Folks<P>I am in a quandry. I have left on a business trip for 2 weeks and my W and I weren't exactly on best of terms when I left after me having LBd sending and email to the OM.<P>I have been away for 8 days and apart from the odd email to discuss our financial settlement which is also a LBr I have not spoken to my W once.<P>My question is how can I now broach any subject with her over the phone. I don't feel that we could be very civil to one another with a phone conversation. If I was home now I would have been talking to her and we would have gotten over the issues to some extent.<P>I have written to my D on email several times and want to talk to her but am afraid my W will answer the phone, so I resist.<P>I almost think that I should be commencing Plan B as we are almost at that stage after 3 months of Plan A which has seen little progress other than to keep us barely friends.<P>I really am at the crossroads and feel since I have been away that my Love Bank is almost at an all time low.<P>My W and the OM are still intent on living together in the near future as soon as he can make his way over (lives 2000 miles away). Any efforts by me at PLan A simply seem to be delaying the inevitable.<P>I do still love my W and if she turned around tommorrow and said lets make a go of our marriage I would be there for her. I do feel however that the feeling is getting less and less as each heartache of a day goes by.<P>Can anyone relate to where I am at? Do you think that I should continue with the no contact and send the dreaded Plan B letter?<P>Would love your advice as I am almost at the end of my tether.<BR>

inlimbo,<P>I recall from some of your previous posts, that she came back to you, but then decided to start it up with OM again. Is that accurate? My feeling is that this thing with OM is destined to fail. She seemed to be all crazy over him again after a trip to see him (or go with him?). Being far apart always creates some unrealistic feelings because you miss the person....it is a fantasy in itself that isn't everyday life oriented. You see the person on a trip, which isn't realistic everyday life. So, although there was the LB email/letter, I didn't think it was Plan B time for you. But only you know.<P>If this moving 2000 miles thing falls through, then Plan Aing for more time could pay off. Again, you know best though.<P>Aren't you still in the same house? If so, how would Plan B go? Who would move out? Does she have your number where you are staying now? If it were me, I'd call D anyway and talk to her. Maybe your wife will talk to you and be OK. What about sending something....express a card, flowers, chocolate, something to say you are thinking about her.<P>I don't see the thing with OM lasting long term from what you said before. I would think carefully before doing Plan B. However, of course your Love Bank level is important too. How low is it? How easy could it turn around if some good sign happened? Sometimes I feel really crappy and at the end of the rope, but I know that a nice smile and hug from my wife can make me feel much better and hopeful, so I know then that Plan A is still OK.<P>I would personally wait to see what happens when you get back. Rambling, but just my thoughts. Keep us posted.

I don't know all the details of your situation... but if you're in Plan A...<BR><B>you should be striving for as much contact as possible</B>!<P>Rick is right... "What about sending something....express a card, flowers, chocolate, something to say you are thinking about her."... if she will take them...<P>Apologize for the LBs...<P>Show her you can and will <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3902_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>protect her</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3901_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>care for her</A>.<P>Maybe... for a short while... reassess the <I>quality</I> of your Plan A. The Harley's have usually said to most first time counselees... that their Plan A wasn't as good as they thought!<P>If you really are ready for Plan B...<BR>...you'd be screaming the need to be there...<BR>...that's when you <I>draft</I> the letter<BR>...plan the logistics<BR>...get your financial house in order<BR>......and then... give her the letter!<P>Regroup your Plan A resolve...<BR>Make it very clear you're putting forth a strong effort...<BR>Do eliminate as many LBs as possible...<BR>Identify and <B>meet</B> those needs of her's...<BR>Allow more Plan A seeds to nuture and grow....<P>...and in time (always best after the holidays)... then go for the Plan B... if necessary.<P>Happy Thanksgiving.<P> <P>Jim

Rick<BR>Thanks for your words of wisdom. You seem to be able to put everything in perspective so well. It is true that I am still in the same house but work dictates that I need to go away for 2 week periods, it makes Plan A difficult. Your idea of flowers or some sort of gift makes sense I will do that as I know it has had positive effects on her before. For all intents and purposes she has made up he mind about moving on with OM so I feel a little overwhelmed by the bond between them right now. Still if there is a chance I need to pursue it till the end. I still love my W and I feel so sorry for what my D is going through right now at 12 yrs of age. Thanks so much once again.<P>NSR<BR>Thanks so much for your guidance. I have been around the MB for over 12 months now (originally fairenough) and have seen the countless assistance you have given various people over that time. You truly are an inspiration to everyone at MBs. I am truly sorry for your situation but always admired your persistance and resolve. I will do as you suggest and re-evaluate Plan A. I did have counselling from Steve in the early days so I know what is required, sometimes it is difficult to put it all in perspective when the W seems so focused on her resolve to be with the OM.<P>Regards<BR>Inlimbo

inlimbo,<P>Just something else as food for thought. I keep wanting to see evidence that it is slowing down with my wifes OM, and sometimes I sense it, but I keep finding out that if it was slowing down, it goes full force again. Just so you know that you aren't alone in this feeling of being overwhelmed of your wifes resolve and bond with OM, here is what mine wrote to OM the past two days. Obviously I snoop too much.<BR>----<BR>I love waking up beside you. I love being beside you and hearing you breathe. Do you have any idea how much I love waking up and seeing your beautiful face beside me?<P>Do you mind coming to my place tonight? ... I am looking forward to seeing you tonight. I had an amazing sleep with you last night. I love all the little kisses you give me thru out the night. You are soooo yummy...<BR>--------<P>Now if that stuff isn't sickening.....I'm still trying to Plan A because so far they haven't been in reality land (I still have the kids myself....she wants them in a few days), and I assume my wifes new freedom to be alone at night (moved out 3 weeks ago) is quite a novelty.<P>So, I'm probably nuts for publishing this stuff, but hopefully you can know that you are not the only one with the weight of a "bond" driving you crazy and making you wonder what to do next. Thank goodness people on here keep me grounded because otherwise I'd have done a series of things that would have LB written all over (show her snoop stuff, call the OM, etc.)<P>Hang in there with the rest of us.<P>PS: I'd suggest always sending her something when you are on these 2 week vacations. Flowers, teddy bear, fruit basket, courier a basket of soaps or whatever, send a card, postcard, anything...as long it makes sense to you (not an LB in some weird way).<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 23, 2000).]

Rick<P>I know you are in a similar situation and you amaze me with the resolve and dedication you have shown. I only hope that one day your W will wake up and realise what a great partner she has. You are showing a lot of character for where you are just now, keep up the good work.<P>It is difficult when you see what is going on between them, for example, the OM has bought my W an engagement ring and proposed to her. How sick is that when she isn't even divorced yet. There is no reality in this whole affair.<P>Sometimes I feel that I should just move on, and I might I add I have had plenty of opportunities to do so. Other times I think of the loss of what we have, and what we could have, if we BOTH worked on it. The effect of this on my 12 yr old D who doesn't know which way is up at the moment and just wants Mom and Dad to be together.<P>I do feel however that the affair has to run it's course, the heat of it has to die, and therefore become less attractive to my W. If this doesn't happen and a decision is forced upon her I feel she will always wonder what it would have been like to have gone and lived with the OM.<P>Has anyone else ever felt this to be the case?<BR>Regards<BR>Inlimbo