Thanks for your words, Dynamo, Pam0 and Rick37. It is great to hear opinions from others regarding my situation. You all seem to realize that I am torn between 2 states of mind right now. I'm trying to focus on us and our relationship/how to improve it. But at the same time, I am struggling to get over the pain that this has caused. We had a really bad night last night, as I (probably wrongly) confronted her with the phone bill. It was not a good situation, as I came to the realization that she does in fact have feelings for him. Again, she continues to assert that there was no physical intimacy, but I've kind of lost trust in her as a result of her deception. Understand, the ex has had absolutely NO communication with the chuild involved until now. We told the child at the age of 11, as we felt she deserved to know and since we live in a small town, we wanted her to hear it from us. Of course, she is curious about him. I am listed as the father on the birth cert ("father" was left blank at the time of birth) and ex has never paid a penny in child support. Not that that really matters, but Rick37 addressed it. Here's what I'm feeling right now: I can't eat, sleep, spend qulity-time with my kids because of the pain that I feel over this betrayal. I'm also useless at work right now. I constantly feel the need for physical intimacy with my wife, probably out of insecurity. This is bothering her, as I sense that half of the time she is really into it as well but the other times, it's just not worth it and we end up fighting over that. Back to how I'm feeling: during last night's argument, I really thought that I should leave for my own physical well-being. The stress is relly affecting my appetite etc as I mentioned earlier. I couldn't get to sleep so I went to the couch and fell asleep. She awakened me this morning, being extremely affectionate - almost as if last night didn't happen. I could not reciprocate her affections (must be a first for everything) as my insides are a wreck right now. I don't know if I should act upon these STRONG impulses that I should leave (it'd be the easy thing to do) or keep fighting this out. The pain is beginning to become unbearable. I think that I am going to suggest that our family go and see a movie this evening to get my w and my minds off of this for a little while. I appreciate your input and thank you dearly for your understanding.

Brad,<P>Do yourself a favor, go to a bookstore and get "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring. It's a great book to help you understand why these things happen and it will help you at the very least to see that everything you are feeling right now is absolutely normal.<P>Everyone here has dealt with the sleeplessness, nightmares, loss of appetite, loss of concentration, wanting sex constantly or not at all or both. It's all par for the course. Rest assured, it will get better. Many here have found that getting on an antidepressant will help greatly.<P>You're kind of dealing with a double whammy. Not only is your wife having feelings for another man, but this same man also wants to in some ways take away YOUR daughter.<P>Keep posting. We all know what you are going through, and it really helps knowing others are going through the same things. <P><BR>el

How long does it take for my feelings to "get better"? I almost think that I would get better faster by leaving. It's like I go through phases daily. Phase 1, which hasn't occurred much the last few days, but did for the first week and a 1/2, is feelings of strong love and desire for my spouse. Phase 2 is my being sad phase. This phase isn't appearing that much right now, either. But Phase 3 - Anger - is a constant emotion right now. I am so angry (and hurt) that I can't see straight. I've never held much credence for medication in the past, but I'm beginning to think that that is my one true hope in acheiving reconciliation with w. I'm a complete amateur at such matters, would I just visit my physician and request it for my physical well-being? Thanks for caring...<BR>

Believe me, leaving will not make you feel any better at all. You will think the exact same things you are now, and more. And to top it off, you'll be without your wife and children. ALONE.<P>How long it takes for the feelings to go away is different for everyone. Your brain is still processing all of this, and I'm sure you are probably thinking of it at least 3 times a minute, probably more. Once it sinks in and you are better able to process it, the obsessing will die off a bit. Please, get the book I mentioned, it really helps to put things in the proper perspective, and that's when rebuilding can begin.<P>For the antidepressants, call your doctor, let them know what's going on and how you are feeling, and I'm sure they will gladly write you a script. Do it right away. It takes a while for the medication to take effect. Perhaps in the mean time they can give you Xanex for the anxiety to relax you a bit and hopefully help you to sleep.<P>And one more thing, DO NOT SLEEP ON THE COUCH!!!! That will only put more distance between you. If you wife is open to comforting you, LET HER!!

Brad - I've read your previous posts and your reactions are just like the rest of us. I have only one thing to add in addition to the other good advice you've gotten from our "club." Consider going to see a doctor. You mentioned you can't eat or sleep and are useless at work. You may have clinical depression. I had it severely - lost 20 pounds in a few weeks and at one point I was awake for 48 hours straight - wired! It is a sign of strength to seek help. I was put on antidepressants and they worked great, but it takes a while. Please consider it.<P>WAT