I've posted a few times in the last couple of days and have done a lot of reading at the site. Right now I'm at the point of our problems where I'm letting my spouse attempt to cut off all ties in her affair. Perhaps this may sound greedy but when can I expect to be given some emotional support from her. I really feel abused since I discovered her affairs. I have stood by and held her and told her I loved her and tried to be as supportive as I can. I have held my children together and tried to be there for them since she left. I saw her this past weekend and told her I desperately needed a hug. She coldly told me she couldn't do this since she still didn't feel anything... From those who have been there how long can this last. Keep in mind this all really started about 5 months ago when she started her affair and turned cold to me. I keep holding on but feel as if I'll never see kindness and love again. I feel as though my love bank is about run out... She has shown some remorse for hurting me but still can't express any signs of love.. I'm sorry if my posts ramble but in the fog I'm in I bounce alot... Any thoughts are appreciated.

I think we're dealing with the most primitive part of the WS brain when they run off and have an affair. Think about ancient peoples trying to propagate and survive. Something triggers the mate to break away from a perceived weak, unhealthy or undesirable partner in order to find a "better" mate and improve chances for survival. <P>What triggers them? Might be too many LBs or too many unmet needs making for a bad environment (which harms the relationship and reduces vigorous, frequent lovemaking, hence less offspring). Might be a mid-life crisis telling them time to procreate is running out. Who knows.<P>My suggestion? <P>Be strong. Be confident. Be the Big Dog of the tribe. Stop chasing her. Improve your fitness, your education, your demeanor, your confidence, etc.. Awaken the primitive part in her that will discover you are a desirable partner, someone to be pursued! <P>Just my strange thoughts on this Monday evening...........<P>Survivin

Dear Crick,<P>I know how you feel. My H first told me of problems 1 year ago by saying he wasn't attracted to me anymore and didn't want to have sex, but still loved me! Seven months later he finally admitted their was another woman. In a strange way it made me feel better about myself because I realized that the problem wasn't that I wasn't desireable anymore -- the problem was his infatuation for OW and guilt.<P>I think Surviving an Affair realistically describes how feelings of desire and affection can be resurrected. BUT there is almost no chance that they can be resurrected unless your W gives up the OM and has no contact. Then after the withdrawal period (3-6 weeks on average), you can start to work on meeting each other's ENs. It sounds like a slow process, but my guess is that you could find patience if there was any progress, no matter how slow or small, being made.<P>If you haven't read the book, that could be a good starting point for you.

Exhausted,<P> Thanks for your reply... Sometimes knowing someone understands is help in itself. My biggest problem with the OM is they both work at the same place as her. For her to break it off means getting another job which she is finally in a job she loves... One part I haven't had any success with is during a fight with her OM she decided to find comfort with another man at work. She says it didn't mean anything but he still represents a threat to me. Now I have two at the same place to deal with(Actually she shared her innermost problems with a third man at work and he has offered to leave his wife for her too). Thus it makes it even trickier than just one OM...I really don't think at this point she is willing to give that up for me the way she feels. I have asked her to cut off talking with them so we have a chance. I just don't know if for me that will in itself be enough. I know they're there and I know they'll attempt to get her to return. If only it hadn't happened at work I think the road to recovery would be easier. She has expressed a desire to make it work but she struggles with it. I have identified some of the EN's I wasn't filling and have changed them. I realize now neither of us was much into meeting the others EN's... Seems to make some progress with my efforts but I guess only time will tell if it can bring us all the way back. One of the hardest struggles I'm facing is feeling unselfish. I want my En's met but know in order for that to happen I have to unselfishly meet hers so that maybe one day mine can be met... Guess that's what is meant by fighting the taker....

Dear Crick,<P>Ditto on the job situation. My H has a great job that he has had for 15 years. The OW was his secretary for 14 of those years --just waiting in the wings to jump in when I stopped meeting his ENs real well. He couldn't really find the same caliber of job in the city we live in.<P>My H has been in and out of the fog a lot the last month. When he is out of the fog, he has talked about all of us moving to another city to make no contact with the OW work. <P>If your W comes out of the fog, she may consider changing jobs. If she comes out of the fog long enough to read SAA or become familiar with the MB principles, she'll probably understand that she can't continue to work there and save her marriage.

Crick - It is hard to imagine that you<BR>could ever have a stable marriage until<BR>your wife finds new employment. She has had<BR>sex with two different men at work and a<BR>third man offers to leave his marriage for<BR>her? Let us be realistic. What an unhealthy<BR>environment to have a sound marriage. The<BR>chances for a successful marriage is highly<BR>ulikely unless she leaves her job. I am afraid that she may not be the only one in a fog.<BR>Good Luck.