Folks<P>For those of you who know my story and that the OM lives 2000 miles away.. W and I currently separated under one roof.<P>Well, OM is currently visiting our town to see W. I was away for business for 2 weeks and when I returned W and 12yr old D were not home (I arrived at 6.00AM). They arrived home late that afternoon after W picks up D from school and we went out to a school social function that evening.<P>When I woke up this morning (W left early for work) there was a note saying that she would not be home tonight. No mention of where she was going or who she would be seeing and when she would be back, but she was obviously going to be with OM.<P>I saw RED and rang her at work and told her that in no uncertain terms was I going to accept this behaviour, and if she wanted to go out in future and leave me to baby sit, then she needed to discuss it with me first. All she said was "I forgot to tell you". After some questioning I found out she plans to return tommorrow afternoon.<P>Question do you think I did wrong? I know it was a big LB but I just couldn't accept this even after 3 months of Plan A. I told her I wasn't prepared to be treated like a doormat, a piece of ***t. <P>I am seriously thinking of going to Plan B as I think I have had about all I can take. I think I will get all our financial settlement sorted (we almost have agreement) and leave the matrimonial home ASAP. After 3 months of Plan A it seems we have grown more and more detached as my W plans to make a new life with the OM who she has been seeing for 18 months now. <P>To continue with Plan A at this stage seems futile as her respect for me would be shattered to think she can do what she is doing and still get away with it. Has anyone else felt like this?<P>My D is so upset over the looming separation that I will feel so guilty about leaving, but for my own sanity I believe it is all I can do. My W is currently in the "taker" mode and can't see past herself. But I also feel that I am deserting my D in some way by leaving. This situation is so much like hell.<P>I don't believe that my W will ever be able to look at reconciliation until she has tried life with the OM. She is way to way emotionally attached to him and in so thick a fog.<P>I could hold up their getting together for some time, as at present, in order for her and him to get together it is dependent on us selling our house. I don't see much point in delaying, it seems sooner would be better as life is currenly hell and I honestly can't see it turning around until they have experienced mundane cohabitation and come down from their fantasy.<P>I would appreciate all your thoughts as I know it is a big decision.<P>Colin<P>

Colin - as to your first question, I don't think you did wrong. You have to have limits. I admire your restraint.<P>Three months of Plan A isn't very long, but if she's been seeing him for 18, well maybe it's long enough. If Plan A hasn't shown progress, more of an argument to switch. Listen to NSR on this one.<P>Is there any way to get her to move out instead of you? You and D stay together and let her really experience life with OM? If you leave, does D stay with your W and OM? This doesn't sound good for your D.<P>I don't feel like I know enough to be certain. Please reply to us as we answer so we can keep up with your thoughts. We're with you all the way. Keep your cool.<P>WAT

{{{{{inlimbo}}}}},<P>I'm sorry for the deep hurt your W is causing you.<P>I've been there...<BR>...the affair in full bloom under my nose...<BR>...it's got to be the hardest thing to live through...<P>Now what to do?...<BR>(...and WAT... I'm smiling here wondering how you know that what comes from me makes any sense... <BR>...I thank you for the vote of confidence...<BR>...but let's remember my divorce is very near...<BR>...but I do take your words as a most gracious complement... )<P>OK... Colin...<P>saying "I wasn't prepared to be treated like a doormat, a piece of ***t."...<BR>...is an LB. <P>But don't worry about it...<BR>...we (in Plan A) have <B>all</B> done this...<BR>...we're all human!<P>I too, am not sure of your situation (being able to be the custodial parent... financially able to go through a custody battle... etc.)<BR><B>BUT</B>... if you <B>want to</B> or <B>can</B> do these...<BR>HAVE HER MOVE OUT!<P>You can't force her out...<BR>...but... strange as it sounds....<BR>...keep up Plan A-ing...<BR>...<B>PLAN A TO THE HILT</B>!!!<BR>...and what really will do it...<BR>...is openning up to her regularly...<BR>......how much her seeing the OM is hurting you.<P>Just speak your feelings (no nasty words please)...<BR>..."Dear... Darling... Honey... (whatever)...<BR>by you seeing this other man I feel very hurt...<BR>I can't force you to stop seeing him...<BR>...but please understand how this drains away my love for you...<BR>...that loss of love has unpleasant consequences for everyone...<BR>...Know I still love you... and will continue to work on this marriage...<BR>...as long as that love is still flickering."<P>...in a very short time...<BR>...guilt or pride will make her move out!<BR>...physically.<P>Do postpone the selling of the home...<BR>...as long as you can!<P>Do get your financial house in order taking control of accounts to protect all of your assets...<BR>...and especially those of your child!<P><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><P>and if you missed this...<BR><B>DO NOT MOVE OUT!</B><P>Show your daughter how strong her Daddy was!!!<BR>What a great thing to see a man... standing tall for his daughter!!!<BR>She will be so proud of you. <BR>So many dads just walk away...<BR>...(not that this may come out of a necessity... bit if it can be avoided... avoid it!)<P>You talk about "(your) life being hell"...<BR>...given a little more time... (in Plan A)...<BR>...the "hell" will become <B>her</B> life!<BR>...and when she moves out... she'll have that "...experienced mundane cohabitation..." <BR><B>Let it be on YOUR terms</B>!<BR><B>Let her decide to leave</B>!!!<P>Try staying stronger in Plan A...<P>You really can show much more strength in (what you consider) weakness (i.e. doormat)!<BR>A great paradox of "faith"!<P>Jim

WAT<P>Thanks for your advise and support it is much appreciated.<P>In answer to your question there is little hope of custody for me as I work away for 2 week periods and therefore can't look after my D during those times. Unfortunately either way my D will stay with my W for that reason whether with me or the OM. The latter really breaks my heart. <P>My D is really upset at the prospect of W going to live with OM as she now knows this is the likely outcome. My W isn't phased however as she is intent on fullfilling her wishes, even though she was the one who wanted to come back and try again at ourmarriage 4 months ago.<P>My W is not avery strong person so when the OM kept up contact she eventually weakened and let him back in to her life even after a 3 month separation from him. First there were the usual signs of withdrawal and she figured if she missed him that much he must be the one true love for her (all classic symptoms I know).<P>NSR<P>Thanks so much for your prompt reply. I really hope you have given me the strength to keep on Plan A for a while longer.<P>Despite the affair we still seem to get along reasonably well as we go out to dinner on occassions and spend time shopping with each other , etc. She says she still wants to be friends no matter what happens. <P>Withj respect to Plan A however my only concern, as I say, is that sometimes I feel that by so doing you come across as a weak person who will allow any sort of behaviour to take place and not object to it. In fact my W has said to me in the past that there is no way she would never have put up with this from me and would have asked me to move out long ago.<P>I know the OM is constantly discussing me with my W and the various strategies to tear me away from my W. I feel like the enemy in my own home. It seems with respect to Plan A your damned if you do and damned if you dont as he will always see some way to tell the W that it is mind games I am playing so therefore I am being devious. <P>There is of course little trust between us because of the constant lies and the bond between the two of them so Plan A sometimes seems so false.<P>My W says she isn't feeling ambivalent, she feels she has made her decision and just feels like she is In Limbo until she can settle our financial situation and go and purchase a house for her and the OM (move on as she put it). <P>I hope this all goes someway to explaining our situation and once again thank you for your words of wisdom.<P>Colin <P>

inlimbo,<P>Any chance you can change your job/career?<P>Move closer to relatives (if they live in your state)?<P>If none of the above is possible...<BR>...it may be sad fact that you have to leave.<P>One of our foremost veterans <B>K</B> had to go this route in his Plan B...<BR>...very hard.<P>Keep us posted.<P> <P>Jim

Just returned from trip, hence the slow response. I would definitely try and not sell the house on a whim. You never know what she will do, how long she might go for, etc. I guess your situation dictates what is necessary, but just my two cents.<P>Is it time for Plan B? Well, you definitely want to have Plan A'd up until she leaves, if she does. Just so she has that fresh view of how wonderful you were when it falls apart with OM. I understand your frustration though....this threat of moving 2000 miles is an awful thing to have to deal with. Can you get a separation agreement that requires her to not leave where you are?<P>I would hold out on leaving, because if she leaves soon anyway, you are not the bad guy, and you can always have that. You'll have done your best. Your D will someday understand that too.<P>So it is a hard decision, but my 2 cents is to hold out and Plan A, and don't sell the house to accommodate her, and don't move out.