Placing Blame. That one thing is something most people try to do when they have done something wrong. I am no exception here. But, as I was sitting here this morning thinking about where I can place the blame, I remembered an event that happened in my life. I remember one night I was visiting a friend. She was the oldest of three children, her sister and brother being much younger than she was. Her brother came into the den and was sitting behind a chair pulling on a lamp cord. His mother came in about that time and told him to get up and quit messing with the lamp before he broke it. He obeyed and left the room. Several minutes had passed and after his mother had left, he returned and began playing with the lamp again until he pulled it onto the floor and broke the glass base. Hearing the noise, his younger sister came running into the room and cut her feet in several places on the broken glass. The cuts were so bad one required stitches.<P>The boy was punished for deliberately disobeying his mother. He was sent to his room with no television and could not go out to play at anytime during the day. This was tough punishment for a nine-year-old boy. He blamed his sister for getting him into trouble. He told her that if she had not come running in the room barefooted, he would not be in trouble like he was. Everyday he blamed her for having to sit in his room and his anger at his sister grew more and more. Four days after she had cut her foot on the glass, the little girl sat on the couch crying. One of the cuts had become infected and the pain was so bad it required another trip to the hospital. Through all of her pain and suffering, she never blamed her brother. The little boys father picked up his sister and they started a out the door for the hospital. The little boy ran in, tears in his eyes, and hugged his sister and said “I’m sorry, it’s my fault you are hurt and if I had listened to mom you would not have cut your foot and you would not be hurting like this.” He finally got it.<P>He was released that afternoon to go out and play. His parents told him that when he accepted his responsibility for his actions and quite blaming his sister, then he had learned a valuable lesson and his punishment was lifted. His little sister had to suffer because of his actions and disobedience. It is so easy to blame others for our shortcomings. I have done this in my infidelity. I tried to blame my wife, although I knew it was not her fault. For many months I have blamed the OW. I have hated her for getting me into this, hated her to the point that I felt like I was ready to kill her. But, it’s not her fault nor anyone else’s fault but MINE. If I want to point a finger, I only need to look in a mirror. I see my wife sitting on that couch and I am the one that broke her heart. She is the one that needs the stitches to sew up the hole that I have left in it. I can say I am sorry a million times, but until I quite blaming everybody else and point the finger where it needs to be pointed, I cannot mend her heart. God will mend a broken heart and it will be mended by love and care. But how can you fix a heart when you are so busy trying to fix the blame. I finally get it.<P>So now here I am. God, release me from the hate, anger, and blaming of others because things are not the way I want them. Release me from the hate I have form myself. Forgive me for the sins I have committed against you, and for the heartbroken pain that I have caused the woman the you brought into my life. Give me the strength, guidance, and love to mend the broken heart of the woman that is my life, my world, my future, and my love. <P>I hope in some way what I have said here will help someone else. I struggle everyday to free myself from the hate and anger that I have built up inside. I know I can do this…………fs<BR>

Bless your heart for accepting and realizing what you have done. I am very positive that your wife will forgive you, but first you must ask God to forgive you for all of your sins as you have done. He loves you and wants you to reach out to him, open your heart and allow him into your life, not only now but for-ever. He never left your side, and neither did your wife, he is waiting for the right moment to touch your heart and you seem to be giving him the opportunity. Pray daily to God for forgiveness and for your marriage and things will falll into place when you start feeling at peace with yourself!!<P>Always remember, you are not alone, God loves you!!

Hi firestorm,<P>I found this on the recovery forum, edited it a bit, and printed it out to read everyday.<P>Forgiveness is letting go of the pain<BR>and accepting what has happened because<BR>it will not change.<BR> <BR>Forgiveness is dismissing the blame.<BR>Choices were made that caused the hurt.<BR>We each could have chosen differently,<BR>but we didn't.<BR> <BR>Forgiveness is looking at the pain<BR>learning the lessons it has produced<BR>and understanding what we have learned.<BR> <BR>Forgiveness allows us to move on<BR>towards a better understanding<BR>of universal love and our true purpose. <P>Forgiveness is knowing that love is the <BR>answer to all our questions<BR>and that we all are in some way connected. <P>Forgiveness is starting over <BR>with the knowledge we have gained.<P>I am really trying to forgive you and I still love you so very much.<P>XOX<P>Peppermint<BR><p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited November 27, 2000).]

((((((((((((((((Firestorm)))))))))))))))<P><BR>(((((((((((((((Peppermint)))))))))))))))))

Firestorm -<P>I've been keeping up with your story. I am a former WS (sounds like I'm saying former Miss USA, lol), too. Over the past several months, I've been reading some books by Charles Swindoll, a pretty well-known Christian minister. Two of the books that have been particularly thought-provoking and inspiring to me have been "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back" and "Strengthening Your Grip."<P>In fact, the "Strengthening Your Grip" book was so good, that I highlighted several passages and keep a notebook of phrases handy - just in case I need some pepping up. Anyway, there's a couple I want to share with you. So, for what they're worth. . .<P>"There is nothing like adversity to show us how strong (or weak) we really are."<P>"Blame never affirms, it assaults. Blame never restores, it wounds. Blame never solves, it complicates. Blame never unites, it separates. Blame never smiles, it frowns. Blame never forgives, it rejects. Blame never forgets, it remembers. Blame never builds, it destroys."<P>"When we blame ourselves, we multiply our guilt, we rivet ourselves to the past (which is unchangable) and we decrease our already low self-esteem."<P>But "If you can own the mess you're in, there is hope for you and help available. As long as you blame others, you will be a victim for the rest of your life."<P>"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things."<P>"You have the power to choose your own attitude - bitterness or forgiveness; to give up or to go on; hatred or hope; determination to endure or the paralysis of self-pity."<P>"Give in no longer to feelings of usefulness, guilt, self-pity or fear."<P>"View life as a challenge, not a threat."<P>"Nothing is too hard for the Lord. No one is beyond hope. It is never too late to start doing what is right."<P>Firestorm, my thoughts and prayers are with you and peppermint. You will get through this, but you also need to forgive yourself or it will continue to cause you anguish. <P>We cannot change what happened in the past, but we can be a better person today and tomorrow. I prayed the second to last paragraph with you. . .I feel like I probably could have written that myself. <BR>

Peppermint<P>Thanks you so much for trying as hard as you can to forgive and love me. I know this is difficult, but I cannot begin to know what you are going through. Thank you so much for being my Wife and my Love. One day I will deserve your love again, but only if I work hard enough for it. I Love You.<P>Hurt w/Faith<P>Thanks for your inspiration and kind words. It is true that God will never leave your side, but he will forgive when you honestly ask for it and openly confess all your sins. He will heal a broken heart when it is ready to be healed and he is ready to heal it.<P>soulloss<P>I am glad to see that you are still here lurking. I sure wish you would post more and keep us all going. How are you a Deut doing?<P>SKM<P>I really think all of the betrayers here could probably write almost the same post. It would be nice to see the spouses of all of the betrayed on this forum here to work together to repair their marriages.<P>I saw the book "Strengthening Your Grip" not too long ago when I was in the book store. I may get it and read. I did find a passage in the bible that goes along with something that was stated in your post.<P>Luke 9:62 But Jesus said to him, "" No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.'' <BR>Translated it means:<BR>No matter what a man’s past may be, his future is spotless. We ourselves can write our future, good or bad.<P>We have to accept our own mistakes, failures, and bad decisions, change for the better, and make a future that is right. I have quit blaming everybody else for this mess and now I am ready to move forward. The fog had to lift from the affair, and the fog also has to lift from our own ignorance. Thanks for your input and prayers.<P>fs<P>