H and I have been having it really rough. He is crashing to his lowest level before anihalation. His childhood demons are worse than we thought, and he has turned into, or come out from hiding, this scared little boy who is affraid of EVERYTHING!!!<P>We have not been able to talk even about every day stuff without stress so deep you could cut it with a knife. I have been told by our therapist that I have been placed in the angry mommy role. He sees me as this and cannot open up to me. What i want to know is how did we ever fall in love in the first place if he could not talk about feelings. It is preposterous.<P>I REALLY want my marriage back on track. the OW still in the picture and he has no intention of letting her go. On the other hand he doesn't leave home either. <P>We were to talk about feelings today with our therapist as mediator. He talked about being sad that he could not talk to her this weekend. He had told me that he would not call her on the weekends out of respect to family time. Yea right. What is his definition of lying?<P>Is is when he intentionally, blatantly breaks his word and bears up for the anger I deliver? Or is it when the promise suits him only. He does not want to move out now, so he does not plan to see her physically right now(easy, she is still in NY) but not calling on the weekends? No, that is too much of a temptation. He leaves the house all the time. <P>Actually, we have gotten in a routine to seperate for MANY hours during each weekend day. He cannot deal, and I cannot stand to see him waste his day watching golf when he should be deciding whether he wants his family or not. Or this NY Bimbette who is 7 years older than me! <P>What is the draw? I would say the level of devotion I have shown since dday should rule out the question as to my feelings. I am hurting today. We never talk about anything and then today I get the message that he is still fully infatuated with the Bimbette and still has no feelings for me. "The passion is just not there." he says. <P>He doesn't deserve me. Dang his miserable hide for doing this to us. He is the weakest coward I have ever met and I don't know him any more. Do I really want him? I don't know. Things are changing again... He might be losing me... I do not feel good or wanted today, or desirable as a woman. I hate that such few words can devestate my self esteem that I have worked so hard to find in the last 4 months. This feeling is temporary, but I have been crying since therapy. Here I go again....I'm tired...<BR>

Dear BurnedSpouse,<P>I think plan A is recommended for a max of 6 months or when the love bank is dried up and you are on the verge of losing all the love for your spouse. Plan A would be effective in making you the stronger person than you were and in allowing your WS to know that you are the same loving and desirable person he first fell in love with. I am not a Plan A expert but I know one will come along to give testimony to how Plan A and Plan B works in the BS favour and for the betterment of the marriage.<P>I feel that your H is still in the fog and in MLC and not having come to terms with his past and loving himself would mean that he cannot love another person totally. Hence, he is not even committed to the NY slug or to his wife. He is stuck in noman's land and is basically wasting time and whiling away till...? In order for him to get a grip on himself he needs to deal with issues face on and resolve to become better through counselling and meds(?).<P>It is obvious that your recovery has been in the same roller coaster mode that your H's moods take him because you are so tied to him. Maybe you can detach a little (meds?) and focus on your own life and that of your children. It would take a while for your H to fully recover and become an active and committed H again. It is very damaging to your self esteem to live with someone so undecided and I hope you understand that you are a valuable person that just got saddled with a weak man at this time. Do not wallow too much in a lack of self esteem even though the spirit of rejection is in you. Please be strong for there are others who think you are the bee's knees and you need not measure your self worth against a man in MLC and a thick fog. I know it is darn hard to do but you need to do something to get out of this mode because it will become a permanent pattern if this continues. <P>You can write a journal, take up a new activity, act happy, and basically think what your parents' will feel if they saw their little girl grow up into such an unhappy and defeated woman. Please arise from the ashes and take responsibility for your own life even if your H is too lost to do so. There is still living to be done.<P>I believe in the healing power of prayers and I trust that God can change even the most hardened hearts and miracles happen when we pray that God's will be done in our lives. <P>Please seek support and come here often to get support through a very tough patch.<P>God help you<BR>take care<BR>weep

Thanks weep-<P>I know that this is just a bad patch. I pray all the time. This is the first holiday in 17 years that my H and I have not been in love. It is so hard to deal with. I do go up and down, and it always passes. I paray very hard for my peace and light for his darkness. <P>Thanks for being the one who answered my tortured pleas... I so rarely post my own probs, they mirror or pale to so many other's lives. But I am conforted by your words and am reminded to look to the Lord and give him my burdens to make them light. Thanks for the reminder...

Hey Beth,<P>I know you have a busy weekend, but I wanted to let you know I read your post and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during this time. <P>You had a set back, for sure. I want you to look at this a little differently if you can, now that a little time has passed.<P>Your husband is giving you a gift...honesty. It is amazing to me, that through all of his fog, he can still be honest with you about his feelings. Reward that if you can. Maybe it's down farther on your EN than it is mine, but I'll take the truth over lies any time. Yeah, I know, I really do, how devestating this is. But I do think he is trying, in his own funny way. He is in therapy, he is there with you and the kids, he has not laid his hands on Ms. NY for quite a while now (YESSSSS!). From someone who has watched your story from a bit of a distance I do think that you are winning the small battles here.<P>It sounds tense there in your home. He is at the lowest part of this now. He is seeing that this is all his fault and has no idea how to fix himself. His childhool crap is surely a huge factor here. But Beth, you are his best freind, not her. Do you really think he tells her about what he's learning about himself. No, he wants her to see him as a complete man, and he's not...you know that. He needs you now...she is nothing but a distraction. Someone who makes him feel good for a moment or two.<P>Hope you sang your head off today at your concert...decorated your tree with your wonderful family...and realized that you are the only one there capable of fixing your family. Don't ever belittle your problems here. You are going through the worst kind of hell on earth, but you are doing so with your head held high and your self esteem in tact. Keep it up girl.<P>See ya soon.<P>allison

Thanks Allison, just went back far enough to see your respose tonite. Sorry! I will call you for lunch.