I am moving this question to this category on the advice of another member:<P>I have been using Plan A for about two weeks at this time. My wife of sixteen years had revealed to me last month that she and her boss, who also happens to be a woman, had been having an affair for over a year now. They have known each other for about nine years and have been growing closer ever since.<P>My wife had developed depression last year and although I asked over and over again if there was anything I could do to help, she said she just wanted to work it out herself. I suggested counseling and unfortunately this lasted for one session. She told me she couldn't stand for our two daughters, 9 and 14, to see her in this state. So at night, after dinner, she often went out with her "friend". I was easily fooled into believing that this was a good idea. The kids had also developed a close relationship with this woman. They think of her as an aunt.<P>I have two major dilemmas to handle while I am in Plan A:<P>1. I have a severe problem with my children seeing this other woman. My wife plans on moving out on her own after the holidays to a place close by so we can have joint custody of the children and not make them switch schools. This other woman, whom is also married and still living at home, will move in with her. In my eyes, this other person has also been taking advantage of the relationship to my kids with this lying and cheating that has been going on. Even though I have known the truth for some time now, my children do not. I have forbidden my wife to let this other woman come in our house. I did this as calmly as I could to avoid love busting and my wife agreed without any major hassle. She did say that after she moved into her new place that perhaps she and her "friend" might take the girls out for an afternoon. This other woman has also been buying little presents (beanie babys, Pokeman cards) for my kids these past few weeks. Like I said, I am beginning to have a severe problem with this.<P>Would it be considered a major Love Buster if I demanded that this other woman not see my kids?<P>2. My problem seems to be unique to a lot of others on this board in that the other person is a woman. I don't know if that makes my problem any harder or easier to solve or if it should be handled differently. After a lot of soul searching and thinking, I really do not believe my wife is gay. I truly believe that I was negligent in handling quite a few of her emotional needs. This other woman, whom has no children, was able over time to move right in there. Unfortunately, most of the time she had my support. Dr. Harley does not address any situation where the wayward spouse has an affair with a member of the same sex.<P>I would appreciate any input anyone could give...<BR>

We had a poster here by the name of Alex who was in the same situation, you could maybe do a search for his posts or I think he might still lurk, if you posted directly to him here he might show up.<P>Soory for this tough situation you are in, but welcome.<BR>Lora

Dear Always Hopeful,<P>I have known a few such couples when I was a fashion model. I have observed that usually they try to play the same roles as in man and woman. Since you have stated that your wife is not gay, then she could have assumed the submissive role, continuing in her role as a woman who needs strong emotional support for conversation, affirmation of her opinions, gentleness, and protectiveness.<P>I have also known of highly intelligent and accomplished women who have left their husbands for another woman. Sometimes these relationships fail due to infidelity (yes, it happens in such relationships, too). <P>As for your situation, you have already identified the reasons that caused your spouse to drift away so there is still hope that you can right the situation by wooing her back. I think the upperhand that the OP has is that she is 'more in tune' to your wifes' innermost thoughts and feelings and they will be able to talk on both philosophical and creative levels as well as on unmet needs and fantasies in their lives. Men are often unable to meet the conversational aspects in women, but women turn to women friends or gay men for this very strong emotional need. <P>When one is lonely from neglect (could be physical or emotional), one tends to succumd easily to a stronger person who is more in control and dynamic. Since you said that your wife was in depression prior to this, then she could have found the help and care and direction and dominance offered by the OP a life-saver. She probably needed someone to run her life for a while and she found someone. So in a sense, it is not about sexual identity but of role play.<P>Because the OP has been seen as a friend to your children, your wife thinks she has little problem in continuing this relationship in front of the children. I think it is very upsetting if the children realises what roles are being played out. Please get your wife to go to a counsellor with you to discuss the boundaries where the children are concerned. OR you may need to bring your children to a child psychology some years down the road. Tell your wife this is serious and pertains to the future of two lovely girls that you hope she wants to see grow up and have a healthy, God-sanctioned relationship and marriage and children.<P>As far as the children are concerned, I see little problem with LB; the greater problem would be in ensuring that the children are protected from OP who might be a temporary anchor in your wife's life. Wouldn't want to mess up the kids by confusing them.<P>If you are unable to make any breakthroughs with your wife, I hope someone that she respects can do so. Is there a pastor, friend, sibling or someone who has the time and patience to help her through this problem? She needs you to be there as well but I do not know your full story so I am not sure what you have been doing and how she has reacted.<P>Important - discuss with her the issues of children.<P>God bless you<BR>weep