Many thanks to those of you who have "been there done that" and can help me now. I have posted about my difficulties in the Plan A/Plan B forum and would really appreciate more comments. In fact, my difficulties have broadened today - I had five hours drining for work purposes and therefore had plenty of time to think. I am wondering whether all through the recent weeks when I was doing Plan A and we were enjoying a whole lot of mutual commitments together - and enjoying ourselves - he really intended to go at this time. I look back on some comments he made as we got back together nearly four months ago and seem to recall that he said he wanted us to have good times together while x, y and x were happening. And now they are over he is gone. Putting all the bits and pieces together I imagine he told OW "wife and i need to do these things together - when they are over I will leave" - and maybe she gave him an ultimatum at the due time - and he went; that would certainly explain some of the huge despair and depression that he is now expressing (he wrote to me) - there we were enjoying life together (he acknowledges that we have had really good times together recently - and told me he loved me but said "I have to leave". <P>Maybe I am reading a lot into all of this but I am sure feeling like not bothering with Plan B letter and just getting on with my life; he may well still be in a fog - or, he must just be weak and too cowardly to tell me the truth - I would never have imagined that about him once but he sure aint the person I know these days.<P>R

You sound a lot like me. But I need to say that I believe that the Plan B letter is essential if you are the one that is cutting off contact and if you truly still want to reconcile. In Plan A, we show them how safe and wonderful the marriage can be. We show them how we've changed, how we've listened to what they've told us, and how much we love them. If they then still go off with the OP, that is simply typical. And, if we feel that our love banks are emptying, that we might learn hostile feelings instead of loving feelings, we go to Plan B. It is important that Plan B be explained to an extent to the WS because otherwise, he might just believe that we have gotten over him and gone on and then he might convince himself that there is no hope... We set boundaries in Plan B, we explain that we love them but cannot continue to see them under these circumstances, and we force them to seek to have ALL their emotional needs met by the OP... and most of the time the OP is not capable of doing that. We tell them in the Plan B letter what conditions must be met before we will be willing to re-establish direct contact, and we assure them that we do indeed still love them.<P>Essentially, we change the game, but, unlike what they did to us when beginning an affair, we tell them what the rules are, upfront and honestly.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My marriage was really pretty good, we had and still have great times together, but he feels like he has to leave (which he did last Tues.) <P>What has caused you to want to go to Plan B, or beyond, right now? Is Plan A unbearably painful or do you think Plan B will be more effective? I'm wrestling with these same issues right now. <P>Please don't give up too soon. I'm guessing that you like I are still grappling with the fact that H really up and left. Even though they say they are going to it is still unbelievable that someone you know and love so well can become a stranger in many ways!