I have just completed "Surviving an Affair" by the Drs. Harley. The book accurately describes what I am going through with my wife who is about to leave me for another person. For now, I am still in Plan A.<P>If I could get my wife to read this book, does anyone think this would do any good?

Always,<P>It can't hurt anything, well at least I think so. I remember when I first read the book, it is what helped me understand that my wife was having an affair. As we tried getting back together, I kind of insisted that she read it and kind of flanted it at her. I don't think that was a good tactic, as she really has some negative feelings about the book and concepts ever since. I would however encourage you to leave it around, talk about it with her, etc. But keep in mind that if she is going to read it and get anything out of it, it will have to be at her time and desire. Also, just thought I would share that for me, I got to caught up in thinking that the book was a magic bullet that was going to make everthing better in our marriage. The book does have a lot of great tools and if you work the concepts in the book, chances are your marriage can recover, but it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of hard work. I would also suggest that you read some other books on affairs to get some other perspectives. Another good one is "After the Affair", by Janice Abrahms Springs. Keep working on you and things will get better. Let your wife work on herself.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim<P>

My wife found mine, but she won't even open the cover. She still won't admit that OM is anything but a friend, and I think the general consensus on here is that there is a right time to show your spouse, but that is typically when the fantasy has started to crack and they are on the fence. When they are in the in love stage and in full motion, chances are slim that it will have any impact.<P>They all consider their situations unique, not according to a textbook pattern. It can be an LB to do it too soon. But you know your exact situation the best.

I read it first. Toward the end of my H's affair, he read a part of it and part of HN/HN. It helped him to realize why he had the affair. By his admission, it was a major reason he decided to come back to the marriage. hope that helps.<P>cleo

AH-<P>I too have gone back and forth on the subject. Sometimes I say yes read it! It will show you the way back! And what we can become!<P>On the other hand, I am afraid that he will be mad to be categorized by a book. That his A is not "special" and that he might not actually be "in love" with OW as he thinks. Even to mention "mid life crisis(MLC)" also has its taboos. As of now, he has not read the book, though I did ask him to read it a long time ago, and the A is still going on from afar(she is out of state-he met her on a trip.) <P>He has had sex with her once since dday(Aug 5th) and I came down so hard on him for lying to me(he said she wouldn't be on this trip) that it has not happened again. I set a very serious boundry after that trip. He has upheld it so far. <P>As of now, though, he has not decided to let OW go. He still cannot talk to me openly. Somehow he put me in the role of "angry mother, lecturing mother," and we can no longer even talk about the kids or the household. If I start a conversation, he does not wait to see what it is about, he turns off. It is very RUDE!!!<P>I do want him to read all of the books. I want to him to understand why I have given him any kind of shot at all with this infidelity. The MB Principles should work, logically. But not until I have his help! <P>I Plan A for now. For me, Xmas has been a good thing. His thoughts are of hearth and home, and he already told her he would not get together with her this month as he did last year for a week. He knows that decision would mean he would have to move out before Xmas. This gives me another month before I have to deal with another possible encounter. <P>Good luck--I have been rambling! Sorry!

It all depends.<BR>My wife read SAA shortly after returning home from running away with OM. She was angry that he terminated the affair and htat he did not follow through on his commitment to their new life together.<BR>She seemed to dwell mostly on the part of the book at the beginning which desribed the circumstances that lead up to affairs. The desriptions were so relatable that she used them to justify why it was necessary for her to have the affair. The "fog" was so thick at that time that she never could get to the rebuilding part of the book or see hope for us and our marriage.<BR>I'm sad to say she has since moved out and has had no contact with me for the last four months.<BR>If your spouse wants to rebuild the marriage, she will find SAA very helpful. If she is still justifying the affair, she may not be ready for it. She will find what she is looking for. Only my opinion.

AH,<P>My H had to practically beat me over the head with it to even get me to glance at it. But once I did, i shrunk back. I knew the words were powerful and true - and way too close to home for me to deal with at the time. <P>After I came home and began reading the book, I realized that someone DID understand me in some manner. That I wasn't alone. As a couple we chose to abide by nearly all of the rules in the book. A year and a hlaf after my As, we are more strongly bound as a couple and as friends than ever. We have a 3 1/2 month old son. Life ain't perfect but life IS good now.<P>Don't expect your wife to pick up the book and have revelation. Suggest it to her and make it readily availible to her. Go easy, even tho she deserves a caning in Thailand right now. Too much is too much, know what I mean?<P>Just suggest. Perhaps highlight passages for her that ring true to you - ESPECIALLY regarding sucsess of marriages post-affair. Let her see that it can and does happen. <P>Then you will know you have done all you could in that aspect.<P>Hugs to you both,<P>Khyra

Thanks to all of you for your replies.<P>My wife has agreed to start going to therapy this week. The first appointment has already been made. Only she believes that the counselor is going to reaffirm her side right away by the second or third session. I'm supposed to attend the next one with her and the therapist will then "straighten me out"! Remember, this other person just happens to be a woman as well.<P>I believe she is in for a rude awakening. Maybe after that first session, I'll mention reading the book. I am also going to ask my own therapist about it this week as well.

I guess the major concern I have in letting her read the book is she will be able to figure out that I am treating her with "Plan A" and could go on to "Plan B".<P>Wouldn't it be defeating the purpose of these plans if my wife understands everything about them?

I gave my H the book and he did read it.<P>He said to me "Now I understand WHAT you've been doing" ... like it was a devious plan or something. I got the distinct impression he didn't like the idea I read a book to help me, I believe he felt that if it didn't come naturally then it was contrived and would not last. <P>He missed the whole point ... and to boot he told me he felt our situation was more severe than just the typical everyday infidelity crisis. Who knows, he may be right. <P>So, in a way I regret giving it to him. I waffeled for months on whether or not to do it ... then one day he saw it in my car and asked about it, so I gave it to him.<P>Just know that IF your spouse starts to read it, the Website info is in the back AND they may very well show up here and lurk. This could be good and bad.<P>Love,<BR>Jo