OK everyone. I need all of your help and advice FAST.<P>Quick update---H supposedly broke off relationship with OW back in September. Has told her, again supposedly, several times to stop contact. It has never stopped. I have questioned time and time again why it won't, but he simply says that she needs time to break it off completely. I have never felt comfortable with this, and now I know why.<P>He maintains that their relationship is over, and that he wants to work on us. He has said this for several months now.<P>Over the holiday weekend, he left his email open on our home pc, and I opened an email from the OW. There was a document attached, which I actually figured out the password to open. The document says what I've feared all along. Basically, in a nutshell, she's demanding that he make a decision between her and me by Jan 14th (my birthday, how ironic), or she will walk away from their relationship. She's also asking him to see a counselor to help him figure out how he can have both the kids and me.<P>OK, what the hell do I do. Basically he's been lying to me, it appears. Or, he's been lying to her. Which is it??? Maybe both?? maybe he doesn't know what to do and doesn't know how to break it off with her as he's her supervisor? Is he really planning on leaving me in January, but wants to spend this last Christmas with the kids?<P>I was going to make an appt with Steve H today to help me work through some of my own issues. I hope he can help me with this. Just last night, we had a discussion about how I need honesty and he said that he would provide that to me. Was he just lying to me about this, too??<P>Do I confront him on this? I really don't know what to do and need help!!! Please.....

Hurtin,<BR>I think you've run into the basic problem of affair partners continuing to work together...contact continues, and it doesn't stay professional. And, he's probably lying to you both, believing & wanting each scenario as he tells it, ignoring that he can't have both. It is classic fence-sitting, or limbo, or fog.<P>So, what to do...you already know what your choices are 1) ignore it or 2) confront or 3) open a dialog & hope he tells you the truth.<P>I personally am not one for ignoring it...but then we separated 7 times, and in retrospect, some of those times were because I was pushing for honesty...but on the other hand, if he hadn't been being dishonest, it wouldn't have been so painful for my H. I couldn't ignore it, and he wasn't honest when confronted, unless I had the proof, which you do.<P>It is good that she is pushing a decision, but it does put you in a dilemna, do you push as well? Or do you shower him with unconditional love and acceptance? Or kick his bum to the curb?<P>It is so hard to have the holidays and this mess at the same time. We reconciled for the holidays Nov-Jan both in 98 & 99. Having a nice holiday did not keep my H in the house once they were over, but I don't regret trying, and there were some really good moments.<P>I know I'm not being of much help, but I guess I would try to open a dialog with him without any LBs. I hope you kept a copy of what you found.<P>I'm so sorry you are in this mess.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thank you so much Lor for your response. Yes, I know that he's still lying to both of us. When I suggested that I would call her, he kind of freaked and said "don't do that". Now I see that was because I would be unveiling his master plan.<P>I am really in a dilemma about what to do---confront or ignore. Personally, I think it will eat me up inside if I ignore it. I just need to figure out how to confront without LBing. I'm thinking of sending him an email stating that I know something is up. If he lies again, then I'll have to figure out what to do from there.<P>I just thought I knew where I was headed and now this.....

I say let the b*tch dig her own grave. Who the hell does she think she is?! He's YOUR husband, and she's trying to give him an ultimatum? Hon, she's got the rope ready, so let her hang herself.<P>He still works with her, am I correct there? But you've still got the home field advantage. I wouldn't act ignorant about this - let him know that you know. BUT do NOT love bust in the process. I'm looking at my notes from my sessions with Jennifer as I write this. Be sure that you put all of your energy into preventing LB's. Have a plan for what you're going to do when you get angry (calmly walk away, chew a piece of gum before words can come out, etc.) - this stage sucks (for lack of a better word.) You have every right to be angry, but you still can't LB. <P>You won’t get any appreciation for your Plan A efforts at this stage. He’s not going to give anything back right now. Go in with low expectations. He’s not on the same page. Remember, “I tried, he didn’t appreciate it. Oh well, it’s the doormat stage. I still can’t attack him.” Put an emphasis on the Rule of Protection. Either do it full-force or it’s not going to work.<P>You will be going against your instincts. You won’t see results for a while. The romantic love won’t be reached until needs are met and Love Busters are eliminated. The romantic love threshold must be reached before it comes back. If you LB and don't meet his needs, then he will turn to the OW. But she's showing her true colors by putting pressure on your H to leave his family. She WILL dig her own grave in the process as long as you do your part.<P>Take a deep breath, hon. Punch your pillow, take a bubblebath, go out to lunch - but be calm by the time your H gets home. If you need to vent, come here first! But don't let that little tramp win. Good luck, and you can e-mail me if you need to talk: agarrett@anvilcorp.com<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 27, 2000).]

CB---you have mail!