So I have been shopping all day. Spent yesterday with my mom and dad. H spent it with his boss and his family at his new job...great job comes with instant family too (sorry I am a bit synical right now) so he calls yesterday in the morning, he had promised to call the night before ...said he fell asleep. he called last night over at my folks house..which shocked the hell out of me...was joking around with my dad... <BR>what he doesn't seem to get is that I have been left to face my family, friends and neighbors and put on a strong brave face and cover for him..."yep he has this great job opportunity 3000 miles away and of course he will come home...oh no not for the holidays he is just getting settled the job is very demanding...or for the days that we have social events planned...or well you know we haven't worked out all the details..." they all look at me and smile and say, I am sorry about this...and if you need anyone stop by or call. So today I was christmas shopping and he calls on my cell phone...he is happy says he was thinking about me and decided to call...the reason I answered was I wanted to make sure that he still wanted to get his parents what I had in the cart...and he then said oh how about I take care of it here then I can just drive it up...save on shipping. Mind you I am braving the crowds to get this done because I know he won't take care of it...and well because I am constantly covering for him...he said well you know I haven't even thought about presents for anyone...it is the last thing on my mind...I lost it...so I told him that I was tired of this...and asked him what type of participation he was expecting from me for christmas...on thanksgiving he informed me that he would be going to his folks house, never said, hey why don't you fly out...or nothin...so I asked him when he would be coming home for a visit and he said he wasn't sure...threw out some non committal dates...see we have social plans that involve a lot of money for tickets...and now I get to find a friend or relative to go with...and of course then say "oh no, this is a great opportunity for him" <BR>he won't say when he is coming home, we talk for 10 minutes maybe each day about nothing...and well I have lived a year hoping that he would come out of the fog...but it appears he has gone from one fog to the next...he felt guilty so I back off, he doesn't find me sexy so I don't push it, and now he has upped the anti and moved 3000 miles away while we are a damaged couple and has now put work first...<BR>I am putting the christmas tree up tonight ...alone...I sleep everynight alone, wake up alone...I take care of the house alone...decorate it alone...and I don't care what anyone says you do act differently when you are married, you take each other into consideration...so knowing that I am married does impact all of these "normal" daily functions...am I married? I feel like this is a business arrangement...that I somehow got the raw end of. <BR>I told him that I wanted to talk to him about working out a plan for us going forward...how often we would see each other, budgets, how we would handle the holidays that I wasn't going to go with the flow each day...wondering if I would hear from him or if he would show up and he freaked said that the conversation ruined his day and thanked me for it..and said that what did I want from him a contract (I restrained myself from reminding him he is currently under contract, perhaps this is the problem he has forgotten) I told him that I felt I needed to call his secretary to get on his appointment book...he said that he was calling me now just on a whim...he just doesn't get it...I have no husband, no committment, no understanding of where our life together could possibly be going and no sex...we have no children so what am I doing here? I asked him to call me tonight, could he promise me this...he said that he would try...I can't even get him to call me so we can talk about this...so I told him that when he was ready to talk about how this was going to work and not on a cell phone while he is driving then he should give me a call. <BR>I am tired of being a doormat. I feel like I am the wife just keeping the home front going while he does whatever the heck he wants...and gives 0 back...no holidays, he screwed up my b-day, ignored our anniversary...and now without discussing with me taking a job so far away and left me hear to clean up his wake...<BR>I have never felt so rejected and alone in my life...being alone (single, divorced) cannot be any worse than this hell.

Hi,<P>I can't give you any advice but I understand how you feel. My H screwed many special days last year and this year. He didn't give me any gifts for last Xmas then he had a nurve to ask me how he could send a phone card to OW. NYE he just came home from OW(didn't know then) and we had a big fight because he was gone for days and he forgot to leave a bank card(I was left with no money!). Jan. 5th, my birthday we had a big fight again. He didn't give me any gifts. Our anniversary in January he wasn't even here..(I don't remember anymore). On Valentine's Day he spent with OW..<P>And I keep repeating the same thing again.. stop contacting, then I get my life going pretty well, then I miss him, so I contact him then first conversation/meeting goes really well, then next one become really bad(because H says so stupid/thoughtless thing and I just remember them so well!), then I blow up everything, then stop contacting, miss him, then contact him...<P>You know what? While I'm running in circle deep in mind I know it's not worth it. I know I do better when H is out of my life. Maybe I'm addicted to H or something..<P>If I ever talk to him again I won't ask about OW nor about him/us anymore.. because it's always the same and that will keep hurting me.. so I should be nice to myself<P>Sorry about writing about myself, but when I read your post it reminded me of my own story. I don't know your story, but I don't think you have to cover for him anymore... if you need to buy Christmas gifts for H's family just put your name on it... <P>And I'm sure being single or divorced will be much better.. at least you can look around for some guys or you don't have to wait for phone calls you don't even know when you will get.<P>I hope you find some peace for yourself.. at least you are not living with your H right now so do things for yourself and enjoy your (kinda) single life..<P>Take care,<P>Meg

Hi again,<P>I re-read my post and sounded like I was suggestiong you end your marriage!!! BUT I am not.. I just wanted to let you know that I understnd how you are feeling and agree that being single will be easier than being married and feel like a single woman.<P>I'm sure you are trying to save your marriage and just needed to vent. If venting here helps you not to blow up on H it's great..<P>Anyway whatever I write since my marriage is close to the end don't listen to me !<P>Have a nice weekend..<P>Meg

Thanks Meg,<P>I appreciate your writing. I have been wrapped up with family activities...christmas cookies, b-day parties...so tonight I had to put on the happy face and say no I am not happy about the job, but he took it and we go from here...so I don't think I was really covering for him anymore...<BR>I haven't heard from him at all today...apparently he is taking what I said yesterday to heart...or being stubborn. I am really proud of myself for standing up. I should have done this long ago...I don't view it as an ultimatum (sp? it's late ) but in a way I guess it can be thought of in that way...basically the ball is in his court. He can either step up and make a committment or chose not to...but now I am making him choose. I didn't say you have to move home, or quit your job, only tell me how this is going to work...let's put some guidelines around what is going on here...if he can't do that then I guess i know where I stand with him...<BR>How do all of you doing plan B survive...it's only been 1 day and I have had lots to do and thoughts of him have shot through my mind throughout the day. <BR>You know after yesterday I had silence in my head. Has anyone else had so much going on in your mind, yourself telling you what to do, giving yourself your opinion, all the self chatter it just seems that chaos is all around. The thoughts of family and friends and the WS...I couldn't believe how quiet it was last night...there was no self chatter, no self beating up, no self call to action telling me how I can fix this...it was silent. I had peace. I want to keep the peace so everytime the thought came into my mind about H I pushed it aside and concentrated hard on what I was doing. Have I lost it? Anyone who has been here before if you have any advice as to what is happening here or if there is a pit I may hit...let me know...I welcome all armchair psychologists.