Hello,<P>My WS started an EA about 4 months ago (not sure about PA), and gave me the "I'm not sure I'm in love" about 2 months ago. She claims the OM is just a friend, but I've seen too much to believe it. I've been Plan A ever since, but have only seen some very minor improvement.<P>My WS and the OM work 24 hour shifts at the same job, and they speak on the phone 2-8 times a day. The phone calls and beeper pages really bother me, almost make me physically ill, and I've told her so, but they continue.<P>At this point I'm in the mood to press she get an apartment to sort out what she wants. That way the phone calls in my house will stop one way or another. We have 3 kids, so maybe injecting a little reality into the fantasy world would do some good...?<P>Appreciate any advice!!<P>Survivin<P>

Plan A for 2 months is a bit short...<BR>...usually shoot for about 6 months...<BR>...but it really is up to your tolerance!<P>While she is in the house...<BR>...you can show her <B>your</B> changes!<P>When she is out...<BR>...it becomes near to impossible...<BR>...and that's when the OM has an upper hand.<P>Be consistant on Plan A for as long as you can.<P>What would be the status of the 3 kids if she moves out?<P> <P>Jim

Survivin -<P>I agree totally with NSR's advice. I am a former WS, and I am so glad that I never decided to move out - even though I had checked out apartment lsitings. I think it will be hard on you - in the sense that the OM will have the upper hand - if she moves out. Sometimes, physical distance also equates to emotional distance for the WS. For me, at least, by staying at home, it more or less forced me to make a decision - there was no fence-sitting. I was more willing to try reconciliation since I was at home. For me, to move out, that would have been too hard to "come back" and grovel for forgiveness. So, my H and I decided to tough it out together - at home.<P>It wasn't easy - it's never easy, but I am so glad (now that we've been in recovery for 8 months) that I chose to stay at home. Some couples - if there's room in your house - have tried living in separate bedrooms for a little while. Even though it's not the best option - at least she's still at home, and I think you should try to keep her there as long as you can. I moved into the spare bedroom for like a week. I never really took any clothes - but just kind of slept there - because I felt overwhelmed, etc. . .It was just enough "space" for me to get my head together - at least a little bit anyway. lol.

Since my WS works 24 hour shifts, the 3 kids would be with me 2 nights, and with her 1 night. This fact kinda worries me that the WS and OM might not get the true effect of what having 3 kids around the house is really like.<P>What does it usually mean when the WS says they want to move out "to have time to think" ? Is it that they need to clear their heads, or is it that they want to test the water with the WS before they bail on the FS?

Survivin -<P>The reason, I guess, I wanted to get out on my own - to get my head together - was to decide if I still loved my H or not. I mean, I always loved him - even during the affair, and I know that sounds strange, but I just didn't know if I was "in love" with him. First, I guess, I couldn't believe that I had an affair to begin with, then I thought that my H and I must NOT be right for each other if this happened - it was like I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore. <P>It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to see how things would pan out with the OM - more than it was I felt like I needed to know who I was and what I wanted before I could commit to my H. It was kind of strange for a while. Immediately, when I told my H about the affair - I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to try and work things out. But in the back of my mind _ I felt horrible about what I had done, and at the same time, felt like I missed the OP.<P>It wasn't so much that I wanted to audition the OM - in my mind, I kind of knew that it woul dnever work out anyway - who was I kidding? It was more like I just wanted some time alone - just to think. I know a lot of WSs go through that. But, the best thing, is to try and give your wife some alone time at home - to think - rather than have her move out.<P>While the OM might not know what having three kids around the house is REALLY like - I think I would hold off on that little experiment for as long as you can. You don't want to use your kids to "wake up" your wife or the OM - it will only be harder on your kids. As little disruption with their lives as you can get away with, the better, and I think the odds of reconciliation, might be better if she doesn't move out.<P>For me, I just needed the alone time - time just for me - to think. Luckily, I found that while living at home. And, my H was my greatest source of support. He truly was , and still is, my best friend. I don't know what I would have done without him there to support be - to stand by me, to believe in me - even though I didn't believe in myself.<P>But, as a WS - it takes awhile (trust me ) for your "head to clear." It's been eight months - and it's been going really well for my H and I, but there were a lot of rough patches - when we both wanted to move out. But the best thing we ever did was stay together in our home. If it were me, I guess I can understand how you feel, but I wouldn't push your wife out and into the arms of the OM so quickly - it may not work out as you hope.

Wow, great advice NKM, I can't thank you enough. She had said last week that she may move out 1 December, but I won't push her. If she does pursue it, I'll let her make the moves and maybe she'll not do it.<P>I think you are right, she did say a week or so ago that she wanted time to see if we could fall back in love (?). To go on some dates I seem to recall...<P>You mentioned she needed time alone (at home) to sort out her head... should I consider staying at a local place nearby for a couple nights or so? Its nice, and reasonable ($20/night). <P>

No, you should never move out. Give her the space she needs. If she wants to go to a hotel for a couple of nights - yeah, I'd have heartburn with that - but that would be better than I permanent move.<P>When I wanted to move out - I just wanted to get a place for a month - nothing more. But, I've seen where other WSs have done that - and they STILL haven't moved back after several months.<P>Don't push the moving out part. Let her be the one to find the place, to make the arrangements - let her do all of it - because you really don't WANT her to leave - so don't send mixed signals. Ask her if there is something you can do - at home - to give her some more time to herself - that you want her to be able to think about things clearly.<P>But, for me, I guess, I didn't really start thinking clearly for some time - and I HAD ended the affair. Right now, I assume her affair is still "hot and heavy" - even if it is only an EA. Try to keep her at home - if you can - let it be her decision to move out - let her make the arrangements, etc. . For Plan A to work, you have to "be nice" but that doesn't mean you have to help her out the door.<P>See what you two can try to arrange at home -or on a very temporary basis - but I definitely don't think you should be the one to move out - even for a few days - at this point. It's your house, and you want her in it with you.<P>If she is "expecting to fall back in love with you" after a couple of weeks or even within the next two months - that's a little unrealistic. She needs to end the affair first, and then try to work on recapturing those inlove feelings. It can happne - my H and I are proof, but the affair has to end before even a spark of those feelings will begin to appear.<P>If it helps, pop down to the recovery section and do a search on my username. You will see that I have posted a lot - and you will see how far I've come. As a WS - you never think those "in-love" feelings are there with your spouse during the affair. It's only after ending the affair and during the recovery process that you realize that those feelings were always there - they just need to be dust off.<P>If you haven't gotten a chance to read His needs, Her needs, by Harley, I would strongly suggest that you take a peek at that one. My H and I are both reading that book, and it's not until you BOTH are meeting each others' needs that those in-love feelings begin to reappear.<P>For me, I was waiting for my H to do things - to make me feel loved and attractive again - when all along, I felt better about myself and I felt better about our love once I started doing things for him - but that this way too early for your wife at this point.<P>Try looking at some of my earlier posts - I hope they help.