My wife has become somewhat cold and grouchy the past two weeks, basically since it became clear that she wanted to tell the kids about our separation, and start having them at her place. I was away for 3 days, so this was the first time she had them there. She took great pleasure in telling me that they call it home when they are there. They tell me that they were on a sleepover at moms place.<P>Anyway, we had decided about a month ago that we'd have Xmas in my house. Then she changed her mind and wanted it at her house. I said no, but now she wants to be here in the morning, and have dinner at her house. I first said no, but gave in and said OK, cause otherwise it would blow up, and she is already cold. Guess the comprimise is good. She asked what would be different about her house. I wanted to say because OM stays the night sometimes, but held back.<P>She is of the opinion that at the start, the days I don't have the kids, I should not talk to them at her house. We had agreed to the opposite all along. I questioned this, and she said "well, just at the start so they know we are apart". My feeling is that we should talk often so they know we are both still here for them.<P>My wife's tone is really negative, abrasive, cold. Guess this is to be expected on and off. You never know what you will get.<P>She is mentioning going on a 2 week vacation somewhere this spring. I didn't comment, but that isn't possible. If she did that, I'd have to put the kids in daycare for the whole time (during day). Is it logical under a separation to have to agree on two separate weeks that we each can take them for the week and allow the other a vacation? To me, if she wants a vacation, she should be vacationing with the kids. That is what I'll be doing. It annoys me, because she has been on vacation for 8 months if you know what I mean.<P>Anyway, her continued sudden changes in attitude and opinions are getting to me. I look at her and wonder (like many of us) if she'll ever come out of this. She also mentioned that this will probably be the last year that we are together for Xmas. That thought is rather sickening....maybe she is planning on OM being around next year...who knows. I don't know what is going on there.<P>Anyway, I'm feeling resent right now because at mid week she'll be taking the kids for 5 days, and it will be the first time I'm here and away from them. I resent that she had an affair, denies it, lies about everything, walked away from the marriage, and I get to not see my kids for 5 days. I'm more than resentful. I want to give her a piece of my mind....but I won't....don't worry. Thanks for listening (reading).<P>

Rick,<P>I think you did really well with the Christmas thing. On the plus side, if she's at your house during the morning, then you're at her house for dinner (drag it out), guess who won't be there? You got it, OM. If I were you, I would try and rig it for her to stay at your house Xmas Eve, you know how kids like to get up early Xmas morning. That also keeps OM away Xmas Eve. And I'd check the movie listings for a great movie to take the kids to after dinner on Xmas. Family it up. Make this the best holiday ever so she would be devastated to even consider it being the last.<P>On the vacation thing, I'd hold out on that one a while. Spring is quite a ways away. I agree, it should be split. However, if she chooses not to take the kids on vacation, well you really can't do much about it (other than document it in case it's needed in the future).<P>You're right, she's been on vacation long enough. Luckily you're still in posession of your brain seeing as how she has misplaced hers.

Hi Rick,<P>It sounds like your W is getting a dose of reality after the 8 month vacation. Since she is still in her fog, the natural thing to do is place blame elsewhere for her new difficulties. Now life is more complex because it is not easy for you to be there to pick up the pieces (I too got blamed for choices my W made during her A). It is impossible to find even fragments of good reasoning while the fog engulfs a WS.<P>You sound like such a good plan A'er. I thought I was as too, but when things really came to a boil (with me...I was getting stepped on big time), I drew the line as I reached my limit. I told my W that I loved her, but that there was no room in our marriage for three. I told her that I was in pain, and thank you, I could not be a part of anything that included the OM...that I could not breath the same air. Somehow the message got through and she stopped requesting that I be a part of things that included him (social gatherings with other people mostly. I always remained firm in expressing my love for her and my committment to the marriage, but I was just a firm about my low tolerance of the A.<P>I think you are not out of line to refuse to have Christmas at her place. It is also not your place to be instant daycare or babysit when she wants freedom. She is not free. She has children to care for, a place to take care of and an A to manage and maintain (sounds like a lot like the work that a marriage takes). <P>After making her choice to move, she still wants it her way. Is she allowed to talk to the kids while at your place? Her taker is still at full tilt.<P>Rick, maybe you are trying too hard to keep everything running smoothly. Give yourself a break and do something good for you. Let her find her own equalibrium in the life she has chosen. You don't have to LB to do it, just go quietly, politely and firmly. <P>Take a slice of life for yourself and make it a treat. You deserve it!! It will be a nice breather, and might give your W cause for pause if you are not there for her whims.<P>Hang on....<P>Bob

Hi Rick - don't really know what to add. Once again we're in similar situations. On the vacation thing, legal separations are where some of these nasty details get decided. Maybe it's time to think about one. On the other hand, I don't think any of these WSs can really plan ahead beyond their next encounter with OP. <P>It is not reasonable for you to not be able to talk to your kids at her house. My legal separation specifies unlimited and unfettered phone access by the other spouse whenever our son is with one spouse.<P>Last year together for Christmas? A statement right out of the fog. Don't awfulize over this crap! Now I'm getting mad!<P>WAT

Rick...<P>During our "Case Management Conference"... my W too said she wants me to not phone the kids <B>ever</B> while they are with her...<P>My attorney and her attorney looked at each other in disbelief...<BR>...almost like they were going to break out in laughter at the ridiculousness of her request.<P>Get to call them at least once a day...<BR>...ideally, like WAT, unfettered access!!!<P>Spring vacation...<BR>...again sounds like my W... she took them for 7 days this summer (instead of her allowed 14)<BR>...all the while complaining I took them places during the summer.<BR>...<B>you can't force her to show love to your kids</B>... it's got to come from her heart.<P>While <B>PamO</B>'s ideas were very entertaining...<BR>...I too hold that you not recognize "her house" as the home for the holidays... yet!<BR>...it is her task to come back...<BR>...and she may need to <I>practice</I> coming back... so when the fog clears... she knows where to come back to!!!<P> <P>Jim

Rick,<BR>It probably won't get any better. <BR>Last Christmas my x came over in the morning and just laid around. This was after we already had the divorce date. Then she was mad at me for not being conversational.<P>I'm not sure if I agree with the others or not in regards to the holiday at her place. To me it sounds like you will be divorced and so you and your kids may as well get used to it. I know it is very hard to accept. I fought like crazy to keep om away from my kids and almost drove myself crazy.<P>Maybe a dose of reality for your w and om in terms of the kids being around will be beneficial.<P>My x used to just go, and still does for that matter, whenever she wants and doesn't even think of the kids. She used to go away on her weekends to watch the kids. This time she actually took some time off.<P>I guess eventually I will have to leave the kids at her place when I go out of town and let her and om take care of them. I'm not crcazy about that, but I don't have many choices unless I hire someone. She never has to hire someone, she has me.

Boy can I relateto the unfairness of having to be without your kids when you have tried and are trying so hard to make things work at great personal cost to yourself!!! After Plan Aing for more than a year, I have gone to something inbetween to save my sanity since H moved out right before Thanksgiving. I don't LB, but I'm not really trying to meet his ENs either. <P> H, who is a great father, managed to see our kids more in the week since he moved out than in any other week this year, with the exception of vacations. Even so, he was still acting like I was aweful when I firmly suggested that this would be my weekend with the kids. I am trying not to LB, but I am also trying to have the realities of separation set in. I think that my taking care of his needs so well during the last month of his changing his mind so many times has made it easier for him to leave!<P>I can tell you it has been very hard this last week to try and set some boundaries around me and the kids without LBing. I have had some success explaining to him that I need to survive this and that means we can't continue to play happy family and do everything together because when he leaves again for his place each time, I am crushed to smithereens all over again. It may be guilt that makes him accept that, but it is big time true!<P>You really do need to take care of yourself, especially during this crazy, stressful time of year. Also, I don't think you can Plan A when you think it will hurt the kids. Hang in there!

Thanks for the insight and advice. She is in this mode where her thoughts and opinions change quickly, predictably unpredictable. OM goes away for at least a few days at Xmas to be with parents, so I don't have to worry about him being there then. That will probably drive her crazy.<P>I don't have much choice but to spend part of Xmas at her house. The way we have custody setup, she would have them over Xmas, but there is no way they are just staying with her, so the plan was that she, the kids, and her Mom (her and I are close) sleep here Xmas eve. Wife wanted me to come in the morning to her place if I wanted dinner at my house. Not agreeing to at least dinner at her house would be a big LB and mess things up, so not much choice but to give in to that one.<P>Thanks again.<P>