Wow -- Strategy with my wife (deep in a MLC, moved out to live near the 7-yrs younger OM) seems to be working -- so far!<P>Phase I: Plan A.<BR>However, Plan A was ineffective because she is deeeep in the fog of "love". My flowers/cards/poems/gestures went unnoticed. When the calls to the OM wouldn't stop after 45 days, I facilitated her getting her own place and got her out of my space. Her behavior was disrespectful and was making me ill. I took the checkbook and canceled all the joint accounts/cards at that time.<P>My 45 days of Plan A whipped me into shape just enough so she could see what she was risking. Eliminated LBs, improved attitude, lost 20 pounds, increased fitness, found new interests, new wardrobe, new somewhat sportier car.<P>Dangerous maneuver - Just before she moved out, I set up a phone recorder. You guessed it, the love birds were gushing "I love you" and "You looked good OUT of that pink dress". Yeaaacchh! I lower the boom on the WS with the proof this is not just a friendship as claimed. WS tells OM about the recording. OM is shaken and calls me, says they let their friendship go to far and he was backing off a few notches. Woo Hoo! Nothing like a little sunshine to burn away some fog!<P>Phase II: Hybrid Plan B<BR>Wife now out of the house. I detached as much as possible, quit calling, made myself more unavailable and mysterious. Upbeat and confident at all times. Out in the evenings (even if it is just to walk the mall).<P>Suddenly... she began calling me, asking what I would be doing... where I was going... could we have dinner on Sunday... could I come over tomorrow to see the D...<P>My experience suggests one course is to turn yourself back into the person they initially fell in love with - - then protect yourself and your finances - - and then play hard to get! Go out and look around a little, not to catch anything, but to browse. May make your WS notice and reactivate their interest!<P>More to come I'm sure.......<P>Survivin<P>

I totally agree that is what I have done. and it seems to be working.

Survivin,<P>It sounds like a great idea and one that appears to be working! One of the first books I read after suspecting an A was Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. This is pretty much the strategy that he recommends. He suggests that spouses stray when they lose respect for the other spouse. He says that when a spouse wants out of a relationship, all the guilt, crying and begging just make the WS even more anxious to escape the trap. So he suggests that the way to win them back is to "set them free" -- draw back, regain your self respect, appear strong (even when you are dying inside) and be somewhat elusive. He makes the point that you can't fall back in love with someone you only pity.<P>Dobson also suggests bringing things to a crisis point and making the spouse decide. I think it is consistent with the hybrid PlanA/B we have all been posting about lately. Draw back, take care of ourself, be respectful, but not try to meet their needs at all costs.<P>Your encouraging message is giving me the courage to start planning my new hybrid approach. Thanks.

THANKS ---- I will definitely buy the Dobson book.<P>