Last night I told the OM that we should take a "break". Told him I was feeling more involved and attached then I thought he might be feeling and that I could not be hurt again after what I've already been thru.<P>He assumed I meant a short term break and said when he returned from a business trip next week things with us would resume, I clarified myself and said "no, no contact and for a month or very possibly more, could be indefinitley". He said I was freaking out, then asked what about talking on the phone, I told him no ... then he reluctantly said okay, I understand.<P>I don't know if I'm not suppose to post this thread on this board ... I really need support but feel ashamed to ask for it. <P>Did I do the right thing???? This man does not feel the same as I feel for him, I'm sure. I guess I was so needy and vunerable that I allowed myself to care for someone who is only wanting companionship and sex.<P>I feel like an idiot ... I did this with my eyes wide open, yet did it regardless. And I hurt pretty bad.<P>Did I do the right thing???<P><BR>p.s. CJack ... you might want to take notes ... I would hate for you to hurt again too.<P><BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 04, 2001).]

Jo, don't beat yourself up.<P>You have the wisdom to recognize what many of us have tried to share with other hurting BS; that you are playing with fire.<P>Men can mostly compartmentalize so well anyway. I think you what you did was both very wise and courageous. Protect your heart, it's the only one ya got.

Jo,<P>Your eyes can be wide open, but they don't see far in a heavy fog. You did the right thing for yourself and everyone else involved at this point. As you said your vulnerability really did blind you to many things.<P>Your doing well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

In my opinion, you did the right thing Jo.<P>

Jo, if you know that you were in deeper than he is, it's better that you feel a little pain now than a lot later on.

Hi Jo:<P>I know you're hurting but in time I think you'll see that this was not really "love" you felt for this OM. It was comforting...but you can see now that you are not ready for another relationship...you are still hurting and need healing. I know you know this in your head...but your heart tells you you're lonely and yearns for someone to fill that need. Wiser hearts then ours have experienced this and we need to learn from their experience.<P>I don't know what you substitute for that yearning but I know that it can't be filled by just anyone. I pray that you and I and all the other troubled hearts here on MB can someday find the special person who deserves to fill that place in our hearts. Perhaps it will be our WS...or maybe not...but someone..someday...when it's time.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

You done good, Jo! I'm proud of you.<P>Believe me, someone would have gotten hurt sooner or later anyway... and unfortunately, it probably would have been you. Not something you need at this stage of things.<P>I really think you did the best thing for all concerned. Don't feel badly.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dear Resilient,<P>You are courageous in having the strength to get up and flee. You are wise in recognising the situtaion before it becomes too late.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

Good for you Jo! You did the right thing. I know it hurt. You have had such a hard time the last couple of years. That must have been difficult. Don't beat yourself up. You are stronger than most.<P>cleo

Jo,<BR>I think you did the right thing. And I know exactly how hard it is. If you want the view from 8 months down the road, even if my situation was a bit different as my H had stopped seeing the OW by the time I began seeing the OM. <P>If I had continued seeing the OM, it is very likely we would be together now. But as you may know, instead, I'm with my H--which really we had both given up real hope for our marriage and we were in divorce paperwork, but he was finally out of the fog.<P>But every now & then I think about what the other road would have been like. My first priority would have been my kids, not the other relationship, and I believe the relationship would have fallen apart, not to mention the friction between OM & H. And the simple fact that my emotions were still very much with my H. It didn't feel like I loved my H, but I had closed off and walled up so that he wouldn't hurt me anymore. My heart was not whole enough for another love. Even though I wanted to spend my time with the OM and he was wonderful to me, I wasn't all there. My emotions were impaired--trust & hope didn't even enter into that relationship, even though he spoke often of our future together and told me he would be a faithful husband. It wasn't so much that I didn't believe him...I didn't have the capacity to entertain that thought of going through infidelity with a future partner/spouse.<P>I don't think it would have been the "clean slate" I wanted it to be, because I am not a clean slate, I'm not healed from the pain. I'm getting there now though, slowly.<P>And, Jo, prepare for the withdrawal, because this guy also represented "hope" for you, and it might feel like in giving him up (or taking a breather) you are giving up hope. We're complicated souls.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thank you so much Schizzo, JL, K, D & C, Buffy, Terri, Weep, Lor and Cleo,<P>You guys really helped me know I did the right thing.<P>AN update on OM ... he has tried contacting me via email. Has said he's not convinced we are over and said we ARE more than friends. Said he knows we still have more time to spend together and learn from one another and that at a "miniumum" we will be good friends for the rest of our lives. Said he is going to give me a little time but expects to be talking on the phone and seeing one another very soon.<P>Now What?????? I guess I forgot to tell you guys that this OM is very driven and determined, and could be perceived as somewhat pushy (remember, he's an attorney)... but that's a trait I really liked in him, he's a communicator and says what he wants. So very different than my abstract H who never said what he wanted or meant.<P>So ... now what do I do? Talk to OM some more and explain more of why I need to not be involved or hurt??? Tell him how I can't do this because it feels like just one more thing I'll have to "survive".<P>Can you guys give suggestions please ...<P>Jo<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited February 04, 2001).]

He is a bit on the pushy side isn't he?<BR>He seems to have decided everything about your relationship w/o taking your feelings into account. IMO he is taking advantage of your vulnerability(sp).<P>Email him and tell him that if he truly cares about you he will respect you and give you your space and that you will be the one to decide if and when your relationship will continue. Then block his email address.<P>

Lor,,<P>Just wanted to say how I can' believe how insightful you are.<P>You really do know how I'm feeling. The thing you said about feeling I'm giving up hope by virtue of ending it with OM was sooooo right on. I guess OM does represent "hope" to and for me. <P>Thank you ever so much for your wise words, Lor.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Jo,<BR>You are very welcome & thank you for your compliment. I'm just trying to learn from my mistakes and trying to see clearly what need/hope underlies my own actions, thoughts & feelings, otherwise I spin my wheels.

Jo,<P>Lor has gained wisdom from the road she's walked. I hope you will consider what she says. I've never had an OM so can't give any direct advice.<P>But how many of us have heard from our WS that they want to just remain friends? It doesn't seem to work. I think the road that leads to sex and in-love feelings is a one-way street, you can't go back to friendship.<P>For good or bad, it is entirely your choice - to continue to enjoy the good feelings at this time when you feel so *needy* or to go through withdrawal and focus on becoming whole. There are no guarantees, but your chances of long-term happiness, (whether your h comes back or you move on) are all on the second choice IMHO.

Lor(Lor),<P>You are another one in my surfing around MB that seems to know my experience all too well. <BR>To make a long (aren't they always) story short, my heart feels like it is in 500 peices. <BR>Some history: I began an affair, right out of the fire an into the pan. After 6 years of marriage, I was in such a state of despair (it was a verbally abusive, roller coaster relationship....)that one night, I went out with an old business friend, whom I've always had a crush on, and we kissed. It wasn't long before my emotions got serious. OM told me he loved me with all his heart and soul. Was going to give me the love I never had. And he did.<BR>It lasted for over a year. I have a two year old. I moved out, to pursue a divorce to be with him. My chance for happiness finally!!!!<P>Not so much...I see now how much healing I still need to do before I can ever be involved in a new relationship. The pain of custody talks, not seeing the baby, and somehow becomming great friends with H through all this, got the better of me. H was/is THE BEST dad, and I missed so much our time with the baby together. And, the OM, as wonderful a friend and lover as he was, is a workaholic, very money conscious, fights with his ex, and didn't make spending time with my son and I a priority. <BR>So, last week, I told him I could not see him anymore. I wanted to give my marriage a serious look at. It was time to sign the divorce papers, and I simply could not. Because of pain, fear, I am still in a cloud.<BR>i wonder if this was the right decision...should i have wrapped up the divorce, taken some time out, then tried to really communicate with OM my needs? I want to be clear I fell so in love with this guy, the withdrawal is overwhelming.<BR>My son cries for mommy all the time, wakes up in the night crying, my heart is so broken. I am at work now, crying in my office as I write this. My co-workers must be wondering....<BR>Have you, or anyone, repaired love lost with H after an experience like this, even if you felt like you and H might be a mismatch?<BR>My H was very hurt, but now he wants to do anything to make it work. I want to give it a chance, but like so many others posting around MB Forum, it is hard, next to impossible to try, when your heart still resides with someone else.<BR>So what's your spin? Did I do the righ thing, leave OM and the feelings of love I want/felt, and try again with H who always hurt me and basically busted all my love?<BR>This is so hard. I feel like I gave up so much already, it is so unclear how life with H will turn out ok, I am tormented in this indecision.<P>I wait for replies. This posting gor away from me!<BR>Thanks,<BR>RM<P>------------------<BR>

Well, this is only day two of not talking to OM and I'm really having a hard time with it.<P>God knows I don't want to hurt him. I really hurt thinking he is feeling pain of any kind. He is such a sweet man and he makes me laugh so much ... fills my soul with so much joy ... I really care for him and I miss him. I hope he's okay and not hating me for this.<P>I hope he knows that it wasn't because of him that I had to do this ... but because of what I've been thru and I'm still going thru ... he has been D before, and I'm not trying to down play the hurt he probably felt at that time, but he was only married for 3 years, as opposed to mine of 20 years. Half my life.<P>I want to talk to him so bad. I want to make sure he's okay. Can you guys give me some encouragement and tell me not to contact him PLEASE!!!!!!!! And tell me why I shouldn't because right now it feels wrong not to talk to him. It feels like I'm being cruel and mean to him damn it.<P>Help ....<BR>Jo

Jo,<P>I think it is the best thing for you to not talk to him. You are experiencing what many of us will never experience first hand - withdrawal from an inappropriate relationship. This should give you an incredible insight into the addictive nature of affairs. Granted, that isn't exactly your first priority - but you have the unique opportunity to understand some of what your husband MIGHT be feeling or have felt.<P>As for hurting him: If you were to continue the relationship, someone would get hurt anyway - that's almost a given due to your circumstances. Better to hurt him and you NOW before the emotions are even more entwined and you hurt each other badly.<P>I have to say that my belief is that you either want your marriage, or you want a divorce. Being with someone else goes agains the wanting your marriage part, so, do you want a divorce? Think about that.<P>I hope this is reasonably coherent, since I am falling asleep while typing it.<P>Good night all ... Jo, you are OK and You will BE OK!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Jo,<BR>If you talk to him to see how he is, either he'll say he's ok and he understands, he's ok and he'll never understand, he no longer wants to talk to you...You can play all the scenarios out in your head, but at this point you have to be selfish and use this time to clear your head and make your decision.<P>If you talk to him, you'll want to talk to him again, because indeed, even if he's fine today, you'll wonder just as much tomorrow how he is.<P>I guess I see this as the time for you to make your decision, like Terri says, Marriage or Divorce acceptance. If you decide divorce...it still would be a good thing to wait a bit with this guy. You really can't go from loving one man to another within weeks without some transferance of feelings going on.<P>And, withdrawal does end. I promise. Although, I did get a good shove out of the fog with the OM getting married to someone else. I'm starting to feel it was a fortunate thing.<P>Rocky Mountains,<BR>My H & I work every day to repair and recover our marriage. We're getting close to the 3 year point since the really bad times began. We had been separated 7 times (14 months out of 21). We both had intense relationships with other people, mine during the 7th separation & included serving divorce papers. <P>We're still dealing with & healing all of that. We go to counseling, a little less often now, but get there when things are shaky (we went yesterday). I love my husband. Looking at him delights me. He & my children are my family and I love that we are together. And feels the same. We will continue to work on the issues that tore us apart and the things that went on during that time. Forgiveness is a crucial aspect. Not so much for the other person, but to keep you from staying angry, depressed and/or bitter.<P>My H & I aren't a mismatch, but we have both changed a huge amount in the 20 years we've known each other, we've both noticeably changed during these 3 years. We're reinvestigating the things we have in common and the interests or activities that we've developed on our own to see best how we can fit our lives back together again. We intentionally meet each other's emotional needs. And sometimes we just crash in front of the TV and don't say a word. I believe it is finding the balance--we're not there yet, but we both want the marriage to work.<P>I'm not going to tell anyone that after what we went through that our recovery is easy. Somedays it is nothing but hard work. But, on the other hand, something as simple as seeing our surly 15 year old daughter smile at the dad she despised a year ago makes us realize how prized our reconciliation is. For us, it is the right thing.