Plan A seems to emphasize the fact that the first step to reconciliation is to begin to meet the ENs of the betrayer w/o demeaning or demanding of/from the wayward spouse. I've got this little guy pride in the back of my head though that keeps wanting to be mean and say hurtful things to my wayward about how much she hurt me. That is, in a sense, it is VERY hard for me to "suck up" to her when I feel that she is the one who did the betraying. Are these natural feelings? Thanks again.

Brad:<P>For plan A to be effective, you typically need at least 3 months of effort. The 3-6 month period is what Harley usually recommends. And the FIRST step of Plan A is eliminating lovebusters---it's more important to do this first (if you have a history of disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, dishonesty, or selfish demands) than to meet needs. After lovebusters are under control, you should then attempt to meet needs that your spouse is willing to allow you to meet---and while they're having an affair, that can be precious little. Look to domestic support, family committment, and conversation as areas to work on first (if any of these are important to your wife).<P>Take an ice pick and stab yourself in the back of the head to let that pride out. It's going to get into the way. If you think logically about this, your wife is not in love with you right now. Love is conditional, and the OM is meeting those conditions. The good news is that love is conditional, and if you start meeting those conditions, she may fall back in love with you.<P>So:<P>1. You're not "innocent" in the fact that your marriage was bad (my guess). You need to take responsibility for your poor marital behaviors and skills. Plan A is about correcting these---and hey, it gives you something to do during this horrible time.<P>2. Will your wife love you more if you belittle and punish her? NO! It's very natural for you to have these feelings---but when dealing with an affair, I'd try to avoid acting on "natural feelings"---this is the reason that so many people end up divorced. Set a higher standard for yourself, and stick to it.<P>3. Affairs don't last, especially when they've been outed. This is the first step in the process. You're there now. You know what you're dealing with, and with the MarriageBuilder's information (and their counseling is terrific: 888-639-1639), you can actually have a plan. When the affair ends, you'll have a better chance of restoring your marriage if you follow these guidelines. If that's your goal---stick with it. You can be successful.

Brad:<P>Yes, it's very, very hard to resist those LB, but you must. Its perfectly natural to want her to do all the apologizing, but it ain't gonna happen, at least not for a long while.<P>Try to spend the time thinking about all the things you did, or didn't, do that got your W to the state where she chose to have an A. And yes, she must bear some of this responsibility too, but she is probably not ready to admit this yet, so don't force the issue right now.<BR>Just try to concentrate on doing the best job you can meeting her needs.<P>My W is busy LB'ing like crazy right now, but I have come to understand slowly that I must not respond in kind. When I do, things get much worse for a while. She has many years of issues she needs to 'get off her chest' right now, and it's my job to take it and learn from it.<P>It's hard, but it has to be done if you want to save your M.<P>Seagull

I know that pride thing very well. When you're going through this, and you read about Plan A, it all seems backwards doesn't it? they're the one having an A, why in the heck am I "kissing up"? That's when you need to stop and really look at the big picture. If you love your wife, you want to keep the marriage together, and you want to make her happy and let her know how deeply you love her, it's not kissing up. It's the way things should have been all along.<P>Tell your pride to take a hike. If I can do it, anybody can.

I'm going to break from the crowd here and say "hold on to that pride!" With one caveat: Use it in a constructive way.<P>From what I understand, Plan A is not about "sucking up" to your WS. It is all about YOU. You can't very well meet her EN's if you are wallowing in anger and self-pity! When I found out about my STBX's affair, I was crushed, I was angry. I did lots of yelling, and lots of demanding, and all it did was drive her away. I sank into a depression, and my misery didn't help make things better.<P>Then I changed my attitude. A different kind of pride kicked in. I realized there was no amount of talking, reasoning, yelling, or loving that would force her to come back. She had to come to that decision on her own, and I would have to be ready to deal with whatever she decided. So I started working on myself. I read lots of positive books, like "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," and things like that. I started working out, changed my diet, re-vamped the whole way I looked at life, and after a few weeks, I felt better about myself, and she noticed the change as well.<P>See, you need to work on yourself for your own sake. Keep trying to meet any EN's she will allow you to meet, don't LB, but focus your energy on you.<P>You need to make sure that when the "fog" lifts, there is a better man standing there for her. If it's just the same old you, it won't work. That's what Plan A is about, IMHO.