Just need to vent today. We told the kids yesterday about separation, but I now see that a 2.5 and 4.5 year old just don't grasp the concept. My oldest was more concerned with getting outside to make a snowman. So today, we went there together for the first time. My wife had bought lots of new toys, and a tent, so they are just excited about the stuff. My son is calling it "moms extra place". In one sentence my wife referred to our home as "your old home", which I didn't like. I can see how this stuff gets tense. They are all excited because of the toys, which sort of bothers me, but on the other hand, I want them to be happy, so really it is better. I hope that in the end we are together and the kids haven't suffered through this.<P>What a fiasco when we started to tell them. She couldn't do it. Started out with "do you remember that house I keep stopping at to pick up the mail?"...I said hold on a minute....first thing is to explain what is happening with mommy and daddy. I probably LBd a bit because she won't read a book, so I mentioned that if she would read one, she would have a better idea how to approach this. I'm quite sure that they don't get the concept that Dad is living in one house, and mom in another.<P>I didn't feel very good being there. Felt worse when I got home to my place and it was empty. I feel bitter now at this. After 6 years of marriage and always agreeing that you do whatever it takes in a marriage to make it work, especially for the kids. That all went out the window in a flash. Problem was we didn't practise the "making it work". Thought love was natural. I know different now, but she doesn't yet.<P>I can see (or hope) that this could be the start of the crumbling of her and OM. The house is suddenly scattered with toys, lately she hasn't been all spiffy with makeup and fancy hair like she was for the past 5 months. She'll be busier and less available for the scumbag. (sorry) I hope that it has the correct affect. I energize myself by looking at this one picture of our family, and damn it, I want that back. Part of me wants to do a Plan A from a distance, and not go to her place much. But on the other hand, the more I'm there, the less OM will be there, and he'll get the picture that being with my wife won't be a normal relationship for a single guy. I hope I'm right.<P>I worry about how my wife will answer the questions that arise. I don't fully trust that she'll paint the right picture. But I have to hope that she will. I know she loves the kids, so hopefully it will be OK. Of course, I'm bitter so have to be careful too that I don't let things out that I shouldn't.<P>She suggested again yesterday that Xmas be at her house. I said no. I didn't tell her this, but I am not the one that had an affair and walked out....so I'm not uprooting my Xmas or my childrens to appease her. Sorry, that sounds bitter and nasty, but despite being a diplomatic and accommodating person, I'm not altering my thoughts on this one. I did that enough for the past 8 months (that is when she started going out alot).<P>Well, thanks for listening to my chatter. I'll probably have more of it tonight. She invited OM over last week and wanted him to put a curtain up, and it wasn't up when I went there, so she wanted me to do it. I was going to, but the rod didn't fit.<P>Have a nice day everyone.

Rick or WAT or WATever you name is - sounds as if things went as well as can be expected. Although my son is older, he enjoyed the novelty aspect as well going to my wife's apartment. But, ALL of his possessions, except for video games he takes over there, are still at my house, so it's more like a camping trip fro himwhen he stays there - complete with scary creatures! Ditto on the Christmas plans. My wife wants it our (my) house. I'm wondering if I dare go tree shopping with my son without my wife and get accused of not including her. Wait a minute, Honey, that's part of the package deal that came with the separation! Remember she was livid when she didn't see him in his Halloween costume. Anyway, keep up the good work. I predict your separation will not outlive mine.<P>WAT

Rick37<BR> I`m so sorry to hear that your wife really did it. I`m sure its very difficult for you to deal with. {{{{hugs}}}} to you. I don`t really have any great advice, I just wanted you to know that I`m thinking of you. Two weeks ago my H was going to leave. I gave up and said just go I can`t deal with it any more. I wasn`t nice to him the rest of the week. I pretty much ignored him. I felt like my MB`s days were over because I just could not take it anymore. Well BIG change of heart for him. He didn`t get the response he expected and (I think anyway) that changed everything for him. Come Fri. he told me he didn`t want to leave and could we work on this. He said he`d give it 100% and we would see what would happen. Well I was over joyed but I told him I wasn`t sure I wanted him to stay. Guess what, he finally realized that maybe I wouldn`t be here waiting when he got his mind back. To stay I told him he had to write the no contact letter and counsel with Steve. He has done both. I don`t know if any change in attitude would help you, but it sure helped me. I was so afraid to let all of that out but I figured he was leaving anyway he might just as well know exactly how I was feeling. Good luck to you I`ll be praying it all works out.

ILoveHim,<P>Thanks for your perspective. I'm extremely happy to hear that you are heading for brighter skies. That is what this is all about. Do keep us posted on how it goes.<P>I'll keep your experience in mind. It is a delicate situation trying to plot the next steps. I definitely want to show her that I'm continuing to be the best I can be, and moving forward despite her decision. Hopefully, this is the point where her life starts to not seem so appealing as time goes on.

Rick,<BR>When x and I split, my son's (9 yo) biggest concern was were he was going to live. When I told him it was at his home, with me, he was satisfied. <P>I got my kids into counseling as soon as we split. My s went twice and the counselor felt he had a good grasp on things.<P>My x took our d for 8 visits. I'm not sure how that went. I wish I had been more involved in those sessions, Counselor would only tell me d (13) had issuses with her mother and that they needed to work them out.<P>Just keep talking with the kids. Look for signs of witdrawal or any changes in behavior.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Bob

Rick,<P>How did you & your kids make out? Where the kids confused when they returned to your home?<BR>

My H took our 5, 4, and 2 year old boys to his place for the first time this weekend too. (He left last Tues.) I understand your feelings exactly -- H had toys and games and videos and exciting new bunkbeds etc. and the kids were all excited. It was gut wrenching to have to be a good mom and be excited with them about all the new things. <P> As for telling the kids, my H has been so scared for so long that when he tried to do it, he left the kids with the impression that we were ALL moving to a new house! Of course, I have been the one trying to explain it to them in the days since H left. It is certainly hard for them to understand at these young ages, isnot it? (I don't really understand it, how can they?) <P>I sure admire your patience and love for your W. I hope that the realities of this new situation will help bring her out of the fog!

Thanks everyone,<P>The kids arrived back at my house very excited. My 2.5 year old said that "the friends house" had a mickey mouse comforter that she would be allowed to sleep under. She thinks it is a friends house, for playing I suppose. My 4.5 year old said that he is going for a sleepover at mommy's extra house this week. He also said she bought him a new toothbrush but that he isn't allowed to bring it "home". On one hand, I like that he will probably continue to refer to my place as "home". I'm sure my wife will correct them when they refer to her place as something else. They don't get it yet....I thought my oldest would react more, but it all seems like fun and games so far with all the new toys. I wonder what the normal reaction from kids my ages is. Regardless, it tears me apart to hear them talk about the houses....there should be one house.<P>I'm going to sleep now. Kids will be up early. Thanks for the help this weekend.<P>

Rick37 -<P>I'm sending out my biggest cyber hug to you.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.<P>I know how difficult this situation is for you and your kids (even though they don't seem to understand it now). But, look at their innocence - your youngest is calling it the "friends" house. Your oldest is calling it "Mommy's extra house." In a way, maybe you should think of this mess in their innocence - that it IS just an "extra" house right now. In time, I hope there won't be a need for an "extra" house and that you'll all be reunited under one roof.<P>I definitely don't think you were wrong about having Christmas in your HOME. Next Christmas - if she is still out on her own - well, then, maybe you might want to "entertain" the idea. Since you are the one who will be decorating your house for Christmas this year, I would invite your wife to go along, but if it doesn't "fit" into her new busy schedule, I wouldn't worry about it being a LB if she can't attend the tree-finding activity. She can take the kids out to find a tree for her "extra" house.<P>I think the kids are overwhelmed by the novelty of this whole thing. I think it won't be long before reality sets in for your wife - that this isn't all that's its cracked up to be. Like the curtain - man, I take my H for granted too. I just want it done, but if I had to hang it myself, well, there probably wouldn't be any curtains. Just like my H forgot how to dress himself when we got married, I forgot how to "take care of business" at home. It's those kinds of little things, that I think will make her really take stock of things - and what she's missing out on. Not that you're just a handy-man or something, but there will be other things that come up too - eventually. It's these everyday things you notice first -then the other stuff comes.<P>I know how it hurts to think about two houses - but just think of it as an "extra" house right now.<BR>