I've posted lately that my wife abrubtly changed her attitude after a confrontation about having our son around the OM. I was laying low and waiting for her to initiate contact. Several opportunities went by with no discussion about anything. Over the weekend, I put up all the Christmas decorations to hopefully engage those emotions. When she brought our son home Sunday evening, she favorably commented on the decorations and was more sociable to me. This morning I got an e-mail from a mutual friend and I forwarded it to my wife - sorta a normal thing to do so that she knew I was willing to communicate with her. She wrote back a thankyou. I thought, now we're getting back to "normal"! She called me a few minutes later and discussed some presents for our son and was very pleasant with a lot of "we" and "us" in the conversation about Christmas. I was getting encouraged. Then she announced that she wants to take our son to a Christmas party on Sunday given by one of her Dr. friends. Because of the upbeat nature of the conversation so far, I asked if I could go with them? Quite beligerantly, she said No! She just wants to go with our son - she said she doesn't want to go to any parties with me. "We're separated, remember?" She said, "This ought to be crystal clear to you by now!"<P>What the h***? A month ago we were spending a lot of time out together. There have been several things now recently where she's distancing herself further from me. Gave me back her cell phone and got her own, etc. She seems so confident of what she's doing and I'm left in a constant guessing game. She seems to have no feeling for me whatsoever. Advice?<P>WAT

WAT,<P>They've all subscribed to a special chapter a month book club, and they've each received the latest chapter in the mail. Look at our situations, they are unfolding the same way. Mine has already altered her previous view that we'd do alot of things together. I haven't felt the effects yet, but I can see it coming in her speech. A few weeks ago, when I said something that I can't even remember now, she snapped back "we are separated, and I'm gone...are you in denial?...don't you get it". Then the next day I get an I miss you. Makes no sense.<P>I don't have much time now, but we can't get hung up on this crap, because they are all irrational and operating under the fog. I read about your Catholic church stuff. I would not be surprised if that strikes me too.<P>Anyway, I have to go, but I think the phases we seem to be in are difficult. You start to think that if this is who my wife is, maybe I should move on. But you think that if this isn't who she is, then it is worth fighting. Going by the former WS, this isn't who they are, and we need to fight. I'm still in favor of hybrid plan. I'll be checking back soon.<P>One more thing...as SKM and other have said, they go through this phase where in order to justify affair, they had to write off the marriage. They might be in this now. Even though they might not have really written us off. And perhaps it isn't even going great with OM, who knows.

One thing about women - we can be as high as a kite one moment, and lower than a skunk the next - and we don't need an excuse to get from here to there!<P>It sounds to me like she's "testing" independence. But she knows that she still has a safety net because you are still there waiting in the wings.<P>Have you considered going into Plan B? Right now, it sounds like she is in control of the situation, and that is why she's so confident. You need to set some boundaries for both yourself and her, and having minimal contact might just be the way to do that.<P>You are a very strong and sane person - she is in a fog, she's the "sick" one right now. Try to step back, evaluate the situation, and figure out what YOUR options are. Best of luck!

worthatry<BR>sounds like she is deep in fog. I would say that she needs to know that if you are separated that she can't keep coming and going...I would agree that a decision must be made either she wants to work on your marriage or I would disconnect from her make her stand on her own with her own decisions. <P>My H is deep in fog...he moved far far away...and will call me to tell me he was thinking of me, promise to call "later" and then I won't hear from him for days.<P>Our marriage was a good one I thought before all of this...but now I am wondering how much more I can take it hardly seems we will ever feel close to one another again. And he makes no effort. sigh...I really wish we did have crystal ball. All this pain we go through, we need to know that there is hope for us outside of this pain...we just have to be strong enough to get there...with or without our spouses.<BR>take care

Dear WAT,<P>I've come to the conclusion that we are all driving ourselves insane trying to figure out our WSs. We are looking at the situation in a fairly rational manner and they are not. I think we all tend to think their coments and actions are part of a master plan because ours are. But they are not. They think and act on total impulse with probably no thought beyond maybe tomorrow. <P>Even knowing all this, however, it is next to impossible to stop trying to figure them out. If only we could do that in a totally analytical way without our emotions involved!! Stay sane.

Thanks, folks for the support. A reliable source says she's sad and unhappy - see my post to Rick about how dumb I am - and maybe is going thru a transition - see my post on Recovery. Something seems to be changing, so I'll lay real low for the time being.<P>Rick, I think for me it's time to prototype the Plan A/B hybrid. I'm going to stop all contact initiation and always present the "I'm continuing with my life" attitude when she contacts me or when we're together for my son. I'll always offer a listening ear and won't LB, but no more cake from me. She can come to us, or get out of the way.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I had an interesting day. From 8-9 was Nasty Hour, 2 for 1 growls. Then get a call later with general chit chat. Wondered if we could do things with the kids over Xmas, when we're both off. I said yes. She seemed taken back by the fact that I had to go because I'm at work. Mentions that if I move, she wants to put the kids into school by her house (move would be only if it is too expensive on my own in our relatively new house...but I have no intention of that). Comments like that make you think it is over. But two sentences later, is again talking about how if we work it out, would my family resent her. Told me she is lonely at night, and needs to find things to do. Last I checked, OM was periodically there, so it can't be that lonely, unless things have changed, but I doubt it.<P>This is too crazy. I must admit that when I see her number now, I sort of cringe, because I never know what scatterbrained thoughts are about to be handed to me. Pretty sad to feel that way.<P>Anyway, your wife being unhappy is good news. If they only knew we are happy to see them unhappy. Not that we don't care.<P>I'm in full agreement with the hybrid plan. I attempted to start today with a real upbeat tone in a call, and later I get a chatty call from mine. Probably coincidence, but interesting anyway. Maybe we should get Jim to sign off on the new plan.