Hi Khyra - in your response to me a few days ago about my wife's current behavior, your song titles included, "Can't Face Up To What I've Done" By Lenny Kravitz and the Heartbreakers. Couldn't find it in the local jukebox so I wondered if you can help me with the lyrics? Actually, what caused you to "Face up to what I've Done?" I think this is my wife's current roadblock to any more progress.<P>Thanks,<BR>WAT

Oh the lyrics to that song are well known to many for many different reasons. <P>She cannot take a hard, honest look at herself right now. This look is also known in AA/12 step programs as a fearless searching moral inventory. This is a step that addicts of all a nature of things and substances must take on the journey of recovery. They, like WSs are well known for the pain they cause other and for possessing serious 'internal server errors.' It is scary. It requires making the statement "I have done wrong" to yourself, to the OP and to your spouse - the 3 people in this world who it is hardest to admit this to.<P>"Face up to What I've Done" was a chart topper inspired by the memory of my H's old Ex-girlfriends, whom I KNEW he'd have returned to had I not made the effort to begin work on mending our marriage. But I'm getting ahead of myself here - hang on ...<P>It really started in 1989, when my H married his first wife. She was the first to betray him. When we first met and he told me about their story, I recall looking at him thinking, what freaking idiot would do that to this man, he is so wonderful!?! Well, I found out exactly what type of idiot would do it - me. Stupid me. Thought I was pretty smart then tho.<P>Anyway, I had been at my PAs for about three months. H decided that he was going to make the move to my home state, which also happened to be the state where he went to college. It was getting close to the date he or we would leave. Literally, one day, I woke up and realized that if I didn't seize the opportunity H had provided me for forgiveness, that I would lose my best friend, my life's partner, my soulmate. I came home.<P>But before that I recall that much of the fuel that fed my fire was thinking that he'd never be able to forgive me anyway, so I might as well get on with persuing my life, my fantasies and whims. All I did was create more pain and sorrow for him to deal with, becasue he DID forgive me in the end.<P>How do the EXs come into play in all of this? I knew, somehow that the minute he came back to my home state that he would find one of his ex loves and try to pick up where they'd left off. I know now that I probably would not have stood much of a chance against that, had it happened. It sparked my jealousy, insecurity and fear. And most of all, my deepdown love for him.<P>But, WAT, that is just my story. The point of which may apply to you is this - one day, your W may come to realize the securtiy, the warmth and love she has built with you. She may imagine her life without you - your love irretrievable to her and see all she stands to lose. Just keep letting her know that you WILL do what you can to work with her once she comes home. That she will not have to face it all alone. That you will not use it as fuel for future arguements, and that there will still be moments of happiness between you. Hard earned at first, but priceless all the same.<P>It was hard once I began taking a look at all the damage I had wrought upon our lives. It is hard being the bad guy when you are used to playing the victim (which your W is doing as best as she can right now - we all do). Encourage her by letting her know that you are not waiting at home in the shadows like a parent with a belt in your hand for the errant teenager to come home after curfew. Your role is not to discipline her or sit around in woe for yourself over all she has done to you...That yes, you will have times when you are sad and resentment comes to stay the night. But that those feelings come and go - but your love for her is always there. <P>That is the best thing I can tell you, WAT. I do hope she comes home to you and your family. She's a fool not to. One day, she will see that. Keep trying, because it is worth a try.<P>Carrie <P>

WAT<BR>Can you go to Napster and find the song? I have looked for music at the store and not been able to find it, also. I go to Napster, type in the title or artist and a list appears. You pick the version you want and ask it to download, it takes about 8 min. but then you have the song. I just save it to the "library" and listen to them whenever I want, but they can be transferred to a CD. <BR>Hope this helps. L

Carrie, thanks for your advice and your experience. My fear is that our marriage was too far gone for her to think she will lose her best friend and soulmate if she doesn't return - she thinks those disappeared a long time ago. I think the only EN I wasn't fulfilling for her was communication after the kids arrived. From there the domino effect took away her ability to fulfill several of my ENs. We did terrific on recreation, family commitment, financial security, openness and honesty (although she was not fully open about her loss of intimacy). Then the prolonged illness of our youngest son (cancer) threw a big halt on working on marriage problems, but we were a terrific team caring for him. We became local legends in the medical community because of how we handled and managed his care. You'd think that would have made us closer, but it actually worked the other way because she was so concentrated on him. She literally separated herself from me to do her part to care for him. At least our struggle was a life experience that can't be forgotten nor learned by my replacement.<P>Anyway, it seems that there has to be something that she still craves in our relationship for her to wake up. Realistically, our remaining son may be the only link, although I think we can start over, or else I wouldn't be here. Maybe I'm too pesimistic at the moment, but my point is that our relationship was probably worse than others at the start of the A and I feel there may be too little left for her to return to.<P>WAT