"Naggy Maggie" made a cameo back into our lives on Thanksgiving. This is the gal my H dated from 1993-1995...that he left his 1st W for. For the first couple of years of me and H's relationship, they talked to each other all the time (she lives in San Diego). She was his confidante during his A when he was "finding himself" and "didn't feel like he could talk to me". I later found out that she would call him and tell him that she would always love him and had never gotten over him, yada, yada, yada. Upon learning that, I didn't care if the woman was on the other side of the country - I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with their relationship. So now their relationship is limited to a phone call Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays (which, he forgot hers this year! HA!)<P>Anyway, her name came up while we were driving home from Thanksgiving dinner, and he said "I should probably give her a call since we haven't talked in 6 months." I said okay, trying to keep this Plan A streak that I'm on going. He called and left a message on her answering machine.<P>The phone rings about 20 minutes later, and female intuition tells me it's her. I answered the phone (1/2 the time she hangs up if I answer - another reason H hasn't been contacting her). A female voice asked for my H (I knew it was her.)<P>Me - "Yes, he's here. Is this Katie?" (I know full well who this is, but I want you to see how low you rank in our lives now)<P>Her - "No, actually this is M."<P>Me - (Sweetly)"Oh, hi M! Wow, long time no hear!" (Darn, I'd hoped an undertow drug you out to Gilligan's Island or something.)<P>Her - "Well, I never hear from T anymore - he never calls me."<P>Me - "Well, we're both so busy with our FAMILY, plus it's fishing season - shoot, I have to practically make an appointment if I want to spend time with him. Plus, he's taking his Phlebotomy course now, also." (Plus, HE'S moved on since dating you. He's married with a child. GET A LIFE!!!)<P>Her - "Yeah, well I just KNEW I would hear that Southern accent today since it's Thanksgiving."<P>Me - "I know. I told him that he ought to give you a call to say hi since he NEVER CALLS YOU ANYMORE." (Get the hint, honey. If you step on my toes, you'll be sorry.)<P>We chit-chatted a couple more secs about his Phlebotomy course, and then I gave him the phone. He didn't leave the room, he sat there and talked to her with me sitting right beside him. That felt good, because I knew he had nothing to hide about her. He rubbed my shoulders while he talked to her!<P>Anyway, then I hear him say, "Well, she's right here. Why don't YOU tell her?" He pauses, and says, "Okay, I'll talk to her...Yes, she treats me very well...I've never been happier..." (That was a MAJOR Love Bank Deposit - a year or so ago, he would snap at me if I made even the slightest comment about her!)<P>I then heard her ask why he didn't call her on her birthday "it's the first time ever in 6 years ...(bite me!)" He told her, "Oh...when's your birthday?" (She was getting POed at this point)..."is it in February?" (It's in JUNE!!! It took every bit of self-restraint at this point to NOT start LMAO!)<P>He got off of the phone, and told me what she was up to...she's lost 70 lbs (good for her - don't know why she needs to launch that point home w/my H, though), AND she's finishing her IS college courses. She's "talking" to Microsoft supposedly, which would mean she's be MOVING up here. She has a job offer which my H told her to take in New York, which would probably be best for her (and put her far away from us.) It pays $55,000 a year to start, plus furnishes her apt in NY. I hope she takes it - nothing personal, but I do NOT want her living close to me. Especially when she has the nerve to keep telling my H she still loves him - what is she trying to accomplish with that? But just watch - she'll "conveniently" end up working for Microsoft since my H is up here. <P>Anyway, I didn't LB, even though I was stewing a little bit. He calls her so infrequently (and the 2x a year he does, I'm with him) that I don't worry about her anymore. We had a fabulous weekend together, and I'm not going to waste my energy worrying about her. She got 2 years of my H's life - she's not getting any more. <P>I asked my H, "she doesn't like talking to me, does she?" He said, "Don't worry about her. She doesn't know you." (how sweet! I love this guy so much!)<P>------------------<BR>Marriage resembles a pair of shears,<BR>So joined that they cannot be separated; <BR>Often moving in opposite directions, <BR>Yet always punishing anyone who comes between them!<P>--Sydney Smith<P>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 27, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited December 11, 2000).]

GOOD JOB, CB!!!<BR>Isn't it amazing how these stupid OWs(sorry!) never get a clue? I'm sure she was soooo pissed off, but be careful she may think about revenge...<P>It's good because you handled so well on this she looked like an idiot! <P>I'm happy to read your post.. I don't get to see OWs' been defeated very often!<P>Thanks,<P>Meg<BR><p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited November 27, 2000).]

Old timer replying:<P>I think that you & your H should fill out the POJA. I don't think it's right that his ex-GF, whom he had an affair with, is calling. In addition, I don't think that he should feel obligated to call her on Holidays, Special Occasions, or any other time. After 6 years of this, I think enough is enough....<P>Do you really want this OW in your life 20 years from now? This OW is still trying to stay in the picture. It's time for her to take a hike.<P>Your H needs to know "honestly," how you feel about this continued contact. He needs to tell her "NO CONTACT."<P>It sounds like your marriage is in a good place right now, but with this continued contact, it can teeter to the other side. There is no good reason to risk it. It just isn't worth it.<P>Your H needs to realize that this continued contact is very inappropriate, if a marriage is going to stay healthy.<P>p.s. I'm probably in the minority here, but I would have let the OW know that her call was unwarranted and unwelcome.<p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited November 28, 2000).]

Meg - I'm really not worried about her. I mean, from the time that I met my H, I heard about this woman. Since they were such good friends, I would try so hard to be friends with her. But she was...I don't want to say <I>rude</I>, but she had this attitude of "I've known him a lot longer than you have, I know him better..." etc. Then when my H confided that she admitted "she would always love him," that's when I really started to have a problem with her, and I expressed that to him. That's a big reason why they rarely talk anymore. But yeah, the whole birthday thing cracked me up!<P>Survivor - Hey, how have things been going with you? We rarely see you anymore!<P>Anyway, my H didn't have an A with her - that would be a completely different story then. I've been with my H for almost 4 years, they broke up two years before he and I met (he was engaged to another woman after that, before he and I met. After H and Ex-fiancee broke it off, he and M slept together, then he left CA for SC. I guess M was a real witch to his ex-fiancee also.). I don't even consider his frequent calling to her during his "I don't know what I want" stage to be an EA.<P>My H was her first love - she was 18 when they dated, and he broke up with her because "she got on his nerves. He enjoyed dating her, but couldn't stand living with her." They still remained friends, though - they got along really well as long as they didn't have to be around one another for an extended period of time.<P>I used to be extremely insecure about her; now I'm not. If she had wanted him that badly, she would have found a way to get him years ago. Frankly, he means more to her than she does to him. He was her first love, she was a rebound from his wife. My H knows that I'm uncomfortable with their contact, but I'm not going to force him to not call her once in a while. If I act like I'm telling him what to do, then I guarantee he WILL call her, to b*tch about how possessive and unreasonable I am. But if I Plan A, keep him too busy to even think about her, and then during the 2 to 3 times a year they do make contact, be extremely sweet to her, p*ss her off, and have her complain about me to my H, he will have no desire to speak with her. No matter what I do, she won't like me, because I'm married to her "first love". She won't give me a chance, and my H is already seeing that.<P>She is not a threat to me anymore. I know my H better than she does, and the phone and e-mails are both in my name. : I truly hope that she finds somebody else and moves on. It's not like she obsesses over my H - she could have called us at any point over the past 6 months, but she never did - he just heightened her standards. She had never had an extremely good looking guy pay her attention, and she hasn't since. She won't settle for any less now. But my H thinks of her as a friend, nothing more. I know that now. She'll move on eventually.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 28, 2000).]

Hi Carolina Belle,<P>I don't have much time to reply, so I'll have to do it later.<P>Here's some hugs for ya!<P>{{{{Carolina Belle}}}}<P>p.s. Thanks for remembering me!

Hey CB, I enjoyed reading that. Good for you!

Hiya again CB,<P>Awhile back I had a couple of posts up here about a certain x-gf. Unlike you, I AM just jealous by nature and the minute something even remotely iffy happens with one of them I'm like a Doberman, foaming at the mouth, held back only by a thin K-mart chain of self-restraint. ROOF ROOF!! GRrrRRRrrr...<P>Pretty goofy for a WS, huh.<P>Anyway, H had felt driven to contact his x-gf a few months back. He wanted to apologize to her. In a way he kinda left his ex-wife for her as well, after ex-wife had been cheating on him for years. Or rather he turned to her for comfort, a quick lay, luuv , what the f-ever. And after everthing that I did to us, when he told me he had 'finally found her' alarms started going off in my head.<P>Not to mention the fact that I was like 13 months pregnant, on bedrest, with this retarded haircut I am STILL trying to grow out. I definately committed some MAJOR LBs over this.<P>I tried to make up for it by making an effort to ease up about it, and even suggested that we meet her for dinner sometime. Unfortunately, my H doesn't trust me to behave. I swear I would! Of course, there is the not so ulterior motive of letting her see the two of us, happy together with our baby son, but how is that bad? <P>Oh, and one more quick similar experience.... July 4th of 1996 was when H had planned to ask me to marry him. It ended up being July 5th. You see, ANOTHER x-gf called him on the 4th to wish him a "happy fourth - tee hee hee." I flew off the handle and ended up LBing so bad, I think I made him reconsider his intentions. <P>Honestly, I really see no reason for these women to lurk around. I may be a little fired up right now, but to me they look like scraggly dogs, circling the dinner table, begging for scraps. Hoping for a bit of friendship (handsomely equipped with sexual spark), attention, affection. <P>I'm glad your H said the things he said to this girl. He did the right thing. I really liked the way you handled the call. It's nice that your H didn't consider it to be an LB. <P><BR>I hate x's. Sheesh.<P>Khyra

Okay CB, I'm back!<P>I agree w/Kyra. There is no good reason for an ex-GF to be lurking around, waiting for the scraps.<P>I still think that you should be honest with your H and tell him that this ex-GF's sporadic contact, does make you feel uncomfortable. What I don't understand is why he feels obligated to call her at all. What's the point of it all? All she is doing is sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. She is a nuisance and doesn't need to make proclamations of love for your H. It isn't her place to be doing that, and if your H would understand that this is inappropriate behavior, he needs to tell her that "No Contact" is necessary. She reminds me of a "leach," just hanging on.<P>Do you really want her around for the rest of your life & marriage? I know that I wouldn't want my H's ex-GF lurking around in the shadows, calling my H, or him calling her, whenever they think they should, while I sit there and act like it doesn't bother me.<P>Once in awhile, my mother-in-law invites my H's ex-GF to a family party. I've expressed how uncomfortable it makes me feel. In fact, my H doesn't even want her there and feels uncomfortable also. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law doesn't take our feelings into consideration, regardless of how we feel (my mother-in-law works with my H's ex-GF and feels some kind of obligation to invite her to some parties...don't know why though).<P>My point is that, ex-GF's don't need to be around, especially when they're proclaiming love for our spouse's, and also if it makes one of the spouse's feel uncomfortable. I think the POJA would be good here.