I hate to use this forum as my "journal", but since I've been posting here, I've received some great advice and I'm really struggling right now. Please bear with me. The most prevalent advice that I've received here is to Plan A away on my wife. I am finding it increasingly difficult to such a thing. Those of you that have read my previous posts know that my wife has adamantly denied being in a PA with OM. She is almost refusing to accept the EA obsession as well. How else do you explain the time/frequency/pattern of 500 cell phone minutes in 2 months? At this point, I just want the truth from her and she refuses to talk with me without becoming EXTREMELY defensive. I've accepted in my mind the worst-case scenario. Her continuous deception has led me to this point. Here's an example: I was in dc for business earlier this month. A few days (before the latest phone bill) I asked her if she and OM spoke much while I was gone. She looked me straight in the eyes and said no. The latest phone bill shows otherwise - 35 calls in the 4 days that I was gone. Obviously, I don't have the entire truth yet. When I am Plan A'ing her, I constantly feel like I am in competition with OM. SHE IS MY WIFE, I shouldn't have to feel this way. She put me in this position and I am so angry at her for that. In our 8 year marriage/13 year relationship, I have NEVER been physical with her, but I am having those urges now. I simply want to hurt her as she has me. Plan A is the LAST way that I want to treat her right now. My psychologist told me yesterday that I need to give her space until she is ready to talk to me. I continue to be unable to sleep, eat, concentrate, etc. I have an appt with the psychiatrist at my counselor's officer this aft; I am going to give the anti-d's a try. I know that I have to for my own physical well-being. I've dropped 15 lbs in 15 days and I'm still self-knowledgable to know that I am in bad shape in every way right now. I have also come to the realization that my life WILL go on if my WS doesn't "choose" me. I can cope. I am just so concerned about our children. This will devastate both of them, but I can't see myself accepting much longer the fact that MY wife is in love with 2 people. Especially considering my past with OM. Maybe the anti-d's will lift my spirits for a longer period to help me deal with this. Thanks for your concern.

Brad,<BR>I'm really sorry you are in this place, but the truth is she may never admit to an inappropriate relationship with OM.<BR>My H continued for a year after discovery with not admitting it was anything other than friendship and all the confrontations never changed that.<P>You have to accept that you are not crazy, you know what is happening and learn the dynamics of affairs. She is having an affair, you know it, I know it, anyone who has the information would know it. But sometimes I think they are in deep denial to themselves even. You can't make her see and admit it before she is ready. You can only control yourself. I'm glad you are seeing someone and getting on antidepressants.<P>Yes, give her space, stop confronting her, live your life and keep reading and posting here to keep your sanity.<BR>Lora

Dear BradTheDad,<P>It is always the worst at the start when all the anxieties, doubts, jealousies, etc., come at you. Like your OM, my WS's witch was put in prison for kniving him - so these OPs can create worse feelings. I went into counselling with a church pastor trained in marital counselling and I was able to let all the suicidal thoughts come out of myself but they surfaced as violence. I got violent because my WS got very angry and voluble everytime I questioned him. His decibels got so loud that baby is often awaken scared and unable to settle. I started hitting him to shut him up and it went on and on.<P>I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants but as I was nursing I was unable to take them. They are recommended if you are depressed and on the verge of physical violence, to help you detach and think rationally.<P>I have been advice by the psychiatrist to :<BR>1. not make any major decisions during this time<BR>2. to look after myself first and foremost<BR>3. to lavish attention on myself so that I focus on tangible results and feel good about pampering<BR>4. seek the support of trustworthy family, friends, church pastors or elders - they are my lifelines and always calling and coming to see me and looking after the baby as I was totally unable to do so. You may want to leave your children with trustworthy family for a while as you grieve <BR>5. redirect the love to the baby and or children<BR>6. write down all the question I have<BR>7. keep on counselling<BR>8. make a choice to forgive and forgive in pieces till you are free of the torment (I am a Christian and the bible has much wisdom in this area). Forgiveness is a choice - you make that choice to give up the right to hurt someone for hurting you.<BR>9. if it is cathartic, write your feelings to your wife or discuss with her<BR>10. think about the next step, one step at a time <P><BR>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep<BR>

Brad - all I can add is that she's following the script. So many of us have been in your role. They will look you in the eye and lie, lie, lie. There will be lies on top of lies. There will be lies that a child wouldn't believe. My wife's affair has been in progress 6 months. She has never admitted it, although in a weak moment in July, she told me she was in love with him. Any way, the other day she told me she has lied to me only once, although she knows I caught her in lies numerous times - and those are just the ones I confronted her with. It got so bizarre that I began to describe it to my supporters as she was abducted by aliens and they scrambled her brains before releasing her. Expect the same.<P>Good luck, and Plan A - work on yourself!<P>WAT

I don't know how you've stuck it out with her so long. Where are you getting your strentgh, because it's only been 15 days for me and I'm just about tapped out. Hopefully the anti-d's will give me some hope because I'm really getting close to giving up.

Brad:<P>I'd encourage you to do two things that helped me immensely during my journey through my wife's affair:<P>1. Call Steve or Jenn Harley (888-639-1639) for counseling. They will help you to understand your situation much better and quicker than you'll be able to do on your own (even with all this help here). They will also work with you to formulate an achievable plan to deal with this situation.<P>2. Talk to your doctor about going on antidepressants. It's a good idea to have a clear head when dealing with these issues.<P>The bottom line is right now, your wife is probably only "in love" with one person. And it's not you. Don't let that minor fact distract you. She fell in love with you once. She can do it again. You're right to be concerned about your children's well-being if you should divorce, and yours as well---you'd be unlikely to get physical custody of your kids should you divorce. You need a plan that will help you deal with what amounts to a temporary situation. Affairs rarely last more than 2 years after discovery. How you behave and what you do during this affair will strongly influence whether your wife will return to the marriage after the affair ends.<P>The OM is no prize. I'm guessing that this situation will probably blow up on your wife pretty quickly. Call the Harley's---they're pros on dealing with these situations.

Brad - you find the strength. Look at your kids - it's best for them to have a complete family. You vent and communicate here. You look at yourself, identify what things you can work on to make you attractive to her again, and you do it. The anti-deps will help tremendously - but you have to make it until they begin working. You can do it. Look at all the people posting here who are doing it. My wife's affair was likely rooted in the death of one of our sons - so I had a double whammy - if I can do it, so can you!<P>We will not let you give up. I threatened to get a bunch of guys together and kick confused/hurt's butt if he didn't follow the plan and we'll do the same to you!<P>WAT

Sounds like you're about in the worst part of "discovery," Brad. I wish I could say it will get better, but this is just the first, steep hill of a rollercoaster of emotions. Brace yourself!<P>Here's some advice that may help. Don't look at your W as deliberately decietful, and out to cause you pain. The only way I could bring myself to accept what was happening was to look at her if she was "sick." In effect, I came to understand that my W was in the grip of emotions she could not control. She wasn't out to hurt me, she still really loved me, but couldn't resolve her emotional problems.<P>Brad, the affair is not a cause of your marital problems, it is a symptom. The reason she still denies the A is because she probably is in denial herself. She has convinced herself that what she is doing is not an affair, nor is it wrong, nor is it hurting you. If she could really see what she is doing to you, she would stop right away, but what we call the "fog" is obviously very thick right now. It pains me to see what you're going through, because it mirrors my own situation.<P>My STBX is still convinced that the OM had nothing to do with our separation, her decision to move out, or our impending divorce. When I was where you are (about 2 weeks after d-day), her e-mails to him said things like "you are my drug of choice," "I never thought I could love anyone as much as you," and other things. She really thought he was her "soul-mate!" <P>Now, just 4 months later, it looks like the perfect romance is all but over. Patience, Brad...patience! You should try looking at your wife as someone who has an emotional illness. There's a line in a song that sums it all up, I think: "...please forgive them, for they know not what they do..."<P>Just do not, DO NOT get physical with her. From your earlier posts, I'd say she's had enough of that in her life.

Well, my psych that I was supposed to see today called and cancelled until Dec 14! I knew that my body couldn't wait that long, so I called my family doctor (who happens to be w's 2nd cousin). I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels like, but I think I may have had one on the way to see the doc. I had been avoiding going to him since I knew that he will never look at w the same way again. But I had to listen to Weep (thank you) and take care of myself here. Who cares what he thinks of her when he sees her. Just wait until the OM blabs his big fat mouth and the entire town (very small) knows that she went to him. Obviously I dread the public humiliation, but I said earlier I hope that W starts hurting, because she's given me my share the last 15 days. Anyway, he put me on Effexor and Xanax and I have to go see him again next week. He is such a good, holy man; I was fearful that he would be judgemental but he was anything but. I've always had faith in God but the last 4 years I've kind of "lost my religion". Dr suggested that I give it a try now, but I don't think that's the answer just yet. Eventually I think that I will find my religion and pull through via that. I just hope that the a-d's can help me to begin functioning again. I miss food and sleep! I'm sure that my boss is missing my production as well. I have billed exactly zero hours since last Wed. All I can do is listen to music, read and get on this board. Oh yeah I'm getting to be good at fighting with W as well. Hard to even play with the kids as it makes me too emotional. Anyway W is still in the denial phase, as I said earlier - I just want the truth. Maybe I'll get it someday, maybe not. Possibly she recognizes just how badly I'm hurting right now and doesn't think that I can handle the truth. And maybe she's right about that. Even though I've accepted the worst-case scenario, it still will be different actually hearing it from her. And maybe I need to be in a better place physically/mentally/emotionally to hear the truth. I miss her so much though. As the Plimsouls once sang, it feels like she's "a million miles away". I'm going to stay away from the board Friday, as I'm going to try and have a really good day and be productive at work. On the verge of sleep I often "dream" of falling off of curbs and my entire body jerks. That's what happens everytime that I think of W and OM together. Maybe I'll keep the curb-falling to a minimum tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for their help and advice. Hopefully someday (soon?) I'll be able to pitch in and help with some of the other situations going on on this board.<P><BR>Brad