I am new. My husband of 18 wonderful years is having an affair with a coworker. We are going to counseling, and she diagnosed him right away with clinical depression. He moved out before we started counseling. He hasn't been able to make any decisions. He maintains that the affair didn't start until after he moved out. That's beside the fact. He claims he loves me, is afraid of making a mistake one way or the other.<BR> We got married very young. But just a few months before all this happened we were as happy as ever. We have always been so happy to find one another, and didn't have to look forever to find our perfect mate. So now he's claiming he didn't get to have time to live it up.<BR> With God's help I have been able to survive. I have been able to survive the last 10 weeks doing plan A even though he's not here. He calls every day wanting to see if I'm okay. And yet he wants her too. He has lied to me several times in the last week and before we were ALWAYS honest with one another. He wants to buy a house next door to her. So that he can "clear" his head. The counselor says that the depression has alot to do with him being not being able to make a clear cut decision. <BR> My question is this. Do I keep going on with plan A? Plan B would be so hard with our two teenage boys. I can't stay in this perpetual state of limbo forever. Do I wait for the anti-depressants to help? Any advise from those that have lived this?

Dear DW,<P>I am very sorry that you have to join our 'club' but this site has wonderful and intelligent and caring souls who would give their support to help you keep your sanity through what must surely be the ultimate risk and betrayal in a marriage.<P>Counselling is a necessity and it would help to coach both of you to better mental health to deal with the situation. You will need to address the issues of trust, communications, love, sexual intimacy and frequency, acceptabel boundaries of behaviour and any other issues you bith might have.<P>I am heartened to read that you have leant on God through this tough period. I find that getting the church pastor and elder involved was very necessary in my situation because WS needed to be closer to God and he admitted that he couldn't flee temptation and sin because he wasn't close to God. Please commit your H and marriage to God and pray for God's will to be done in your and your H's lives. Pray aslo for hedges of protection around your H and marriage so that no lover except you can get to him and vice versa. God can heal you and make you whole again and you need to pray and fast.<P>Besides you can pray for support and godly men and women to come by as you seek support to hel you and your H. Your H is being unrealistic and selfish in wanting the OW next door. He is still in a fog and talking out of a fog. Please pray for the OP to be banished. My pastor prayed that God deals the OP swift justice for wanting to destroy our marriage.<P>The others in MB would advice on Plan A and I think that you would feel that this is a better idea than Plan B. Please discuss what your needs and expectations are and fundamentally how you both want the marriage to work. If the OP is a Christian, you can get a pastor to talk to her - but get a female pastor or female elder to talk to her.<P>Your WS needs to understand that he needs to seek God and your forgiveness as well as repent and bear fruits of repentance. <P>I hope you gather strength for the journey as it will be quite tough if your H is also in depression.<P>God help you<BR>take care<BR>weep

The other person is not a christian. My H was brought up in a very loving home. Went to church, attended Christian school. I'm still a bit foggy about plan A if he is constantly with the other woman. I have told him that it hurts too much to talk to him. Even though through all this we still are able to talk very easily. Any clarifications to the ituation with him being with her? TR

I am sorry about your situation. I would suggest Plan A for now, because the general suggestion is 6 months or more if you can do it, or until your love bank is so low that you are in danger of losing all love for your spouse. He is calling every day to see if you are OK. He obviously still cares alot. I'd say he is in the classic fog, perhaps with depression mixed in. He doesn't know what he wants now. I think the better your Plan A, the more likely that he comes to his senses and back to you.<P>Needing to live it up is a common statement, but this is all likely the effect of not having ENs met. Have you taken a good look at what might have been missing. I know it is hard when apart anyway....my wife is gone too.<P>Hang in there and do your best on Plan A. Act strong and confident, and do whatever you can to make yourself better. That is what we all strive for in Plan A.<P>Take care.<P>

Thanks for all the help. I will hang on to plan A. It is only by God's grace I am able to do any of this at all!<BR> He has a very low self esteem and can't voice his opinion readily. He says that his opinion doesn't matter to me. We have always discussed everything and he has never pushed anything on me. But I am totally willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage to work. <BR> He was adopted as a baby and says in counseling that he has no problem with that but he does have a problem being alone. He says that his father would shoot down any opinion he had growing up, but he's working on that in counseling. <BR> So, the way to go is no matter what plan A huh? He is foggy because of the depression or the affair?<BR> Thanks for all the help! TR <BR> <P> Also, I get most of the initials- H=husband etc. but there are many I don't know. How do you locate a key as a reference? Sorry to ask something so elementary but I am new.

deputywife,<P>NSR (Jim) has a web page explaining acronyms. I've not done this before, but I'll try to put the link here: <BR> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_ASU.html" TARGET=_blank>http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_ASU.html</A> <P>If I finally get this to work, you should be able to click on the link to go there.<P>Good luck.<P><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited December 05, 2000).]

Thank-you so much.<BR> TR

Back again. Just read post to survivin about hybrid A/B. <BR> I have had the book SAA for 5 days and realized I have been doing plan A for the last 5 months. He has responded to it. But could it be because he pitys me? <BR>

deputywife,<P>Just a few thoughts FWIW (for what it's worth).<P>Quote:<BR>"I have had the book SAA for 5 days and realized I have been doing plan A for the last 5 months. He has responded to it. But could it be because he pitys me?"<P>A WS will try to get some ENs met thru their spouse and others thru the OP. You are probably now meeting more of his ENs, which is good. Most of what I have read from Harley books like SAA seems to address a spouse doing Plan A with their WS living with them, but seeing an OP.<P>The idea is to meet as many ENs as possible, and, if the time comes to cut off contact and Plan B, to leave the WS with the memory that you really care for them. Then, in Plan B, the WS has to try to get all their ENs met thru the OP, which usually does not work. Then, when the fantasy relationship with the OP cracks under the stress of trying to meet all the WSs ENs, the WS has good memories of the care shown by the BS.<P>Your situation is a little different since he has already separated. The principle of Plan A for a time, but ending when you can no longer be upbeat and maintain love and care for him would still seem to apply, though.<P>You might consider a phone counseling session with a Harley--I haven't tried it, but a lot of people here seem to recommend it.<P>I hope you can now decipher my acronyms with the link from my previous post.<P>Good luck.<BR>

Welcome <B>deputywife</B>...<P>...sorry for being so late...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You've received some great advice...<BR>...Stick to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> route.<P>Also check out my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim