I'm going to tell the truth now. I haven't been entirely forthcoming with you all and I owe you all a huge apology for wasting your time. <P>I'm going to tell the truth straight out. I destroyed/destroying my marriage all by myself. My husband did nothing wrong. I'm mean, spiteful, cold, and *****y. I nag him to death, that's the real reason he doesn't want to be around me. He goes to work and works late so he doesn't have to hear me.<P>I'm mean to his family and the whole thing with me and them was a lie. That was my fault too. I'm mean to them, I don't speak, I give them attitude, and I took their son from them. They have every right to act they way they're acting because this is their house and I'm the intruder. <P>I made my husband marry me when he really didn't want to. He's also acting like this because he doesn't want to be married and that's my fault. <P>I'm a pain in the neck and I'm always starting arguments. My husband has been thinking that maybe we shouldn't be together and that's my fault. He didn't do anything wrong, I did. It's all my fault. I wasn't nice enough to his parents. They should have my son whenever they want, not when I say. My son is really happier with them than me and that's my fault. I keep him up here all day with me and that's wrong. <P>I don't spend enough time with my son anymore and that's my fault. I don't spend enough time with my husband and that's my fault. I don't even deserve to call him "husband" anymore because he doesn't want me, but he says he loves me. <P>I writing this because I haven't told the truth and what I've been writing has all been lies. I hope you all can forgive me.<P>Miaka

I'm sorry, but I can't believe that Miaka wrote this post. The thing that gives itr away is the line "and I took their son from them. " . So who are you ? The h or one of the in-laws. And this little gem is too silly "I made my husband marry me when he really didn't want to. " Come on, there are always chances to back out ! Remember the words do you take Miaka to be your wife ect.. ect ... ? No one could force another person to say I do, all he had to say is nope and run. And no mother would say "They should have my son whenever they want, not when I say. " So fess up who wrote this ?<P>

And if you did write it Miaka, I will ask you again to get some professional help. Don't give me that line about you are not nuts so you don't need to see a counseler. Probably 80% of the people on this board see someone. Are we all nuts? If so why do you want our advice anyway? We are not equiped to deal with everyones problems. I have alot of issues in my past with abuse and shame and self esteem and I do not expect the people here to handle that. I know that I need to work on these things myself with a counseler. And yes I would like to take all the problems on myself too because I feel like I am a bad person deep down inside.<P>Please dont flame me for stating my opinion here. <BR>Lora

Lora, after thinking about it, I was going to come back and add something along those lines. <P>Miaka, if you did write this, why ? It take two to make a marriage work, and a marriage is between two -people , not the H, the W and the in-laws. We have all urged you to move out of their home. Please see a counselor, it won't mean there is something wrong with you, it means there is something going on you need someone to talk to about, we will help as much as we can, but we aren't trained professionals, just folks struggeling the same way you are.

Miaka,<P>If you really feel this way and are sorry, why aren't you doing something about it? My H has apologized for a few things in his time, but they were just words. He didn't do anything to make them felt. That has made all the difference. Words are just words. Let's see some action here. What do you plan to DO about it?

I took this from a completely different view. I think Miaka is being sarcastic - many WS try to shift the blame on the BS - 'you made me do this because blah, blah, blah' anything so that they can look at themselves in the mirror. I think Miaka was just showing how ridiculous this whole blame game is.<BR>Miaka what was your intention?

Miaka? What is really going on with you?<BR>If you wrote this, then come on back and talk to us. Nonsense that this is your fault. He was the one with the affair-NOT YOU.<BR>If you did not, then change your password becasue a very warped person is taking liberties.<BR>Deb, I think you also see this is not quite Miaka's usual style? Where is the english major when we need her?

Anyone else notice her original post has been edited and all her comments are now missing?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006510.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/006510.html</A>

she did that a while back. she told us she was oing to do that because she was basically told to get a new attitude.<P>I dont know if she is the one who wrote the post. lately she was sounding more conservative in her posts. her previous seemed to be a bit more dramatic.<BR>

<B>Bozos_ Deb:</B>:<P>I did write it. Nobody made me say anything. I wrote this all by myself. I'm very angry with myself for not telling the whole truth. <P><B>Lora:</B><P>I already ahead of you. I've been looking at some of the benefits my job offers and supposedly I can go in through them. I never said I didn't want to go. I have to go and I know it or otherwise I will crash and burn. <P>I never said anybody here was nuts, I never said I was nuts. The reason why I came here is because I knew it wasn't all my husband's fault or even his parents fault. I finally realized that I screwed up bad. I came here because I wanted to know what I can do to help my marriage because by myself I've managed to make things worse. <P>No, I won't flame you. I'm not mad at you or anybody else here. I'm mad at myself for what I've done.<P><B>Bozos_ Deb:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>It take two to make a marriage work, and a marriage is between two -people , not the H, the W and the in-laws.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, but unfortunately, I'm destroying what's left of it all by myself. I told you guys before, I can't say much about moving. All I can say is if you want to know, you'll have to e-mail me or I can e-mail you (it doesn't matter which one). <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Please see a counselor, it won't mean there is something wrong with you, it means there is something going on you need someone to talk to about, we will help as much as we can, but we aren't trained professionals, just folks struggeling the same way you are.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I am going to because life is going nowhere without one. I understand totally about what you're saying. <P><B>popeye:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>If you really feel this way and are sorry, why aren't you doing something about it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I really feel this way and yes, I am really sorry. The problem is that everything I try to do to help the situation ends up messing it up more than helping. I don't know what to do anymore. The other problem is what to do about you guys. I still messed up with you guys too. I don't know what to do about that either.<P><B>Searching for Hope:</B><P>Um, excuse me, but I don't think I ever said I or my husband had an affair so what are you calling me a WS? I know you're angry at me and no, I'm not being sarcastic, but I think that one went too far. I didn't have an affair and neither did my husband, that I know of. Where do you base this accusation off of? I would like to know. And no, I'm not being sarcastic now either, I just think that was uncalled for.<P><B>cl:</B><P>It's called that I'm having problems being a good girl without always messing up. I can't seem to do anything right without making things worse. <P>Again, I never said my husband had an affair that I know of, I said that he MIGHT be having one, but then again, I'm probably wrong about that. I'm probably just too paranoid. <P>Again, I was the one that wrote this. I wrote this post without duress. No one stuck a gun to my head and made me write this. My husband's parents don't even mess with the internet, let alone come in here to mess with my computer (yes, I'm using my computer, no one else's). My husband has his own computer and you'd be able to tell right off if he tried to pawn himself off as me because we don't talk alike. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Deb, I think you also see this is not quite Miaka's usual style?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wasn't aware that I had a "style" of writing yet. I always thought it was kinda irratic (sp?).<P><B>Scotch:</B><P>Yes, I did this myself because just reading some of the crap that I've been writing is making me mad. I was never able to see things from you guys's point of view until now. That's why I erased my stuff.<P><B>cleopatra:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>she did that a while back. she told us she was oing to do that because she was basically told to get a new attitude.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is correct. I was told so many times I had a nasty (my word, no one else's) attitude and I tried to change it. Well, it didn't work too well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I dont know if she is the one who wrote the post. lately she was sounding more conservative in her posts. her previous seemed to be a bit more dramatic.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, it was me that wrote this and I did it on my own. You are correct in saying that my posts have been conservative. I was afraid they were kinda cold, lacking emotion. I was trying not to be dramatic.<P>I know some of you won't believe me when I say I was the one that wrote this post. I know some of you will take this as me trying to start drama again. I know some of you are probably thinking that I should go f*** off. The only thing I can think to do is apologize for not being entirely forthcoming with the truth and hope that you guys will forgive me.<P>I want to stress again that I'm <B>NOT</B> a WS! I never had an affair and neither did my husband, that I know of. I want to make sure that's known. Sure, I said I *suspected* him of having an affair, but then again, he could be just doing all of this to get away from me. I don't blame him either.<P>Miaka<P><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 25, 2000).]

Well Miaka....Now that you've "gotten" honest, it is time to learn how to eliminate all these <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> and begin to apply the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>I truly believe that if you did these two things you will net the results and gain the peace you desire.<P>Like we have been saying all along, Marriage Builders is <B>ALL</B> about working on you. The new change in attitudes and ideals!<P>Now hop to it!!!!<P>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Good morning Miaka,<BR>Thank you fo responding. Forgive me for thinking that you really may not have written the post. We all have a certain style of writing, and this just did not sound like you. <BR>You are a beautiful person Miaka, go with that for starters. You have so much personal insight. You are loved and appreciated by so many people here.<BR>I feel for you because you are so conflicted. All of us have felt that way Miaka! We want one thing, but another happens, and things just keep happening-like building a snowball. At some point, you just have to stand back and make things change. Look at what makes you feel good-not at what makes another feel good. Look forward at where and waht you want to be doing in a yr, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, and take the steps to get there. <BR>Counseling would be great if you can go. There are some very good books about finding your self and getting direction for one's life. Might help? (((hugs))) cl<BR>

<B>WilliamJ:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Well Miaka....Now that you've "gotten" honest, it is time to learn how to eliminate all these Love Busters and begin to apply the The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage.<BR>I truly believe that if you did these two things you will net the results and gain the peace you desire.<P>Like we have been saying all along, Marriage Builders is ALL about working on you. The new change in attitudes and ideals!<P>Now hop to it!!!!<P>Bill<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is what I've been trying to say all along.<P><B>cl:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Good morning Miaka,<BR>Thank you fo responding. Forgive me for thinking that you really may not have written the post. We all have a certain style of writing, and this just did not sound like you. <BR>You are a beautiful person Miaka, go with that for starters. You have so much personal insight. You are loved and appreciated by so many people here.<BR>I feel for you because you are so conflicted. All of us have felt that way Miaka! We want one thing, but another happens, and things just keep happening-like building a snowball. At some point, you just have to stand back and make things change. Look at what makes you feel good-not at what makes another feel good. Look forward at where and waht you want to be doing in a yr, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, and take the steps to get there. <BR>Counseling would be great if you can go. There are some very good books about finding your self and getting direction for one's life. Might help? (((hugs))) cl</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good morning. I'm still curious as to what my "style" of writing is. Maybe it's something I can't see. Oh, I wanted to ask you, do my posts seem devoid of emotion? I feel like they are....<P>I hear what you're saying and I will try to do it, but I can't guarantee that I won't screw up again. Thanks anyway.<P>Oh yeah, if a bunch of you guys happen to respond today (I'm not saying you will), I'm going to be out for awhile because today is my husband and mine's anniversary. Take care and have a nice day.<P>Miaka

Miaka--<P>Hope you and your H have a good anniversary!<P>We do care about you...Keep us posted.<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

Hi Miaka,<P>I think there is a point where we all just want to complain and be heard, then eventually we get to wanting to do something about it. I think you are there. If that is correct, you really can try the MB principles. It sure has helped a lot of people, and even if it does end up that the relationship doesn't work out (like in my case), you won't feel so torn up about it.<P>Keep posting here and letting us know how the "fight" is going. We are rooting for you. If your marriage improves it gives the rest of us hope.

<B>kam6318:</B><P>Thank you.<P><B>popeye:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Keep posting here and letting us know how the "fight" is going. We are rooting for you. If your marriage improves it gives the rest of us hope.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I will. As far as today goes, it was a real sh*tty day. I can't exactly say it was the worst day in my entire life, but it was certainly one of the worst. I have a budding headache and I haven't eaten at all today because of it. I know I have to eat and all, but when I'm really upset, my appetite goes out the window and stays gone for awhile. <P>I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me. We went to church (me, my husband, and my son) and I was basically told that if I don't get along with his family then my marriage is as good as dead. I have no choice but to try, but I still don't know what to do. Everybody keeps telling me to be "nice", but as far as they go, just going downstairs isn't nice enough. <P>I'm not going to argue with my husband anymore. I'm not going to really say anything, just listen. I feel I've talked way too much and now it's time to keep my mouth shut and listen. I will pay no more attention to his schedule for work. I won't ask him anymore about his parents. I really won't say very much, I never had much to say in the first place. <P>I guess the only way I can explain it is that I f*cked up badly and now it's a question of hit or miss......<P>Thanks for caring. Bye.<P>Miaka<P><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited November 26, 2000).]

Sorry Miaka but I misunderstood and thought that your H did have an A. I wasn't referring to you as the WS but your H. I understand now that you suspected him of one having one - it's just that many people on this site are dealing with infidelity & I thought that's what you are going through as well

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by yuki miaka:<B><BR>I was basically told that if I don't get along with his family then my marriage is as good as dead. I have no choice but to try, but I still don't know what to do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Who told you this? <BR>Why do you feel you don't have a choice? <BR>May I advise reading some books in communication skills? <P>People are often defensive not because of what we do, but because what they think we are going to do. They don't give us a chance to change. They don't believe we can. They keep treating us like they used to because they are used to our old patterns and theirs as well. Be patient. The "being nice" stuff does work, but you got to give them a chance to adjust to the change. <P>My H took about 6 months before he realized I wasn't arguing with him anymore. It took that long before he could approach me without expecting a fight. I hope it doesn't take your H as long!

Hi, Miaka. Remember me? <P>I haven't been here in a while. After the last round of stuff about about my husband I couldn't bear to hear all of the pain here for a while. But I checked back for the first time in a while and saw your post.<P>Miaka, I believe it is you writing this. Yes, your writing style has changed. Your tone has gone from "why is everyone picking on me" to "my G-d, what have I done." When I read your previous posts I heard "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!" Now I hear, "Maybe you do and I didn't..." I hear humility that I did not hear before.<P>I think you started coming here because you knew something was wrong and couldn't figure out what it was. I think you got angry when people told you to look within--everyone wants to believe that they are perfect people and it is never fun to be told otherwise. I think you have realized that you are not perfect. You are growing up. (You knew that was coming, didn't you? :^)<P>Miaka, you may not be perfect, but you are good. You have identified things about yourself that you do not like. Now that you see them, you can work on fixing them. <P>I can't remember the author of "The Art of Loving", but I will always remember the central premise of the book: until you love yourself you will be incapable of showing anyone else love. The first step in fixing your marriage, your relationship with your in-laws, and your relationship with your son is to look at yourself honestly and be able to love yourself, warts and all.<P>You are a good person who has made mistakes. Welcome to humanity. You will be okay, but you have to try.<P>If you'd like to talk to me, write me at hbc@tough.com. I know sometimes it helps to have a friend.<P>Hang in there. There are no quick fixes to anything, but you can change the world if you want to--one step at a time.<P>All the best. --HBC

<B>Searching for Hope:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Sorry Miaka but I misunderstood and thought that your H did have an A. I wasn't referring to you as the WS but your H. I understand now that you suspected him of one having one - it's just that many people on this site are dealing with infidelity & I thought that's what you are going through as well</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's okay. But for all I know he could have, right? The reason I say that because a few years ago when we used to fight a lot, he told me that he was "thinking about what it would be like" to be with some girl that was at work. That right there will always be an alarm to me. I was once told that if he told me that little bit then he's probably done more than just "think" about that girl.<P>In the back of my mind, something is "off" between us. Before, when we were going out and when I first moved here, I knew there was no one else. But now, it's wrong, something's not right. I can't put my finger on it, but I bet five dollars he's hiding something. He's doing a real good job of it too. All I know is that there's this feeling I've had for a couple of years now that he's not just my husband, does that make sense? I feel as though he "wandered", but I don't know where to. It's confusing.<P>Thanks again.<P><B>popeye:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Who told you this?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I didn't mean to make that quote sound harsh. What I meant was basically if I wanted my marriage and my family, then my ONLY choice was to try. If I didn't want my marriage, I could keep on doing what I'm doing. That's what I meant. As far as who told me, it was my pastor. She wants me to succeed because she's been thru hell being married twice because her first husband was young and cheated on her. She doesn't want me to end up like she did. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Why do you feel you don't have a choice?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See above.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>May I advise reading some books in communication skills?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sure, which ones?<P>I have an update and I will address it at the bottom of this post.<P><B>HurtButCoping:</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Hi, Miaka. Remember me?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>When I read your previous posts I heard "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!" Now I hear, "Maybe you do and I didn't..." I hear humility that I did not hear before.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Maybe you do and I didn't..." .....I didn't what? I don't get it. *scratches head*<P>As see you've seen what I've been trying to tell everyone here. It's kinda hard to explain from my point of view because I'm not that great with words. You explained it perfect. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think you started coming here because you knew something was wrong and couldn't figure out what it was.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bingo! Couldn't put my finger on it.....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think you got angry when people told you to look within--everyone wants to believe that they are perfect people and it is never fun to be told otherwise.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bingo again!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think you have realized that you are not perfect.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I always knew I wasn't perfect (extremely far from it, not even close to .0000000000000000001%).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You are growing up. (You knew that was coming, didn't you? :^)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, I'll let you be my parents...for now. Yes, I knew that one was coming......so I guess this means I can't be "young" anymore, huh? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You are a good person who has made mistakes. Welcome to humanity. You will be okay, but you have to try.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Alas, if everybody could think you do from the time I was growing up until now, I wouldn't be in this situation.....<P>I will e-mail you sometime. Thanks again, HBC.<P>Miaka<P><BR>