I am having one heck of a time these days...I just noticed a couple of charges on my bank statement that didn't make any sense...so I called...they are for porn pictures...of course you would have to call to get the information so I did and I got it....<P>should I ask him about the charges? they aren't obvious so it is apparent that I called to get this information...<P>You know we have had many conversations about him and his porn on line...he denies it yet the computer doesn't lie and now neither does the bank statment....<BR>deep breath...<BR>remind me why we are enduring this pain over and over again?

YES!!!! You definitely need to confront him! My family and I are still recovering from an affair I had 2 years ago. I was finally honest with my wife about a year and a half ago. The problems I had with porn helped fuel my mind. I eventually acted those desires out with another woman. I can tell you that when you do confront him he will get mad. He'll turn it around and try to make YOU feel bad for snooping around. DON'T LET HIM! You are in the right! At least from my perspective, I wanted someone to catch me and I wanted to be held accountable. It might even mean that you'll have to leave but I would not stand for him using or purchasing porno. I'm sure they're others who don't think it's that big a deal but for me it was a BIG part of cycle that lead my family through the pit of hell. God Bless you and give you wisdom..

cpickel - I vote to confront him. You have to do something or you do nothing and it continues.<P>Why do we endure this pain over and over? Because we have hope and compassion.<P>WAT

I can totally feel for you. I was in the same place in Feb '00. Found something unusual on statement, called to check it out and that is how I found out. I confronted him about the charges in a calm way and he said he was relieved I knew and would keep clean from then on. But that isn't what happened. Instead he got sneaker and met someone else and that's how his affair started. He recently attended a sexual purity meeting held at our church and says it helped. The bottom line with sexual addictions is it is like any addiction there is a constant struggle to fight the desire and fullfill their selfish wants. He needs to admit to his problem and then avoid what triggers him. Like no late night tv, no internet or filter internet etc. Good luck. It took an affair and me moving out before he admitted to his problem. Sil

Thanks everyone...so now the other piece to this story is that he lives 3000 miles away. He moved for his job...I have no leverage and the confrontation will be over the phone, as when he left he said we were not separating, he would be home every weekend but now he hardly calls and has no intention of coming home for the holidays..he has been gone a month...<BR>do I still confront?

Bongo,<P>just a follow-up...I confronted my H years ago...he denied it...but the computer doesn't lie...he said he would stop. I told him if he was going to do this, then we needed to do it together... he said OK...and then still hides it...and now we don't even live together anymore...<BR>I feel so bad that for all these years he would rather look at that smut than be with me...and he has chosen them over me...

The reason your husband didn't change when you said you'd do porno together is that it's not the porno he's addicted to it's the "secrecy." It's seeing if he can do something really dirty and get away with it. Bringing it out into the open is just no fun. It's the lying and hiding that gets him off. Let's just say he's addicted to the dark and wants no part of the light. I know because I've been there and still struggle with this myself. This is just my opinion but I think he needs help. I think it's time YOU do whatever you have to do to make yourself whole. I found that thru faith, group therapy, and meditation. I still would confront him and I would take steps to make sure that I was not helping support his darkness. The more light you immerse yourself in the better for you and him if things ever do work out. I realize now that it's a day to day struggle with what I want vs. what God wants. I have to choose everyday to walk in the light and not the darkness. Only your husband can choose which path he will ultimately walk. I just really sense that YOU must take charge and move to the healthy-safe place for yourself. Hope this helps.....

cpickle,<BR>My husband was also living in another city for work at the time of discovery but our relationship was not in question at that time. It was the first I knew of it.<BR>I think it is still a good idea to maybe ask in a nice way. He should be honost about it and he hasn't been. He is paying for this smut with money that you and he share as a married couple. It is your business. Don't think that it isn't, if you are still married, then you have a right to know. I am not sure if it would be a big LB to ask or not. Sil

Thanks Bongo and Sil<BR>I am moving on...apparently my husband is sicker than I thought and no amount of my love or belief in him and the good person I think he can be matters. <P>CP<P>

I'd just add. You don't have to give up. I'm really thankful my wife and my Lord didn't give up on me. You need to pray that God will help him and make your family whole but you just need to make it plain that his behavior will not be tolerated. My wife told me that she loved me and that we could continue our relationship under certain conditions. Then it was up to me to choose. Don't give up hope. I truly believe things can change. Hang in there.

Here’s an idea: show him this article and then discuss it with him gently.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html</A> <P>As a man who has had similar problems, I can maybe give you some insight as to what is going on. I think the primary issue is one of self-respect, although reasons for the behavior were, in my case, much more complicated. One thing for sure: ADDRESS THIS ISSUE NOW!!, or it can destroy you marriage. I know, it is threatening to destroy mine.<P>He probably thinks his addiction is harmless, as I did. I thought it didn’t harm my wife at all, but I was wrong. Also, look at how you treat him. In my case, my W’s frustrations lead to anger on her part, which tended to drive me farther away. Vicious cycle. How does it all start? Who knows. All I know is that his actions and your response can lead to destruction of your marriage.<BR>