How many of you have a WS who may be acting under the influence of a Mid-Life Crisis (MLC)? I read recently that MLCs are potent and often occur in the 30-45 age range. <P>MLC is when the S sees themself at the mid-point in their life and often make radical changes... affairs, changing hair/clothes styles, changing cars, dissatisfaction with current status quo and/or life accomplishments, etc.<P>I suspect my 33 year old WS is having a MLC A with an OM 7 years younger.<P>Also, can you enlighten me as to the characteristics, length, etc. of a MLC? Any special advice on dealing with them?<P>Thankx<P>Survivin<p>[This message has been edited by Survivin (edited December 03, 2000).]

Survivin,<P>Yes... my W is in one bad...<P>Do check out the section <B>MidLife Crisis </B> in my post <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_OUS.html" TARGET=_blank>Other Useful Sites</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Count my WS as in MLC but he is in his mid 40's & really doesn't care for the aging process, the OW is younger<P>He doesn't think he is in MLC, to think he use to think that men who are acting like he does were idiots. There is nothing like an old fool.

Hi Survivin:<P>MLC? Well, I guess you could call it that, but I would more likely call my WS's behavior as an adaptation to dealing with the crisis of his life. Everyone reaches a point in their live when they can ask themselves "What's it all been about?". These periods usually coincide with times of stress in our lifes or our jobs...and the solution for reliving that stress for some people is to divert themselves or try to relive times in our lives that they felt were more stress free.<P>Whenever my WS's has been confronted with life crisis (difficulty in school, death of parents, failure in business) he has attempted to relieve this stress with brief affairs with OW. I assume the feelings generated from basking in the glow of this extreme admiration restored his self-confidence (for a while). The last was a health crisis and he eventually ended up moving out and living with OW for some time and then returning home when his health failed him entirely. By that time he was in full-blown MLC and rejecting all elements of his former life and praising the virtues of his new life. He has basically been in this mode for the last 5 years (on and off relationship with OW). Now relationship with OW is possibly over and he has decided he wants to pursue single life. <P>They say a MLC can last for 5 years or more...well, I can attest to that...it's still ongoing and showing no signs of ending.<BR>I would say through that MLC usually involves more then just OP but is more a rejection of the former life and a seeking to totally change the whole lifestyle...as if the lifestyle were the cause of all the problems...but it won't work because the problems is not the lifestyle...the problem is themselves...and until they realize this...nothing you can do will have much effect on them....you just have to wait it out...let them learn for themselves...if they are capable of learning.<P>I wish everyday that my WS's problem was just OW...I could handle that...but I can't change my views on what is important in life to go along with the way he has changed. I do feel that he has always been the type of person who will rationalize to himself that what he is doing is right...because he wants it to be...in other words...it feels good...so it must be right. To him all he has done in the past has been of no consequence...no one will care five minutes after he dies...so why not enjoy himself...<BR>"The moral imperative" backlash I suppose.<BR>It's his credo now. I finally realized I just had to concentrate on myself and realize that he might never again be the man I knew for so long. I hope I'm wrong.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye <P><BR> <BR>

Survivin - I did a lot of research a few months back on MLCs, thinking this is what my wife was going through. Check out the site mentioned by NSR. I even bought a book about Female MLCs, but it wasn't very helpful to diagnose what my wife was doing. It does appear that MLCs are more prevalent in males. In the end I concluded that my wife's behavior and affair was a result of a life crisis - the loss of our 8 1/2 year old son in 8/99 after a 5 1/2 year struggle with cancer. Not exactly the same as a MLC, but similar result.<P>WAT

I believe my H is having a MLC, altho this is his second MLC ... (can ppl have more than one?). His first one was at age 35 (his mom passed away and they were extremely close).<P>In this MLC he started going to school to get his degree and is changing his career all together (was a Musician for 30 years, now works for the City). And he has started participating in his OCs lives. First time ever experiencing being a father.<P>These two things are MAJOR triggers that I believe propelled him into the MLC.<P>Jo<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 04, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 04, 2000).]

Big time MLC for my H!!!! He was 35, OW was 22. We had just built a house, he was very successful but work was VERY stressful. I had recently suffered a miscarriage of a baby we were very excited about. It was like he snapped. Suddenly he wanted to be a teenager again. He said "I wish I was back in college, with no responsibilities" OW became his drinking partner. He usually hates bars, suddenly he couldn't get enough. He started smoking pot, passing out in his car, listening to progressive music (OW's music). He has always been a classic rock guy to the core. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing he was probably looking like a complete fool hanging out in college bars with a bunch of 21 year olds. Often depression is part of this pattern too. It was with my H although it took him a long time to admit it. For him the whole thing lasted probably about 9 months. that's counting afew months of downward spiral, 6 months of affair and the lifting of the fog.

One theory is that MLC is just a different name for depression that happens to occur at midlife. <P>There was a NY Times article in which a psychiatrist from McLean Hospital in Massachusetts was quoted as saying that when men suddenly leave a long term marriage, it is almost invariably depression. I suspect it is the same for women.

Nellie1 and others - I can attest that my wife was depressed and was being treated with anti-deps prior to her affair. She is still depressed from the death of our son and I fear that when the fog lifts, it'll be a double whammy.<P>WAT

H appears to have been in MLC for at least a couple years. Changed jobs, developed an EA with co worker and distanced himself from our marriage. This lasted 2yrs until DD. <P>More recently he has left that job and EA for a less stress job and is now more like his normal self. <P>He doesn't want to talk about the EA, but has slowly given a few more facts about it. H always rationalized his actions were toward a "work relationship" not personal. It just appeared that way to myself (upon discovery) and a couple other people.<P>I have not discussed MLC with H other than to mention that he is normal, just a late bloomer. We have been married 40 yrs and this is the first incidence to occur. <P>I feel we are well on our way to recovery, with only myself dragging along, afraid to trust again. <BR>L<BR>

My husband is also in MLC.<P>Affairs are a pretty common feature of MLC. They don't have to be with someone who is younger just with someone whi is diffent and can offer them the excitement they think they are missing out on. <P>They occur most often in the 35 - 45 year age group. They typically have a workaholic life style. Thinking they are showing the family how much they care by providing material wealth rather than emotional.<BR>There is often a trigger. Death in the family, the arrival of a new baby, teenage children leaving home.<P>My H fits the pattern almost perfectly. He saw his children growing up 'girls don't need him any more' Eldest got boyfriend, more reality about getting older. Mother becoming increasingly frail. 'I don't want to end up like that'. Apparently I was boring and he hadn't slept with enough woman yet. There is no getting inside their world -it is something that they have to do on their own.<P>Think of it as an illness. The OP is the drug and all they are doing is self-medicating. But the illness won't last for ever. One day, most come out of it and will <BR>not need the drugs anymore. Sadly, many leave their marriages convinced they can't be happy without the OP, only to find they are no happier than before because they failed to deal with the real issues. <P>Just my thoughts.<P>As to length of MLC, 21/2 to 5 years is the length of time I have heard most often quoted. But remember it doesn't begin the day they leave to live with OP. There are usually signs long before that. My H is living with OW for about 9 months nowbut the crisis probably dates from about summer 98. <P>Recently said he thought he might be having a MLC so maybe the fog is lifting and there is light at the end of the tunnel. <P>Be aware though that just when you think they are going to come back out into the light, they sometime retreat back into the fog because they are just not ready to take responsibilty for there actions. <P>Depression goes hand in hand with MLC. Seeing signs of it in my spouse. <P>Hope<BR>