OK. I need some advice here. OW has given H an ultimatum of Jan 14---either he's moved out of our house, or she walks away from their relationship.<P>I am at the point that I need for him to make a decision based on whether or not he wants to stay and work on our marriage, or not. Do I wait out her ultimatum, or do I give him one of my own? I do not want him to stay simply because she walked away. I want to work on our marriage. Our counselor has said that he wants to stay, but basically will wait until someone makes the decision for him.<P>I feel like Darva Conger---if I "perform" well enough until Jan 14 then he'll "choose" me and I'll win the big prize---my H. Pretty sick when you look at it that way. Maybe I just answered my own question.....<P>It just sucks that it's Christmas so soon. I do not want our kids to forever remember that it was at Christmas that daddy left our family to go be with someone else. I don't think that I can "fake it" for that long, even for the kids sake.....

OK, probably a stupid question, but I don't know how to update this thread. I've put together an email for him and would like as much input on it as I can get. Thanks!!!<P>Dear H,<P>I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days while you have been in Florida for work. I have finally come to the realization of how I really feel about what is going on. I think that I've truly felt this way for quite some time, but just wasn't ready to accept it.<P>I love you. I need you. I want you to be a part of my life forever. The last 8 months have been a living hell, and I truly believe that this situation was for a purpose. I believe that God needed to give us a wake up call as to what our marriage had become. I have learned a lot about why this happened and what things that I was doing to create the potential of you finding someone else to fill your needs. I now know what needs to be done to prevent it from happening in the future.<P>The fact remains that up until this point, there have not been any decisions made about the future. I have been led to believe that you want to stay here and work on our marriage. OW has been led to believe that you want to leave me and spend the rest of your life with her. What is it that you truly want for your life? That has to be what the decision is, not waiting until someone else has given an ultimatum and letting them walk away.<P>I feel that with OW waiting in the wings that you have very little faith and trust in our relationship or marriage. I feel like if I do what it is that you want until Jan 14, that I'll win the contest and the grand prize---you. That's not what this is all about anymore. I want you to want to be with me and to work on our marriage. I want that to be your choice, your decision.<P>I am not giving you a date as to when this decision has to be made. However, I do not know how much longer I can live with things going as they are today---with the relationship with OW not being permanantly severed. As I've said, I want you to stay and work on our marriage because it was your decision and what you truly want for your life. Not simply because her ultimatum was ignored.<P>I truly love you and want to be together forever.<P>All my love,<BR>hurtinginil<P>

Well, you already know how I feel about it. I've been thinking.....maybe if you approached him now that he either needs to cut off contact with "her" and work on the marriage or remove himself from the home that the Holiday's could work to your advantage. If he's close to his children being put out just before the holiday's might be what it takes to make him wake up. I just don't think that your sitting there stressing out about the 14th of January is fair to you at all!! And, just because the ow says she'll stop seeing him if he doesn't leave by then doesn't mean that she will. How long are you willing to have him continue this double life? And, I agree with you.....having him there because she walked is not near as nice as having him there because he wanted to stay. So, my opinion is that you tell him that he stays and works on the marriage along side you and stops all contact with the OW or he leaves now and you might shut the door behind him forever. If he decides to stay I think that is the perfect time for Plan A. I think that Plan A when he's continuing to see her stinks, personally. If you do tell him this then you need to be prepared to back up your words. I think a lot of wayward spouses continue with their affair because they know that even though their behavior stinks the spouse will continue to keep them around or take them back. What motivation is that?

Your letter is a good idea however I'd like to suggest some changes.<P>Dear H,<P> I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days while you have been in Florida for work. A lot of thinking about you, me and us. I have felt every emotion there is upon discovery of your affair. Anger, hurt, extreme sadness and love. The strongest emotion I felt was fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not having the man that I loved more than anything in my entire life here. The fear doesn't feel good. In some ways I learned a tremendous about about myself and us while facing this fear. Your affair not only caused me pain but it was also a great wake up call for me. The fact that we had been married for a long time and that there were so many times when you or "us" were put on the back burner. The taking for granted of many things. This wake up call has made me decide that I need to change and that I want to change. I want to do this for me and I also want to do it for "us". I thought about begging you to stay but that isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to me. I deserve to have a husband here with me because he wants to be here. <P>The fact remains that up until this point, there have not been any decisions made about the future. I have been led to believe that you want to stay here and work on our marriage. OW has been led to believe that you want to leave me and spend the rest of your life with her. What is it that you truly want for your life? The decision has to be made by you, not made because you were tossed an ultimatum. <P>I have stood by you these past 8 months and I've never waivered on my love for you. There comes a time when I have to face my pain and fears though and I think that time has come. I want you here because you want to work on our marriage and take those steps along side me. Start out small and together the steps can get bigger and bigger. I know that from all of the frustrations, hurt, anger and fear that I have felt these past eight months have made me a strong enough person to be able to make these steps along side the man that I married, the man that I love. I also know that these emotions have made me strong enough to know that I can't continue to feel like I'm competing for my own husband, my family. I need to you walk beside me and work on us or leave. I pray every night that you'll choose "us". If you decide to leave "us" I hope that you'll always remember how hard I tried for us and how much I loved (love) you. <BR>

Bonnie---that is simply excellent! You won't sue me for plagarism if I use it, will you?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtinginil:<BR><B>The fact remains that up until this point, there have not been any decisions made about the future. I have been led to believe that you want to stay here and work on our marriage. OW has been led to believe that you want to leave me and spend the rest of your life with her. What is it that you truly want for your life? That has to be what the decision is, not waiting until someone else has given an ultimatum and letting them walk away.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I like the letter, but you're indirectly giving him an ultimatum also in that paragraph (God forbid we ask a WS in the fog to make a decision for themselves ) I'd maybe let him know that I love him, and I will put 100% into the marriage, but that I can't do this alone much longer. But I'm not the expert, unfortunately!<P>Is there any reason why you can't hold off on sending this until after your appointment with Steve Harley on Wednesday? He'll get you on a plan and can give you good advice on how you should about talking to your H when he's in this fog that he's in. It's only 5 days that you would need to hold off.

Hi CB! I also emailed this to you this morning. Thanks so much for your advice. I was thinking of holding off until after my appt with Steve. I just want to have it perfected so when I feel it's time, I have it ready to go.<P>I just have a feeling that something may happen this weekend and wanted to be prepared. Who knows.....

hurting,<P>I thought both letters were good, but there were things not said that for me would be central:<P>1. I do not believe we are "working" on our marriage as long as OW is still in the picture. Harley makes the case in the book SAA.<P>2. I have tried hard to meet your needs, but we won't know what it can be like when we are both fully here, because we are not right now. The rejection I feel affects my feelings and behavior toward you.<P>3. I want to protect the love I still have for you, the last 8 months are taking their toll.<P>4. It doesn't have to be break it off or leave...there could be a transition, you've planned A while he's home for many months, that's tough!<P>I'm not clear on something? Did you think he had broken contact or was he always keeping her "in the wings"?<P>If it were me, I could see myself saying something like, "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. Honey, when (not if!) you decide you want this marriage you know I'll give it 100%. Until then, I'm moving on with my life."<P>I have grown so much from all this, I could do this now. Live in the same house, but focus on myself and the kids. Still cook and care for him, but set boundaries - not sex to win him over, no butt kissing. It would now be on my terms.<P>Psst. I've done something very much like this recently even though the slut was long gone. You are true to yourself which will make you feel even better, and you show him you are STRONG!<P>

hurtinginil - Try not to worry about it too much, just enjoy the time that you have with him. I don't know how you can stand having your H gone so often! Girl, you should try to enjoy those moments that you have with him, even if he's being a pain in the @ss right now!<P>Here's an exercise for you (you know what a big fan I am of those! ) : <P>Now before I can EVEN get flamed on this, I KNOW that it's not supposed to be a "competition" between the W and the OW. BUT I think that there's a difference between "competition" and "motivation", and that motivation isn't necessarily a bad thing.<P>So hurtinginil, here's what you do - every time you're ready to LB on your H, picture the OW, with her K-Mart 99 cent toe-nail polish, grinning like a cat who just swallowed a canary. She's smiling to herself in the mirror, thinking that she's all that with her Aqua Net hair and Lee Press On Nails. She knows that with every problem you and your H have, he's one step closer to her. Don't give the witch the satisfaction!<P>You said yourself that your H has stated that he has no intention of leaving, but has acknowledged that you two need to do some serious work on your marriage. It will have to come down to him cutting off all contact with the OW, but let Steve give you advice on how to handle that. It's the holiday season, enjoy your family! <P>