For some reason, this is really bugging me. My wife asked me this morning if I had told them she moved out yet. I said yes, and she wondered what they thought. I just said "well, you pretty much know their reaction...they think it is ridiculous". Perhaps that wasn't the best choice of words, because my wife got mad, and said "who are they to judge...that pisses me off". Now, 4.5 months ago, my parents asked me if she was having an affair. I said no way. They know more than what they probably should, but from me they just know that I'm fully committed, but my wife is not. They also know that she did a 180 and started going to bars, but that is because she set my sister up with one of her loser friends, and was calling my sister to go out sometimes. They clued in all by themselves to that, since she was always totally against this lifestyle. That is what led to them asking if she was having an affair. So now here I sit, knowing my parents are mad at her, she is mad at them, and I'm in the middle of it trying to save my marriage.<P>I had to go after my wife said she was mad, because I'm at work, but I haven't heard the end of this one. Not sure how to approach it. I'll probably just say that they don't understand why people don't work on marriages, because that is what they think. How does this sound? You see, her official story is that our marriage didn't work, and no one can understand the internals of it, when the real story is she found someone else and is trying to cover everything up. Even her brother and sister believe she has someone, but haven't heard it from anyone. My wife is in fantasy land thinking that no one has any clue of the truth. I'm getting fed up again with her, and this whole situation.

Rick,<P>Since you've said before that you fear your wife won't come back simply because she may feel she's gone too far, I would be very careful how you approach this one.<P>I would try telling her that your parents are very saddened that she doesn't feel the marriage can be saved. I would say that your parents love both of you and your children very much and are hopeful that the two of you will work through your problems and have an even better marriage.<P>If she feels that your family is mad at her, it may reinforce to her that she's gone too far to come back now.

Rick37 - I agree with PAMO's advice - you want to be careful with this one. Even though your parents are upset right now, that's not your fault - in their eyes, she hurt their son/grandchildren. But, she has to face facts - not everyone - including your mutual friends - will be overjoyed about her decision. Reality continues to set in. . .Again, just try to be her friend right now - because it will start to seem like she has no friends anymore - no one she can turn to except you and the OM - hopefully, she'll see that you're the better choice!

Rick,<P>Your WIFE left you and the kids. That's public knowledge. No one in their right mind would expect that it is going to be a secret forever. Obviously, she is not in her right mind. She's way in that "fog" and doing everything she can to preserve it. <P>You owe her no explanation of your parents finding out and their response. They would have found out any way. She's their DIL! Mother of their grandchildren. Their response is just that - their response. You have no control over it and don't have to justify it. That is just your wife trying to manipulate the situation and turn it all back on you. It takes the attention off of her. Thats what the WS does. They have the mentality that it's always because of what the BS did that the marriage is crumbling. Stop caring what her official story is. The real story is that she left and is having an A. She's lucky that you have been so protective of her and your marriage. <P>Let this incident roll off your back, Rick. You don't deserve to torture yourself like this. Remember, she's the one that has the explaining to do, not you.<P>take care of yourself,<BR>cleo <P>whewwwwwwwww, my fingers are tired.

I am with Cleopatra on this one! Remember, this is a natural consequence of HER actions, not YOURS! I find myself in a very similar situation with my in-laws, family, friends, etc. Everyone knows, actually everyone knew before I did! Noone supports him, his own mother has told him she doesn't want to see him again, there have been some very ugly conversations between him, his mother, his sister, his brother, etc. At first I thought this may be an additional hurdle to overcome should he decide to come back. Now I'm not so sure about that. If he decided to come back, everyone would be overjoyed and welcome him. I'm sure your parents will eventually feel that way, too. This is their reaction to some very bad news. It's understandable that they would be angry. Part of you probably wants to "protect" your wife from their anger, at least that's how I feel sometimes aboud my husband. I still love him and of course do not want to see anyone angry at him since he's still such a big part of me. I have told his family how I feel about it, but how they react is beyond my control. And my husband will just have to face it, it's part of what he did.<BR>AR<BR>

Rick,<BR>Our situation went on a long time with multiple separations. When one spouse leaves another, it is very common for the assumption of family & friends that one of the couple, usually the one leaving, is having an affair. <P>As Cleo & AR say, that's the consequence of your wife leaving her family. It doesn't really matter if you confirm it or not. <P>I didn't know for sure for the first 2 separations that there was an OW, so denied it when asked, I received a lot of pitying looks--and advice to imagine what I would do in worst case scenario... and a referral to MB.<P>My family has accepted my H back into the fold. We've basically agreed that if I want him & want our marriage, they will not make his return or life difficult. It's a compassionate, loving attitude. And he did apologize to my parents for the hurt he put me through--I neither expected that, nor at the time appreciated it, but now see it as one of the turning points of his fog having lifted.<P>You know, other people, even our best friends and family have their own trouble/problems/concerns and most of us focus more on ourselves than other. No one would have any business holding this against your W, especially if she was to come home to reconcile.<P>It isn't "Rick, how can you take her back", but "wow, if you guys can make it work, there's hope for most of us".<P>Don't borrow trouble for tomorrow .<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It helps alot. I'm sure each case is different. In my case, I have not told them of her having another man. That would not be a good thing to tell them. They are not very understanding of that kind of stuff. Historically, while I have a good relationship with them, I have never contantly filled them in on personal issues. I choose to keep that to myself, friends, wife, etc. Not with my parents. So, I'll not be telling them of my wife's affair (which isn't one of course). I merely wanted to tell them that she had moved out, so the next time my kids talk to them and say they are going for a sleepover at mommys, they would already know.<P>I will be careful with this when I speak to my wife. I'll put a better spin on it and say that they are concerned for us all, and for the kids, and hope we work it out.

Situation seems to be diffused now. Spoke to wife, and she had been mad all day at this. I explained to her that I can just interpret my parents reaction, and that they just don't see why we wouldn't have tried counselling. I also added that they just hope that separation helps us work it out and we can be together, and that I told them not to judge us. She became much happier, and said "you better be careful what you tell them in case we work it out, so they won't resent me". I take that as a subliminal admission of guilt. If nothing had been done wrong, she wouldn't worry about being resented. Anyway, there would be tension if she ever comes back, but nothing that can't be overcome...I think.

Rick - I think you're in command. Sounds like the situation is diffused. Her comment about resentment "in case we work it out" sounds to me like she's keeping the door cracked open pretty far. These subtle insights have disappeared from my wife's conversations lately. As an update, if it didn't report this already (I can't remember what I've posted and what has been a dream), my wife unceremoniously returned her cell phone without an explanation and now won't enter our(my)house, ever since we discussed the situation with my son being around the OM. But I'm convinced her brains are still scrambled - in the same conversation she admitted lying to me only once since the beginning, which of course, is a lie in itself. <P>WAT

Rick37,<P>I lurk but don't post much. I have found your story interesting because I find that you have a real chance to reclaim a stronger marriage with your wife after you work through all of this. I sincerely hope you do. <P>But you seem to be walking on eggshells and suffer from self-doubt. Do I tell her I know? What do I tell the parents? Will it upset her more? Drive her futher away?<P>What is in your heart? Tell your parents just what YOU want them to know. Take control. She moved out, she continues the affair. Keep building those bridges to her and make is safe and comforting for her to return, but personally I'd set boundries. And the first would be, no more lies. Without anger and bitterness, tell her you know perhaps not how, but do and insist upon honesty regardless of the outcome. It's time for that cat to be let out and demonstrates a stronger commitment on your part to stay a family. Afterall, if a WS becomes an ex, you deserve the truth and closure. Don't think it will, but trust your instincts.<P>Difficulty with the forum is, we do not often hear about why WS get drawn into the affair. What would she say that led her astray?<BR>

Rick, I tried to warn you. I am sorry your hurt by her reaction but I can't help but feel she is justified. The problems in your marriage belong to the two of you and it isn't right to allow your parents information that they can sit in judgement on your W without being prepared for her hurt from it. You should have just told them you were having problems and left it at that, instead of allowing it to go this far. <BR>As far as problems go, I guess I blame myself for my H's affair just as much as he blames himself. You see, if I had been meeting his needs he never would have felt the need to go out and have this affair... So, in essence there probably was something going wrong in your marriage prior to the affair. You were probably like me, blind to it until it was almost too late to repair it. I Thank God I never told my parents the truth behind our troubles, just that we were having some problems and trying to work things out, and that they were OUR problems, not theirs to sit in judgement on. I was very clear to them that it was our business alone. <BR>I think the main thing I would think about if I were you is what if you were in her shoes. What if your needs weren't being met for awhile and you decided to go out and have this affair. You still doubt you can make the marriage work so you separate but yet you hope that maybe.....and then you find out your in-laws know all about it. Would you make an honest effort to work on it then or would you simply hang your head in shame and leave.......I know how I would feel.......Sorry Rick but I see her view point.

Hi Rick,<P>Have been nowhere near a PC for the last week and have only today caught up with the posts on this forum.<P>With reference to the telling of your parents, it has to be whatever you feel is right. You will know the reaction of your Parents and Wife better than anybody else. This would obviously be your gauge as to how much information you disclose.<P>In my case I told my parents everything as soon as it happened including the fact that she was having an A. Although many people say that this information should be kept quiet, I was so shellshocked by the Discovery and my W's departure that I had to "spill" all of my understanding of the situation to try and get some advice on what could have happened. <P>My Parents are very understanding and were as devastated as I was when my W left as they have treated her like a Daughter all these years. My Mother in particualr is finding it very hard to cope with the fact that she has had no contact with my W for 12 weeks. They also back me 100% in whichever decision I make and would welcome her back with open arms and no recriminations if that is what I want.<P>The only other people that know the details (from me) are my Brother, 2 Best Friends and a work colleague. These are all people that I can trust not to give my W a hard time if ever she comes back.<P>I think that your W (and indeed mine) would be predisposed to acting angry irrespective of the level of details disclosed as they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds at the moment that they don't want anybody on the outside/from the past to know anything about them.<P>Just my thoughts.<P><BR>Keep on keeping on<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>