So... after his visit to me at my job due to the urgent need to ask me about <I>magazines</I> ... I didn't hear from my husband nor see a magazine - until Sunday afternoon. I had spoken to his sister that morning as I am helping her with some computer stuff and we had talked about doing some work on Sunday. She had called me to say that she had a lot of other things to do and could we put it off for a couple of days. Then she asked me what my husband's phone number was ... and what his work number was. I told her the best place to reach him was at work, so she said she would try him there. She wanted to call him about Thanksgiving. And only because I assured her that he does care about his family, he just doesn't know how to show it or say it... he hasn't exactly been ringing their phones off the wall just to say hello. A little while later, I went out with my friend to do some shopping for the holidays (an amazing and horrible experience, grocery shopping the Sunday before Thanksgiving). And when I came home, his number was on my caller id.<P>After I got my groceries put away, I decided to call him back. I know, I know - I shouldn't have done it. But I did.<P>He wanted to talk to me about his sister. Wanted to know if I'd talked to her recently. I told him yes, that we had been working on some stuff together. He told me she had called him ... and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was hurt. He thinks she talks to him like he's stupid. I think they all talk to each other like they are attacking each other, but I didn't say that. I told him that from my perspective, they don't know how to communicate with each other because their mother never allowed them to - she spoke for each of them to the others. My husband doesn't talk openly to too many people - his family least of all. I'm sure he feels their disapproval ... especially when he is told that he is welcome to come to dinner by himself only. However, I know that this particular sister and he are so much alike it is almost frightening. If you saw them and talked to them, you would think they were twins. They are both abrupt and blunt when speaking with each other - and they wind up hurting each other.<P>I didn't say anything about the way his sister feels about his actions with regard to his marriage, and I said nothing with regard to the slug not being welcome in the homes of his sisters. However, I did say what I explained above - and I also assured him that his sisters love him very much - it is just difficult for them to communicate that to him under the circumstances... I said ONE of you has to be the strong one and understand what is going on, and be bigger than the other may be able to be right now. I told him it's a vicious cycle, and someone has to break it. I actually started to cry at that point, telling him that I can't get in the middle of it - that it makes me so very sad to see them not understanding each other because all they have is each other (both their mother and father are dead, and no close relatives live nearby). He said "I know" and didn't say any more for a minute.<P>Then he told me he was going to be dropping off those magazines for me... that he'd put them in a plastic bag so they wouldn't get wet or anything. And then we said goodbye and got off the phone.<P>I was crying worse once I got off the phone. He's going to be all alone and have no one - and it just tears my heart right out, because he's not a bad person ... just pretty stupid right now. Called a friend and cried on her shoulder for a bit. She said that she thought that calling about his sister's phone call was just to hide that he wanted to talk to me... I don't know.<P>So ... It's now the Wednesday before Thanksgiving ... I worked from 8am to 8pm today - I'm exhausted. When I got home, I saw that my sister in law had called me - I was supposed to go up to her house tonight to work with her on computer stuff. I called her back and told her that I had just gotten home. Somehow we got on the subject of her brother, my husband. And she told me that she just found out that he is moving out of his apartment to go and live with slug at her mother's house - supposedly so they can save money for their move to Florida.<P>So, once again, I am making myself crazy wondering what the heck is going through his head... Why suddenly contact me? AND never mention that he would be moving? And has he completely lost his mind? Never mind - don't answer that one...<P>And what the heck do I do if he is at his sister's house when I get there tomorrow night after dinner? What I WANT to do is ... well, I'm kind of torn between wanting to hit him in the head with a two by four and wanting to grab him and kiss him like crazy... Knowing me, I'll just say "hello" - my risk-taking behavior is not quite up to the grabbing thing, I don't think.<P>I wish I could make myself believe that he really doesn't care about me anymore - but he has proven over and over again that is just not true. I'd love to believe that he is looking for a way out and that is why he has suddenly decided it is important to talk to me again - but I have nothing to back that up - it is just wishful thinking.<P>This one hurts ... I guess you all have been right all along - it is time for Plan B. For me.<P>Thanks for listening...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<P>That's it, I am ready to plan b this man and I don't even love him ! Remember hon, plan b is to protect what is left of the love you have for him, and to protect your heart too. <BR>Personally I think it will totally freak him out not to have you be there for him. <P>Don't forget, I have been close to where you are now, only Mike didn't file , but only because he was too cheap ! And he wasn't nice to me and never called to discuss his family or magizenes or even our child when he was with wildebeast.<P>Terri, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty here. You truely love this man and he is a fool not to see that, we would all give our _______________ ( insert whatever body part you wish here ) for someone to love us like you love this man, including you. But if you don't plan b now I am afraid of what will happen to that love and what could happen to my friend's heart.<P>Now pardon me , but I must go stick my hand up a turkey's backside. I just love Thanksgiving. Happy Holiday. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Deb, <P>Thanks for writing. Sometimes I forget what others have gone through, and come through. You really did make me feel better - and made me laugh ... Have a great Thanksgiving!<P>Terri

Terri,<P>As usual, nothing brilliant to say from here. Just that I am, here.<P>You are so queued into your H - still. I don't know if someone in Plan B should be comforting the WS. But, he is reaching out to you and where does Plan B end anyway?<P>Don't be flipped out by this new move. It's actually a good sign to me. One is that it's really difficult for a "couple"(gag) to live with parents. Maybe I'm way off here but just how much can be saved living with Mommy? I mean, would adults actually take food, utilities and live in someone's home without contributng financially?<P>What I'm getting at is that maybe your H is using the move to disassemble "their" home. He can now leave the affair and know slug will be okay because she is with family. And as we see on the board time and time again, the WS's have made promises to the affair partners that they feel they must honor (barf, irony, hypocrisy). He may have promised a life with her, to her, but he is dumping her off in a safe place. Does that make any sense at all?<P>Or maybe, the lease is up and they don't want to sign for another year and I am delusional.<P>While you know I have been fully in favor of Plan B for you I get uncertain when I think that maybe the infidel is reaching out and testing the water to make sure that you are still there. I don't care what you have written to him, most of them just don't "get" Plan B letters. I think you are wise not to initiate contact yourself and exacerbate a situation that is not good for you or what you want. But it is a good choice to speak with him when he does reach out - within reason. Besides that, his reasons for contacting you are beyond lame and not the actions of a person who wants to be totally divorced from you. <P>It's such a damn fine line to walk, I know. Obviously your H does not like life when you are not waiting in the wings. But he's insane and thinks he can have it both ways. Now that's rare huh ?<P>Hang in there, change is once again in the air for your H. I am not one to offer false hope but I just don't see a total nothing here with your H. <P>I am like Bozos_Deb in that I want you to emotinally move away from this guy because he is so disrespctful and hurtful and I HATE to see YOU hurting. But I think all of us here know we each draw the line with a WS in different places. For me, the line is drawn AT infidelity. You have a long, long line and it has served you well. <P>Regardless of their manuevers, I know you are strong and your life is not limbotic. I admire that very much.<P>Happy T Day.

Wow ... I'm glad you wrote that. I HAD "gone there" in my head and wondered if I was truly losing my mind... Nice to know that there are two of us losing our minds, at least <P>Your point is well taken, though... at the very least, it will put some more stress on this shaky relationship.<P>Whatever happens, however, I will be OK. <P>Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri,<BR>I doubt that moving in with the slug's mom is going to be a step in improving their relationship. If he initially went crazy for the slug because of their rampant sex life...moving in with mom wouldn't really promote that behavior...at least I hope not . <P>I hope it is like Inshock's theory.<P>I would be wary, once he's moved in with the mom, of letting him use your place as a place to flee to.<P>Do what seems right to you, Terri, you've traveled a path not many of us could.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Lor, you know you are my hero!<P>Goodness only knows what mama slug will put up with, considering she knew that my H was married long ago and it didn't seem to phase her one bit according to him. I have heard that the family is more than a little bit "dysfunctional" (which would explain slug's origins). However, I would believe that my husband may feel somewhat uncomfortable in that particular situation.<P>A little MORE stress may be Just the Thing for their relationship, huh? <P>Talk to you soon! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>A little MORE stress may be Just the Thing for their relationship, huh? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>And if there was EVER a situation that just <B>screamed</B> for a Plan B approach, this is it.<P>I realize the <B>primary</B> purpose of Plan B is to protect your love for him, and I think you really need to do this right now. <P>But the secondary purpose is to show them what life will be like without you in it. Living with Mama Slug will be stressful enough, even with you to fill some of his needs. Without you, that relationship will implode almost immediately... especially if you hand him your Plan B letter in response to his telling you about the move.<P>Don't respond to the Caller ID from him any more either, terri... he knows how to get a hold of you if the need arises... but you already know that... <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Terri,<BR>It's past Thanksgiving now and I wonder how things went for you, let's hear an update ok?<P>I would have to agree that living with "MOM" can't be a good thing for them. I too hope that InShock's theory is on target, but we will have to wait to see if it is or not.<P>I know how agonizing this is for you sometimes, remember I've been there but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and I am still pulling for ya.<P>Genie