I've been seperated for almost 2 years now. My H left and is with the ow. Their affair started late 98 early 99. They're not living together but the affair is still going. She divorced her second H to be with mine. My stbx and I have filed, money is whats stopping us right now to finalize things. <P>Here's my question: My H says its not an affair. I can call it what ever I want but to him its not an affair.<P>Is it me that only sees this as an affair? Is it now a relationship because he has left his family and filing for divorce? I don't get it....I recently went into plan B. I'm sure that I LB big time with the letter I did send but I can't change that now. Anyway, Is this still concidered an affair? <BR>thanks<BR>rizz<P>

Sounds like an EA if they aren't physical. But no man leaves his family to live apart for another womans friendship. My H used to hate it when I referred to the Ow as his girlfriend...she isn't my girlfriend he would bellow...hmmm...call it what you want but a rose by any other name is a rose right? <BR>Sounds to me like he is in denial...and after 2 years and an empending divorce sounds like he is deep in fog.<BR>EA are affairs too.<BR> <BR>

If you consider an affair an "extra-marital relationship" and you and your H are not yet divorced - and he's leaving to be with her - it is an extra-marital relationship.<P>Webster's say "an affair is an illicit amorous relationship - liaison." So, if he was with this woman before you were divorced - he had an affair. If he marries her after divorcing you - then it may not be an illicit relationship so to speak, but it was a relationship born out of an illicit relationship - unless of course he's a polygamist. . . IMHO. . .it's still an affair at this point.

Rizz,<P>Don't get caught up in argueing with him about whether or not is an affair or not. You know what it is and he knows what it is. Trying to get him to come around to your way of thinking isn't going to work. Put your energy into working on yourself. Sounds like a really difficult situation, but you will come through it a stronger person. Keep working on you and let your husband worry about what he wants to classify what he is doing.<P>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim

I guess your H doesn't want to admit it because "affair" sounds so bad! And he wants to think this is a real relationship, not an affair. But I think (and hope) he knows what it is in his deep mind.. but he has to justify what he's doing.<P>Like Tim said, don't think about it too hard. And try not to make him agree because he's not going to..if he does he has to agree he's doing the wrong thing, and I'm sure he hates to be a bad guy.<P>Meg<BR>

<BR>What is it abou if not an affair? If he is not with you, fils for divorce...?<BR>Does you ever talk about reconciliation? Is there any hope if it is only EA or is also PA?<BR>Two years are long time and I woder how can you stand this situation so long.<BR>I've been separated from my H till March (first on different floors of our family house and from July he threw me from our house into the other apartment) and I am hopeless now, I don't see any chances neither in Plan B. My H moved his "friend " into our house. Just opposite than in your case we settled property things, devided formyly the house, mone all material thing but he does not want to fill for divorce.<BR>Where does your H live while you are separated, are you sure that he is not withOW?<BR>I don't have better advice than the others, it is not important how do you call it: affair, relationship. friendship, love... it stays what it is. And if he fils for divorce ...I don't know, from all of my heart i want him to change his mind and start thinking of you (and kids-do you have some?) but you have to work on yourself (how easy is to advice someone else and how hard is to make that by yourself)-like everyone said to you and to me . Let's try both of us!<BR>Hope you'll be lucky. Please write.<P>

Thanks all!<BR>I know its an affair and I believe deep down he knows it is too! But your right I'm not going to get caught up in the argueing! Its not worth it. <BR>I'm the one who filed first. I couldn't stand living in "limbo". I (we) went through mediation. What a joke. The dude (mediator) was so s-l-o-w, which sometimes might be a good thing. But it took this mediator guy over a year to get us to where we are now. We have met up with his attorney, now we have to both come up with over $1000.00 for this attorney to file for us. So the $$$ is his biggest problem. He just doesn't have it. <BR>H family knows her, all have met her. She even has the balls to call my MIL "mom". <BR>About a month ago, when i was talking with H more, (he would come in the house to pick the kids up, have a few beers and chat with me)....anyway, he said to me "would you take me back"....I was in shock, i couldn't believe what i was hearing....But on the other hand i knew he was NOT serious. I just said "I don't know". <BR>Then during an e-mail battle, he had written "I hope you didn't think I wanted to come back, I apologize if you took it the wrong way". I of course was pissed at him for other reasons, told him "to get over himself" along with a few other words...... (couldn't help it). Ya know a person can only take sooo much. I can't be nice to him anymore, i can't be his friend. He thinks with me being nicey nicey to him that this is ok with me, I'm ok with what he's doing with the slug. Well i'm not ok with it. They have hurt a lot of people, and for what? Cuz, she makes him happy.....<BR>Gezzzz, can ya tell i'm still a little angry <BR>I have to work on that! <BR>rizz

To me it would always be an affair and she would always be the OW. It's funny. I am a person who is very respectful of marriage vows. If I get hit on by a married man I am repulsed. However, if my H had left and married OW, those are the one set of vows I would have no respect for. I would just find it ludicrous. As a matter of fact, if he was my exH, married to her, and he came around wating to sleep with me, i would if I felt like it. I would feel no guilt. I would sooner cut my arm off than be some guy's OW, but if it was my exH... . Their vows would mean nothing to me. Of course I wouldn't make any effort to keep it a secret either.<p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited November 30, 2000).]