I had to tell my parents that my wife has moved out, because next time my kids talk to them, the kids will be all excited about a sleepover at moms "extra" house.<P>My parents of course have no knowledge of MB and the principles, the fog, etc. Nor do they know she is having an affair (but they we're the one of the first to ever suggest it to me in July). They think she needs a "swift kick in the [censored]". They had a few other things to say, so I had to tell them that if I am willing to continue wanting my marriage, they should just accept what my wishes are. They want us together for the kids, but I really think that if it weren't for that, they'd not forgive and would tell me to forget about her. They just can't understand or relate to the fact that she walked away from a husband and 2 kids, and the life we built together.<P>The reaction of my parents is bothersome to me, because I envision problems if we did save our marriage. I am not sure that my wife would ever say "I'm sorry" or "I made a mistake". I told them the truth that it is entirely my wife's decision, and that I'd do whatever it took to save my marriage. So, I didn't sugar coat it and say "we are having problems". I let them know (when it started) that I am fully committed. I know some just say there are problems, and leave it at that, but I can't lie about that.<P>I assume I'm not alone feeling this way? Times like this make me more angry at my wife, because I see how someone on the outside that loves me gets angry, and then I feel like blowing it out in the open by showing her what info I snooped, etc. I'll regroup though.<P>Any thoughts on the parents thing?

Hi Rick,<P>Yes, I have a few thoughts. Don't worry about you parents. They are perfectly normal. If someone hurts there boy, there will be H--l to pay. If someone make you happy, all will be forgiven.<P>That is my guess and I haven't even addressed someone that might hurt their grandchildren. <P>So hang loose, if W comes around my bet is that they will also.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Rick, do you think it's important to be honest with your parents or with yourself....I wonder. I think parents don't need to know what's going on in your marriage and perhaps you were a bit too honest, at least for me. You might have irrevocably hurt any chance your w might have at making things work with your folks. You might have altered their vision of her to the point they might permanently think badly of her. I wonder if you weren't just a bit too honest.<BR>I believe the marriage is something between two of you and God, not something to be openly discussed with others. I believe that if your having problems with her and really want to work things out then you need to talk to her and not to others, except maybe a counselor.....Just my beliefs. I guess I am saying that the road you choose isn't one I would advise. But you have a right to that decision, just be willing to accept the backwash that comes with it....I am praying for your marriage!<BR>Now, if you do work things out with your w, how well will your parents be able to overlook this time period and accept her once more into the family.....<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

When I was falling apart over my WS's suspected A, I had to talk to my Mother to keep me level headed. I believe that if W and I work it out the parents will be OK with it.

you probably know who you can trust with the info.<BR>I told my mother about everything. And continue to council with her. She has been great at helping me indentify many problems I have with my marriage because I am very much like my father. She is able to give me the wife's point of view. Which is very insightful. <BR>I know I can trust her. She told me early on that if I could forgive my wife how could she hold a grudge. <BR>Sometimes when I get mad she gets mad with me. She hates the fact that someone has hurt her child. <BR>Her and my father got a divorce about 7 years ago. She has been where I am. In my case it has been a great help. However I see I will have to cut off communication with her soon. She will not have the patience I will need to get through this.<BR>So, I guess what I am trying to say is Parents can be a great help . They can also be a great burden. Tread safely throught those waters. If they have not experienced something similar they will not understand.

I told my sisters and mother about my problems about half way through my year of Plan A because I needed some love and support to keep up with Plan A since I wasn't getting any from my H. Along with some of my marital problems, I have shared the approach and strategy and general knowledge that I gained from reading SAA book so they know why I am not venting at H like thay want to or want me to. <P>Can you suggest that your parents read the book? They might then be more supportive of you and more likely to forgive W when she comes out of the fog.

Since my mom lives so close, she had to know when Robert left me. The only explanation she got "We had some problems, he's having a bad time, we're trying to work them out." Period. No more. I did tell my brother who lives a few hours away more than that b/c he's been through the same thing (he was the WS however - he UNDERSTANDS the fog), but no one else knew anything. I considered it private. Heck I worked for months and when our office closed, people there (except for my boss) still didn't know we were separated!!!<P>My mother is trustworthy...but she's one of those people who pretty much believes that "once a cheater, always a cheater". If she ever had an inkling of what went on, she'd never forgive him and she would sabotage our recovery efforts - unconsciously, of course! No one else in my family, even those in town here, really knew anything, although some suspected. They knew better than to ask (I guard my privacy, believe it or not ) and I didn't volunteer. Although many people know he was gone a while (after all, the car wasn't here for months) no one knows why, and so they can't hold anything against him now. Things turned out to be much easier this way. I wasn't protecting him, although I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing when you love someone, I was protecting myself and the future marriage I wanted to build. Robert DID eventually apologize to my mom for letting us down, but that's really all. And that's all that was necessary. This was between US.<P>I think you have to trust your own judgement on this. It's a tough call.<P>Lori

Hi Rick. This is a hard one, but I'll add my thoughts. Our counselor advised us not to tell our parents, because they would try to influence our decisions. She said that this was between us, and not them. <P>My H told his parents everything about his affair on the day that he moved out (he moved back the following week). They have been a tremendous support to me. However, if it was my parents, I think it would go the other way. They would be very angry for him hurting me and would probably have a hard time accepting him back. The reason why I have not told them is precisely that----because it appears that we will stay together and work on our marriage, I do not want the influence of my parents to be yet another hurdle to cross.<P>I think this is an individual call, as it depends on the relationship you have with your parents as well.<P>Best of Luck---you are doing great!

According to the therapist I have been seeing, you are perfectly within your rights to do what you did. In fact, you should be able to draw on your family or even a close friend as a resource in your time of need. No one should be expected to shoulder all the grief and pain on their own. That was a mistake I had made in the beginning when I first found out about my wife's affair. You may be surprised, especially if they already know that you and your spouse are having problems, that the news of the affair will come as no surprise to them. When I finally drew on my parents for some emotional support, they had already suspected for some time about the relationship my wife had with her "friend".<P>Of course, you must exercise some caution in doing this and also take any advice you might get with a grain of salt. Sounds like you already have. Anyone close to you will more than likely take your side and have contempt for the WS. You need to expect that and treat it accordingly.<P>Good luck...<P>Of course, you do need to exercise caution in doing this.

I put this in my other related post too.<P>Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It helps alot. I'm sure each case is different. In my case, I have not told them of her having another man. That would not be a good thing to tell them. They are not very understanding of that kind of stuff. Historically, while I have a good relationship with them, I have never contantly filled them in on personal issues. I choose to keep that to myself, friends, wife, etc. Not with my parents. So, I'll not be telling them of my wife's affair (which isn't one of course). I merely wanted to tell them that she had moved out, so the next time my kids talk to them and say they are going for a sleepover at mommys, they would already know.<P>I will be careful with this when I speak to my wife. I'll put a better spin on it and say that they are concerned for us all, and for the kids, and hope we work it out.

Rick - sorry for responding so late. I was out of town on Tuesday.<P>I think it all depends on the relationship you and she have with the parents. I'm curious, you didn't mention HER parents. What and how do they know?<P>For comparison, I told my Dad everything I knew when my wife was close to separating. He thinks I should forget my wife and move on. But, he's OK with my intention to recover and rebuild. I've gotten nothing but good support from him and other relatives on my side. But they are all far away and cannot directly associate.<P>On the other hand, my wife's family ( except for one sister) are not far away. I am very close with my wife's parents and two sisters and their families and I love them dearly. My wife has not told them the truth about the affair since she denies it to this day. When we separated, she basically told her family that I was "abusive", which was why she was leaving. They pretty much stayed out of it, but the "abusive" story didn't really make sense to them. Now I think her parents are suspicious and both sisters know, but my wife does not know they know. I'm pretty sure they all support my efforts, but I do not talk to her parents about it at all at the risk of being accused of "recruiting" if my wife found out.<P>WAT