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#894555 11/27/00 10:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 12
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 12
It's been a year in recovery now. H's heart has never really been in the relationship due to so many hurtles that he personally needs to overcome. (NEWS TO ME!!) I've been patient with his affair, we separated, he continued the affair, and then ended it when he decided to work on our marriage. <BR>His words say, "I want out" but his actions are that he's in limbo. States divorce is the only way he is going to get over those hurtles (his resentment from pain I have caused him in the past, etc.) I mean...I can forgive him for his recent affair during our marriage, but he can't forgive me for things I did in high school!<P>I'm frustrated. I want to save this marriage, but I want his behaviors to change as well. I don't like the person he has become in the last few years (the bitter, angry, mean person who doesn't really love being with me). I want the person I used to know, who is devoted to me and our family. He claims the mean person is the "real" him. I don't believe that. I believe these are just behaviors...a choice he makes...not the real "him".<P>I feel he's running away....But, I don't know what else I can do to keep the marriage together any longer. Undoubtedly, he still has feels for the OW and isn't attempting to "purge" them. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall for absolutely no reason.<P>I've accepted the fact that he wants a divorce and am okay with this, but It isn't what I want. I want my husband back.....the one who forgives, lets go of his anger, and attempts to make some deposits in my bank, as well as allows me to make deposits in his.<P>I don't want to walk away without feeling I've done everything I could to safe this. Dr. Phil (from Oprah) says you have to earn your way out a relationship. He hasn't. I don't feel I have either. What can I do??

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 747
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If you've been in counseling at all, you've heard over and over that they don't change unless they want to change. I hated hearing that. I accepted it, but how I wanted to do the changing for him! <P>Sometimes there is nothing you can do. I hate to say that, but it's true. Unless and until he wants things to be different, they are not going to be. <P>My H sounds like yours. I forgave, he hung on to things from years ago. I went to counseling and looked for ways to make things better, he did nothing. I wanted an apology, but never got one. It's been a year since separation and I'm okay, but he's still the same. He's still blaming me and everyone else for his stuff. <P>I hope it doesn't come to this for you, but I am better off now. What I thought was solid gold was only gold plating and that is even wearing off. It wasn't so great, but now I have a chance to have something that is because *I've* changed. I know what I have to do to have a successful marriage and I have worked on my issues. I am better capable to deal with stuff now than ever before. Too bad we couldn't have worked this through and given this gift to each other, but I'm still okay.<P>Whichever way this turns out, you will be okay too.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 1,522
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Joined: Apr 1999
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Rachell,<P>Popeye gave you some great advice. All you can do is to continue to work on yourself, work on understanding and forgiving your husband and understand his anger. I'm not sure what you did in highschool, but I know in my wife's case she has a lot of anger for me because of how I treated her in our marriage. I'm a recovering alcoholic. For me it was tough at first to accept her anger. After all she was the one that had two affairs in our marriage. But I came to accept my role in why the affairs happened and worked on changing myself. I think that my wife is finally starting to understand and forgive me (at least I hope). She has not seen the other man for about a year know and I think the forgiveness on both our parts is finally starting to come. Give it some time, hang in there and try not to be defensive or blaming, even if your husband is. Try not to through his mistakes in his face either. Usually just results in fights. And to echo Popeye, you will be ok no matter what happens. As your husband starts to express an interest in the marriage again, it is ok to let him know that it is difficult for you to stay interested in the marriage is he is not going to be able to forgive you.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim


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