Hey everybody....I have been lurking around this board and posted a few responses now and then, but my own situation has been so confusing and painful, I just haven't known what to say. I don't even know in which forum I belong these days.....or what plan I'm in...<P>Thanksgiving weekend was the one-year anniversary of d-day. I tried to keep really busy over those 4 days off, and I did a pretty good job. Didn't have any big emotional breakdowns...<P>But over the past week, as I was putting up Christmas decorations, I have been so depressed. My H came over one night to fix our water pump and I was very pleasant to him and we got along okay. He talked a little about the OW...saying how nice she was and he even kidded about how great it would be if we all three could live in our house....THEN he would consider coming home! Then he said he still cares and loves me and that he wants us to be friends. He hugged me when he left. I didn't say much but said that I loved him and wanted him to reconsider working on our marriage.<P>As soon as he was out the driveway, I just burst into tears. It hurts me so bad when he tries to say how nice the OW is and how none of this is her fault. I've asked him so many times not to bring her up in conversation. He just doesn't see anything except what revolves right around him.<P>The thing is I still love him so much....and it seems like it's getting worse. I've tried so hard to let him go, but if I see him or talk to him, it just puts me back to square one. And it's been a year!!! I finally e-mailed him yesterday saying I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore....it's just too hard. He hasn't responded, but I think the only way I'm going to stop caring about him is to stop caring....no contact...no thoughts, etc. I don't know what else to do.<P>I've turned this all over to God. I've come to the end of my rope and know that there is nothing I can do to change anything. I've been humbled and broken for a long time.<P>The other thing is, because of my deep beliefs about the covenant of marriage, I seem to find myself in a box. I don't believe in divorce or re-marriage. I've tried, tried, tried to work thru those issues and come to a different conclusion, but I can't seem to change my convictions. That means the only way I will have a partner in life, a lover, a best-friend, a buddy....is if my H comes home. That just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.<P>So here I am, with the life I've always wanted in tatters, just staring at the next 30 years of what? Emptiness.....I get soooo lonely. Not for people, not for my friends...just for him. I don't have kids and my family is all spread out over the U.S. with me in Hawaii. But it's not them I want...it's him.<P>I cry out to the Lord for His peace and comfort and they are just no where to be found. I don't feel Him. I don't know what to do...I go thru each day like a robot. Putting on a smile, being strong when I have to...just getting by. And before you know it, another week is down the tube. I can't exist like this for very long.<P>This past weekend I again seriously considered just disappearing. It doesn't even seem like it would be that hard to do. It's starting to feel like it's the perfect solution to all of this.<P>I know that sounds dumb and drastic. But I really do feel trapped in a box and can't see any hope, love, trust, intimacy, etc. for my future. How can you just live a life so empty? <P>Sorry this is so down....that's just how I feel. I can't get excited about anything...not Christmas, not New Years... nothing. Life just has no meaning for me anymore. I've always stuck to the straight and narrow, done the right thing for the right reasons....and look where it's got me.<P>I'm not saying God owes me anything. I just don't know how to talk to Him anymore....He says to ask and it shall be done....so I ask...and nothing happens. How do I keep believing in God?<P>Thanks for letting me say all of this. Please pray for me....I really need something to happen soon....

Mrs. O:<P>I'll keep you in my prayers. I'd also recommend that you write a "Plan B" letter (similar to your email, by the sounds of it), and send it to your husband. And then NO CONTACT.<P>It's pretty clear that when he does interact with you, he's killing your love for him. You need to isolate yourself from this. And if you truly won't divorce him, then I would strongly urge you to remain in "no contact" UNLESS he's willing to come back (without the OW, of course).

K gave some great advice (as usual! ). It's too painful to keep in contact with him when he's still with the OW. You'll never be able to move on if he keeps contacting you. <P>"It's not the OW's fault." Yeah, sure - and a donkey just won the Kentucky Derby. And I'm married to Mel Gibson. Whatever!<P>Are you on any meds yet? That should help you. I am so sorry you are so down - you're in my thoughts and prayers as well. Just take things one day at a time, and try to do some things for yourself. Lord knows you deserve that.<P>Best of luck to you, and I really hope things look up for you soon!

{{{{{{{{{{Mrs. O}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>My kids are home now so I have to be quick.<P>I too have felt trapped in a box many times.<P>I'll come back later as they are clamoring for my attention...

Mrs. O,<P>I've seen you on the boards now and again. I wish you all the peace and serenity you deserve. Would it help to know that God recognizes divorce when a spouse strays from the marriage? You really can find peace, love and respect from someone else if your H doesn't come to his senses. You can't find Mr Right with Mr. Wrong hanging around.<P>** Recover ** Refocus ** Regenerate **<P>God Bless You!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Free2BMe:<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><B>Would it help to know that God recognizes divorce when a spouse strays from the marriage? </B> <P>Yes, I know that God allows it, but it's so hard for me because I know it's not His desire...that he hates it. It's hard for me to accept it...when I know He hates it...<P>And just because He allows divorce (for adultry), does that mean it's in His will for re-marriage? I really struggle with this question. We all accept it these days....does that make it right?<P><B>You can't find Mr Right with Mr. Wrong hanging around.</B><P>The thing is....I know that my H was Mr. Right for me....that God brought us together and joined us as man and wife. He's not Mr. Wrong....he is doing wrong...but he's not Mr. Wrong. <P>I have a hard time thinking that somehow Mr. Right turned into Mr. Wrong and the REAL Mr. Right is still out there somewhere....<P>I know these must seem like dumb questions, but I guess I'm asking because I just can't face a future without love in my life....and I mean the type of love between man and wife...I just get too lonely and I don't see the point in living. (And this from a woman who is very independant and didn't get married until I was 30.) <P>Thanks for your thoughts all....

HI Mrs. O,<P> Listen to K , you need to go to Plan B,....seeing your H is pulling you way down..You need to at least have some space. <P> I know you love your H but for him to go on and on about the OW is downright cruel. It also sounds like he is still tied to you....cut contact and let the "wonderful and nice"(gag!-sorry) OW meet all of his needs....<P>Stay strong, try not to think so far into the future about love etc.....you sound very depressed and things change oftentimes very quickly....Thinking of you, keep posting ......LU

Mrs. O.,<P>I hope I didn't offend you bcs I didn't mean to. I'm sorry if I did, I think I came across all wrong.<P>I used to think I couldn't live without my H in my life, but I'm starting to see that my H needs professional help (even more than he's getting now). He has been so hurt and abused by his mom and I can never, ever help him or support him properly. I thought we could heal him together, but he's always hurting me and so he doesn't deserve the love I have to offer. I do believe there's someone out there who will love and respect me, but I think I'm done with dating and marriage when this one fizzles. This is my 2nd marriage and I just can't handle the men I attract.<P>You deserve so much better and if/when you stop all contact with him and focus on healing yourself, you will see he is not the one for you (as long as he stays with OW and lies and cheats). Maybe he'll come around, and I pray he does for you, but if not - you'll be fine!<P>Take care of yourself!

Mrs. O,<P>I am no bible scholar, but I do know what you have been told is right. God does permit divorce in the case of adultery. Further, the bible doesn't really address remarriage, but you know one of the major beliefs in the Christian religion is that God is a God of Love.<P>You are trying to read God's mind Mrs. O and that never really works. So settle a bit and contemplate things in a different light. Do what K recommends and then learn to appreciate what you have been given. <P>Finally, while I do hope that your H comes to his senses, please realize two things. One your H is not doing this to you, he is doing it to meet his own needs. He is doing it for himself.<P>Second, there is more than one right person for you in this world. You met one and married him. There are others and when the time is right and you have healed perhaps that will happen again.<P>Personally, I think your H still does love you, but the addiction is strong. It is hard to tell if he will come around before God offers you other choices. If that happens don't be afraid to take them.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you all....yes, I need to chill out a bit. I probably am not only putting myself in a box, but God too. <P>I basically am in Plan B and have been for a while, although my H contacts me once in a blue moon and I HAD to call him about the pump the other night (long story...we live off-power and he installed it originally - he'd harang me if I let someone else touch it).<P>Anyway, my e-mail to him was the official Plan B letter...give or take. I know I'll be able to have no contact with him and from his point of view, I'm sure that'll be just fine. <P>To answer some of your questions...I am on meds and have been for a year or more. None of these responses have hurt my feelings....I wouldn't be on this board if I didn't need to hear what other say about a situation I am obviously too close to to see properly. I welcome all responses....even if you tell me I'm a big baby and to grow up!<P>I also realize my H isn't doing this to me, and that he is basically repeating a long-standing pattern he's had in his life...when he gets too close to happiness, he f*cks it up. He's done this a coupla times.....but the past 12 years has been the longest he's gone (at least that I knew about). We had such a wonderful life together. I know he needs help for hurts from his childhood and he is getting counseling, but I still feel for him. And that's why it's so hard to let go. Not only do I hurt for what's happened to me in the past year, I still hurt for him!<P>Anyway, thanks for the reminders to stay in the present and not worry about all the "what if's" about tomorrow. Even tho my convictions on the marriage commitment are strong, I will try to keep an open mind and continue to allow God to change me and show me new things that perhaps I haven't allow before.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs. O,<P>I am a major lurker anymore, but your story has really touched my heart.<P>I would love it if you would e-mail me. I think you and I can talk about some things.<P>I'm praying for you. <P>cc7315@yahoo.com<P>God bless,<P>Cheryl

Mrs. O:<P>It's good to see you posting again....sometimes we get too wrapped up in plodding through each day to reach out for the help we need. When I read your post I thought "This could be me...days turning into months without anything really happening...in time it will be years." But I realize that it's like waiting for Christmas...for something good to happen...we grow impatient with the wait.<BR> <BR>But something is happening...good or bad...nothing ever stops changing....you may not be able to see it or feel but it's changing...although perhaps too slowly to see. <P>I don't know if you remember my story but I work with my WS everyday (we are separated) and yesterday near the end of the day someone called on the phone and he talked to them and his answers were curt and simple so I knew it was "his friend". When I got home I looked around and thought "Where is the person who's eager for me to come home." Well, there is none...only the cats. And I thought what in the world did I do to deserve to be alone. Nothing, that's what...but it makes no difference...the effect is the same. But you know what...it's alright...because I know that there is something better for me in the future...today is just a waiting time...waiting for one stage in life to end and perhaps another to begin. Sometimes it's hard to let go...but sometimes we don't have any choice.<P>It's your choice if you wait...but don't limit your life to waiting...begin your new life now...let your WS catch up to you if he's interested...if not, then move on without him.<P>Either way, you are not alone...there are many of us here...caught in limbo land...waiting for our ride home.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

Mrs O,<P>I know this is so hard and I hear your pain and your discouragement. I cannot answer why it takes so long for God to answer our prayers, but I do know he answers and does hear you. As you know I am in a similar situation and have been for a long time. <P>I have just surfaced from a major bout of discouragement. It lasted for almost six weeks. Even though I praised the Lord daily and prayed I just couldn't get out from under it. It felt like the shoe was going to fall any day and this weekend I cried heart wrenching tears, cleaned everything out inside LOL. It was an attack of the enemy. Looking back I can even tell when it started. It came at a time when I was actually feeling very close to the Lord. <P>Anyhow I read a sermon of Dave Wilkerson's from Times Square Church. It was titled: "When you Come To The End of Yourself!" dated Dec 28, 1998. It is part of his pulpit series. Go to:<P> <A HREF="http://www.tscpulpitseries.org" TARGET=_blank>www.tscpulpitseries.org</A> <P>It talks about discouragement and how he dealt it and where it comes from or doesn't come from. It was very encouraging. It allowed me to see it as an attack and helped me to speak to it in prayer and break through it. I feel my confident in the Lord self again.<P>You will be in my Tueasday night prayers.<P>Be encouraged He is Lord.<P>

OK,<BR>I have just read a book, I'm not sure who it was by. But it recommended praising God for all things to give him a chance to work in our lives.<P>So, what can you praise him for in this situation. praise him for giving you this chance to work on yourself, praise him for this seperation. Praise him for this strain on your marriage... I dont know, what havent you let go of that you need to turn over to God and praise him for?<P>Worth a try anyway...<BR>I'm right where you are only my H walked out 3 months ago and I haven't heard from him since. Limboland... sounds like a theme park.<BR>Lora

Thank you everyone....it's been hard for me to reach out during this discouragement, because I know so many other people are hurting and confused too. But I'm glad I did. Your encouragement has helped me alot.<P>I'm just getting ready to head home from work, so I'll respond more tomorrow....<P>The waiting really is the hardest part, mostly because we don't really know what we are waiting for....<P>Thanks, hw, for keeping me in the Tuesday night prayers.....I printed out the Dave Wilkerson page and will read it tonight.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS Yes, Limboland is a place where you're forced to stay on the rides, even when you're puking all over...<P>

LOL,<P>What a visual... I have been on that ride for a long time now. <BR>Lora

Mrs O,<P>I love the definition of limboland. I think though I must have the dry heaves by now, after all this time surely there is nothing left to come up. LOL

Mrs. O,<P>Our situation is different. My h is home and behaving himself. The very thing you hope for.<P>So why am I telling you this? I STILL struggle with the same things I hear from you. Why does it hurt when he says how *nice* OW is? Could it be what you hear is "you aren't good enough"? Even though he may not have thought that at all. In fact, it sounds like he would like to have you both. I know my h would have and has often wished he lived in the old days when men were openly polygamous.<P>You know in your head, what he is doing is about HIM, not you. But you still FEEL the rejection.<P>My h is home, doing great, yet I still have to face the same issues. How do I FEEL God's love for me and give MYSELF the affirmation I need?<P>I made the mistake before of thinking I don't feel good about myself and I'm so lucky to have h as my husband. If he will only love me, I'll be happy.<P>I'm now working daily to recenter myself, to feel good about myself apart from him.<P>Am I way off here, or is this maybe something you could focus more on? It's been said many times on this board that WS find it very attractive when the BS is strong and moves on. But that is not the main reason. I think it is important for my growth as a person. I even considered asking for a separation after he was over the OW. I needed some detachment so I could recenter myself. In some ways it is much harder to focus on my healing and recenter myself where I am with an h and two young kids who always want to be the center of my universe.<P>

All these responses are very inspirational and have come from the heart - I can feel that. I liked the idea of recentering ones self. I think I need to do that, but how. I can't escape to Florida like my H did in September (can I?)! I would love to disappear for a couple days.<P>Thank you Mrs. O for starting this thread, it has helped me as well. My H is also still home, but it's quite hard for me.<P>God Bless!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I'm not saying God owes me anything. I just don't know how to talk to Him anymore....He says to ask and it shall be done....so I ask...and nothing happens. How do I keep believing in God?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I feel very much the same way Mrs O! And thank you hw for the link to the sermon. It spoke directly to how I feel right now. I sometimes feel like my prayers are flawed and that's why they aren't being answered. For about a month now, I've tried to be quiet, hand my life over to God, and have complete faith that He will take care of me. Meanwhile, the bill collectors are calling, my H is here, but he's not here (emotionally). I'm in the depths of despair and wonder every day, how long does it take for God to come into my life and take care of me? My attitude is probably as flawed as my prayers. Or is it? Or are my prayers being answered and I'm too blind to see it? <P>I hear people talk about hearing God speak, but I'm still waiting. It's very discouraging. After reading the sermon hw suggested, I prayed some more. <P>I've read in the Bible study forum that we are supposed to "get out of God's way" and not try to fix our own problems. It's very confusing to me how this works. I keep waiting and waiting. This may sound silly, but I wonder if I'm jinxing the answer to my prayers by simply wondering how long it's going to take? Is that stupid?