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#894683 11/28/00 04:39 PM
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This is going to be a very long post, but I don't have many people to talk to, so please bear with me. Wife and I are each 30 years old. I discovered 2 weeks ago that my wife (8.5 years, 13 year relationship) has been speaking with her ex on her cell phone for the past 2 months. Sometimes as many as 10 times a day, early in the morn, during lunch, on her way home, etc. All in all, over 125 calls for more than 500 minutes in the last 2 months. She had a child with him in 1986. I adopted the child in 1993 and have raised her as my own. Her ex used to threaten to kill me (and my wife) when we began our relationship at the age of 17/18. He was physically violent with her, has been in jail, had a restraining order against him, etc. Obviously, once we got married in 92, I thought that he was out of our lives forever. Well here he is after 14 years wanting "to see his daughter". My wife insists that he "has changed" and that they have no relationship, but had "issues" that needed to be resolved. She insists that they have not had physical intimacy, and I believed her at first, but now I am having my doubts. The timing and frequency of the phone calls are disturbing. We have begun marriage counseling, as she informed me that I haven't been meeting her needs for over a year. Granted, we married too early and I have occasionally been attracted to other women. NEVER have I acted upon any impulses, though. We had a child together a few years back and she has brought great joy to our lives, along with the older child. I am committed to saving our marriage, but should I press my wife for more information regarding the relationship? She says that she told him that she didn't want to speak to him anymore, but I still have recurring unpleasant visions of them. Am I over-reacting? Should I have already left? As I mentioned, I have sometimes been unhappy in our marriage, should I just get out now with this reason? Our kids are obviously a huge influence on my decision. I also still love my wife (I think). Maybe I'm just afraid of losing her and that's why I'm so committed to stayin. Thanks to all that reply, as I'm really lost right now.

#894684 11/28/00 06:13 PM
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Hey Brad,<P>In short, tread lightly, but don't ignore your instincts. <P>Don't be too confrontational right now. Your W has told you that she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. But you shouldn't take that at face value either...let's face it...250 minutes a month cannot be construed as casual contact. <P>You have reason to be aware of future contact, but you also don't want to drive her away from you. What if she is doubting your marriage and is drawn to this guy? If you come unglued, he may look like a good option and things will get complex very fast. <P>It is a sad fact that you need to put your trust on guard and keep a watchful eye on this to protect your marriage.<P>It is much too early to consider leaving your marriage because of your suspicions. It is very good you have both recognized the need to get counceling. It will help you work through this.<P>You are indeed bound in an unusual situation because your W and her ex are bound for life because of the child they had. This guy is not likely to go away completely for that reason alone. <P>Try to not dwell on what may have have happened...it will only cloud your thinking, and in the final analysis doesn't matter anyway. If you can, focus on the work that needs to be done to make your marriage stronger. That is what counts.<P>Have you learned about the concept of Plans A&B? The information is here on this site and is key to helping you get through this. <P>Remember that you can always get feedback here. You can come here to vent and get opinions, or to just talk to someone who has had a similar experience.<P>Best of luck to you..<P>Bob<BR>

#894685 11/28/00 06:59 PM
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If you feel you need to discuss this with her more, do it in your next counseling session. That's a safe place to do it, with a "referee". <P>I agree, it's too early to think of ending the marriage. You're wife hasn't been happy for a while, and you too admit to not being overjoyed in the relationship. Well, that's a big clue that neither of you are meeting the other's EN. I would suggest you pick up His Needs/Her Needs and read it. <P>I would hold off a bit on giving it to your wife right away, unless you think she'd be receptive to it. Start meeting her needs, and you'll probably find that once she sees this isn't just a ploy on your part, but a new you, she will likely reciprocate.

#894686 11/28/00 07:57 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It is bad enough to have your wife having inappropriate communication with another man, let alone this guy that was problematic for you in the past.<P>Like you've read already, it is definitely not too late and you shouldn't think of getting out of the marriage at this time. You should be doing Plan A, and trying to meet your wife's needs. Take a good look at what was wrong, and work on fixing it. You are lucky that she will attend counselling. That is a safe forum to bring things up.<P>To answer your questions, you are not over-reacting. No, you shouldn't have already left. You are to be commended for wanting to save your marriage. You have two children to think about raising together. If you are worried about the meaning of having sometimes been unhappy in your marriage, you are not alone. Lots of people feel that way. It doesn't mean it should end. It just means that both your ENs weren't being met. It is never too late to work on that. And being in love and adding "I think" isn't unusual either. Anyone that goes through problems and faces these kinds of situations can doubt their feelings and find it confusing. Love is a choice, and isn't a natural phenomena, like many married couples unfortunately think. It is too bad all married couples wouldn't engage in counselling and/or read books like His Needs/Her Needs, Light Her Fire (for men), Light His Fire (for women), etc. That would change the divorce rate in my opinion.<P>Anyway, in my opinion you just need to remain calm, know that you are not alone (you probably know already how many of us are experiencing the same stuff), and Plan A. I suppose the issue of OM seeing his child is a complex issue. Has he ever had any involvement? Has he any legal right? Does the child know about this? Are there any legalities that you should be looking at?<P>Hang in there, and post as often as you need feedback.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited November 28, 2000).]

#894687 11/29/00 09:29 AM
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Thanks for your words, Dynamo, Pam0 and Rick37. It is great to hear opinions from others regarding my situation. You all seem to realize that I am torn between 2 states of mind right now. I'm trying to focus on us and our relationship/how to improve it. But at the same time, I am struggling to get over the pain that this has caused. We had a really bad night last night, as I (probably wrongly) confronted her with the phone bill. It was not a good situation, as I came to the realization that she does in fact have feelings for him. Again, she continues to assert that there was no physical intimacy, but I've kind of lost trust in her as a result of her deception. Understand, the ex has had absolutely NO communication with the chuild involved until now. We told the child at the age of 11, as we felt she deserved to know and since we live in a small town, we wanted her to hear it from us. Of course, she is curious about him. I am listed as the father on the birth cert ("father" was left blank at the time of birth) and ex has never paid a penny in child support. Not that that really matters, but Rick37 addressed it. Here's what I'm feeling right now: I can't eat, sleep, spend qulity-time with my kids because of the pain that I feel over this betrayal. I'm also useless at work right now. I constantly feel the need for physical intimacy with my wife, probably out of insecurity. This is bothering her, as I sense that half of the time she is really into it as well but the other times, it's just not worth it and we end up fighting over that. Back to how I'm feeling: during last night's argument, I really thought that I should leave for my own physical well-being. The stress is relly affecting my appetite etc as I mentioned earlier. I couldn't get to sleep so I went to the couch and fell asleep. She awakened me this morning, being extremely affectionate - almost as if last night didn't happen. I could not reciprocate her affections (must be a first for everything) as my insides are a wreck right now. I don't know if I should act upon these STRONG impulses that I should leave (it'd be the easy thing to do) or keep fighting this out. The pain is beginning to become unbearable. I think that I am going to suggest that our family go and see a movie this evening to get my w and my minds off of this for a little while. I appreciate your input and thank you dearly for your understanding.

#894688 11/29/00 02:01 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BradTheDad:<BR><B>Here's what I'm feeling right now: I can't eat, sleep, spend qulity-time with my kids because of the pain that I feel over this betrayal. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a crucial time for you, Brad, and I would HIGHLY recommend that you talk to your physician about some medication such as anti-deps. As you state above, at this time when you need to be Plan Aing away and being the best mate you can, your anxiety is forcing you to do exactly the opposite.<P>Once you are on an even emotional keel, I would highly suggest looking into the literature here on Plan A, and I also highly recommend spending $95 and talking to Steve Harley for an hour..... <P> <BR>


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