questions at her and she was fine with it)<P>She was on her second marriage .. married for 3 years. She told me that IF she had it to do again, she wouldn't have gotten married. She told me that her and her Ex had been D for 5 years. They D because she had an affair ... she said her 1st H was not meeting her needs ... so she left for the affairee and the A lasted 7 months after the D, then it fell apart. She then met H #2. <P>She told me that she still loves her first H very very much ... that she would go back if she could but she felt the resentment would be too much to handle ... she said she still cares very deeply for her 1st H but now he has recently remarried ... and feels the door has closed. Says she wished she would have worked on her marriage instead of participating in the A and subsequently re-marrying after the D.<P>She told me during the A she was certain she loved the OM with everything she was ... she wanted to marry him ... but after the D was final she saw him in another light and couldn't run away fast enough.<P>While I was there listening to this I started crying ... couldn't help it ... it was like reading the SAA book but now a real life story.<P>I just wanted to share this with all of you. We all struggle so much with all this pain and hurt ... not knowing what may ly ahead. I thought telling you about her and her plight would give some of you more strength to get thru the Holidays.<P>Love you All...<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 22, 2000).]

Thanks for sharing that story. It must be something to hear it face to face with someone. This seems to be a recurring pattern, having read about it in various places.

Thanks Jo,<P>Even when we read it, hear it first hand, all of it is so unbelievable. Emotions are so strong, time doesn't move fast enough, you know what I mean. I have met someone really nice, very interested in me, and moving faster than I can handle. It is so scary! I know it's a dead end, but it feels so good to have someone notice you, care about you, be interested in you, compliment you, etc. <P>We are so vulnerable at this time that this type of attention is magnetizing, the pull is so strong. Pray that we can figure out what is right and best for us.<P>Take care, MT

Yes, Rick37 ... it really was weird to hear it from a live person. It was so MB classic. This woman was not beautiful physically ... she was somewhat plain but a very sweet woman nonetheless.<P>So MT, you too, eh? I know exactly what you're saying about being vunerable and needy ... I too have fallen into a relationship ... I'm so damn scared because it feels so good to be cared for and treated like I'm special or wanted/desired.<P>MT ... please be careful, I know how fast this thing goes ... I'm right there with you ... the "L" word has been used and that is frightening to me. Just try and slow it down if you can ... I don't want to see you hurt again, okay Hon?<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 22, 2000).]

Hi Jo,<P>I hear you loud and clear! I'm trying really hard from allowing things to go further than I want. The funny thing is if my H just called and said, "I'm coming home!" I KNOW I would have no problem putting a dead stop to the advances from this new man.<P>This man could grace the cover of GQ; I'm so intriqued of his interest in me. I still very much miss and love my H. There isn't a Greek God in the world that could move my spirit the way my H does, sigh!<P>Anyway, please becareful also. I hope the holidays bring answer to all of our prayers! Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.<P>Take care, MT<BR>

Jo, your posts keep me on a roller coaster. I was just reading your other post and continue to be amazed at the hope you have for your marriage. Your H has been soooooo absent for so long. Your continued desire for him shows how you truly live up to your name of Resilient. <P>Although our circumstances are very different, I feel in many ways that my H is as emotionally absent from the marriage as yours. I've allowed negative attitudes to dominate me, and I keep reading your posts, waiting for your positive attitudes to rub off on me. sigh Keep posting Jo!!!! <P>I was thinking to myself on your other post, gee, Jo's H doesn't look like he's ever going to come around. Now she's beating herself up because she's seeing an OM. Maybe she needs to set herself free and make herself available for a man to meet her needs? She'll be two steps beyond her grave before her H ever comes around! My perception is jaded by my own lack of hope for my own marriage. <P>After reading the story in this thread, I saw the same flash of hope that you must have seen, Jo. This woman might have saved her marriage if she worked on her marriage some more. She appears to have made a decision she regretted when she divorced her first H. But here's where I'm wondering about things that might be worthy of discussion. That woman isn't you, Jo. Whatever caused her first marriage to fail might have followed her to the next marriage. Pure speculation. But what I know for a fact, Jo, is you've accumulated an arsenal of MB tools and you're using them at every opportunity. <P>The marriage you had before is a thing of the past. What you had before is unacceptable. Your goal is a new marriage, preferably with your new and improved H. Jo, your marriage seems like you're the only one committed to making it work. Until both of you are committed, it can't work. I wonder how anyone decides how long is long enough to wait? <P>I'm also wondering how anyone determines their own "level of skill" at MB principles. We're all here learning, but do we ever graduate? If a marriage fails, we all need to be adept enough to prevent that failure from happening again. Seems like most people here transform their marriages into something better. At what point do we know enough to prevent a failure in marriage from recurring? Jo, if there were such a thing as an MB certificate, I'd be inclined to think you've earned it!

Hey Jo,<P>Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I'm in another state visiting friends for the holiday...they're life savers taking me in, they even bought me the ticket to come here. <BR>Jo...you can talk to a hundred different people and get a hundred different stories...look at these boards for example. We know, and hope for, the big turn around...and it does seem to happen, but it happens at weird times it seems. Happens when we have finally had enough of it all. <P>I, for one, am thrilled that you have found someone that treasures you. God has a plan for us all...maybe he will help you make it through this Jo. You've been so strong on your own for many many years.<P>I see very few betrayers on here, or anywhere, that are happy with the way things turn out in the long run. But Jo, they were born with a God given consceince and have chosen to ignore it...their choice...free will and all. Yes, I know my H will someday crash and burn, but it will be too late...I've been hurt too long and too much to ever look at him the same way again. He is just such a dissapointment.<P>Ok, the weirdest thing happened...I went to the airport yesterday, got out of the super shuttle van and standing 10 feet away from me was OW's ex husband!!! I had not seen him for many years. We just sort of fell into each others arms (not romantically in any way). He was told last week about my H dating his exwife, by her...and he told me that my H and I were divorcing. First I"ve heard of it. We talked for about 20 minutes...very very interesting. He obviously does not know about her affairs during their marriage...I do. He wants me to call him as soon as I get back in town, and I am so tempted to tell him all. Will it hurt or help him? They've been divorced for a few years, and he is wildly in love with a wonderful woman. He did tell me that his ex is a total ice princess and does this sort of thing constantly...moving on pretty quickly from one relationship to the next.<P>I hate to get all weird about it, but this chance meeting was meant to be. It sure lifted a burden off of me in some weird way. I am at the point where I really want to hurt OW and my H and telling her ex about her affairs seems fair...I'm not really a vengeful person, but I hurt...and want them to right now.<P>Damn Jo, I once again turned one of your posts into one of mine...so sorry hon. I hope you...and everyone out there...has a good Thanksgiving today. This is my first holdiay away from my kids, and I am grateful to be here, but missing them terribly.<P>Love you all...we'll make it through these damn holdiays together...just hold on tight.<P>allison

Hey Allison!!!<P>I'm so glad you responded, just a bit worried.<P>That is so weird seeing OW's XH at the airport. A true meant to be meeting, God is working.<P>I'm afraid by the time Steve (your Steve) discovers that he wants his family back you'll be too fed up with the whole mess, but Allison, if you try and follow the MB principals by distancing yourself for a term you may be able to hold on to some love for him, that way when he's ready, and I'm almost certain he will come around, you'll be receptive to opening your heart to him.<P>Lora and I talked about your situation, we both have the same feelings regarding Steve, he's in a terrible crisis ... the worst of his life probably ... and he will make it thru it. What will be left when he finally comes to his senses is still to be determined ... and you have a say about that. I have no idea how long his turmoil will last ... it could be months more and then again it could end tomorrow ... but you can decide in the meantime what you want for your life. <P>In this last emotionally charged phone conversation with him he demonstrated total bedlam in his thinking ... he is so very lost. He hasn't a clue what he wants, and knowing that he could loose you and his family scares the living daylights out of him. He's so out of control, poor man.<P>Does Steve have the kids while you're away? Are you still in contact with him?<P>I can't wait to hear what OW's XH has to say ... I'm not sure about you telling him she had A's during their marriage ... I'm not sure that's something I would do (I mean I'd certainly want to), but will it get back to the OW ... and if so ... will she then do something evil via your H to hurt you back? Since she is an Ice Princess (which I knew all along anyway) won't she go to any lengths to ensure your H will be angry with you about it, meaning won't she try and get back at you for telling her X about her A's??? It could cause more riffs between you and Steve .. and I'd hate to see that. But you decide Allison ... just think about it some more, okay?<P>I'm glad you're safe and being taken care of with good friends, too cool they paid for the plane ticket. You just relax for a change and try and get this whole thing out of your mind for the next couple days. Just be good to Allison and treat her really good, she deserves it. <P><BR>I'm going to a friends for Thanksgiving. I want to go there, eat, pray, drink a little and come home. I've been pretty emotional the last two days and I just want to sleep this Holiday away. <P>Know that I'm thinking about you Alligator ... you're my good friend and I wish only the best for you, Hon.<P>I'll be on-line aft 7:00p WA time tonight. I'll look for you, okay?<P>p.s. sorry about the phone .. I have hooked-up my answering machine BTW and it even works ... quite the engineer, aren't I???? LOL<P><BR>Love you and Happy Thanksgiving,<BR>Jo<P>p.s. could you say a little prayer for Lora today ... she's seeing her H at in-laws for the first time in 2 mos ... she's pretty apprehensive ... which I'm sure you can understand.