Hello I am new to this site, I found out of desperation for help and to see if I was "normal" or just crazy. Thank you, my feelings of being betrayed by my H of 19 years are real. I appreciate this site and it has been of MUCH relief. This is my 1st post. <P> D-DAY March 18th. The OW got to decide the fate of our marriage which had a date of May 5th. I was crazy not to leave, but I hung in there. She decided to stay with her live-in of 10 years. H made no sense during this period. He said the usual, were just friends, we just talk business, ( They really were in a business deal) we only kissed a couple of times, it is not sexual, blah-blah-blah. During this period I listened to all of his putdowns, cried, did not eat much, asked him to stop, asked him to choose me. The A had been ongoing for a few months before D-Day. <BR> <BR> Well she decided to stay with hers. I got to keep mine. (lucky me) He has since been in contact with her (she lives out of state) H travels for a living. She is V.P. of a small company. He has secertly gone to see ow but I caught him using his cell bills. H claims it is only business, which it could be but I think I finally got it through to him that it was not Ok.<P> I have been having a very difficult time getting real answers from him. He doesn't remember. The other night I told him he needed to answer my questions or I was not going to get better. He finally agreed. I asked for honesty, and I asked how many times<BR>they really hugging and kissing. With great difficulty on H part He admitted to many, they made out in his vehicle, hers, and her place of employment, BUT they did not go all the way. She would not allow it, thats why. Isn't that the same thing as going all the way. He sure did try. I am sick and heartbroken. I was really surprised at the level it went to??I am sure gullible.<BR>HELP!! THANK YOU SO MUCH. I feel like slapping this man and leaving.I feel like giving ow a call and blowing the whistle on her. Her live-in does not know or she would loose her Job. He is the President of the company.<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Dear Deb,<P>Welcome! You are not crazy! I think almost all of us go through that phase where we just can't believe our spouse would do that and we want so desperately to believe them. In fact, I've figured out why the spouse is "always the last to know." Because we love them more than anyone else in the world and we believe in their goodness and honesty. <P>All your feelings are very legitimate. But, don't in the heat of the moment do something you may regret. Vent to a trusted friend or counselor and vent here. If you haven't yet read Surviving an Affair (SAA), read it now and have your spouse read it if he will. The book lays out a very realistic plan for dealing with affairs. <P>The first and most important thing would be for your H to cut off all contact with the OW. Then after the period of withdrawal he would go through, you could start to rebuild your marriage. There are obviously a lot of books out there on this subject, but I thought SAA was the most realistic in laying out a plan for rebuilding a relationship that has been damaged in this way and how you start when both of you may not have the feeling of being in love anymore.<P>Hang in there! Keep posting.