My H arrived to pick up the kids tonight and told them he was taking them to dinner. They all asked why Mommy couldn't come. I stayed silent and H explained that I had other things to do. Not true. When my 4 year old kept asking me, I said that Daddy didn't want me to come. H got very angry and said that was inappropriate. <P>H said that he was certain I hadn't told the kids that he was gone this weekend because I wanted it. I confirmed that that was right I didn't tell the kids that because I didn't want him to be gone. Then I confirmed with him that he didn't want me at dinner so I had told my child the truth.<P>In general, I know he has not been answering the kids questions about why he left because they tell me that he keeps saying "I don't know" or "It's hard to explain" and then not trying. What should I have said? (I should also explain that H seems to be in a mood to really want to be mad at me about everything.)

exhausted,<BR>i think that it is important for you and your husband to be honost with your children. They probably already notice he isn't around like he used to be and that he comes to get them and takes them somewhere else without you. Kids aren't blind. Maybe you should not have said what you did in the way you did, but it definetly was no lie. You and H need to discuss the proper way and time to tell children what is going on. Leaving them in the dark is not fair. Tell them the are loved but mom and dad are going through a tough time and it is just between you and H. Good luck.<BR>Sil

Exhausted,<P> I have a 6 year old and 4 year old. My 4 year old doesn't really seem to understand but the 6 year old is very aware of the situation. I know it's hard not to somehow let them know that he is wronging you but from everything I've read this is a definite No No. I think this may be a time where a lie might be semi acceptable. It's a very hard thing to do but at this point you'll get nowhere by making him out to be bad in any way(Not that you necessarily did) It's a huge change for them just that he is gone. They don't understand nor should they that he hurt you. One of the hardest things I've found is how mine crave their mom now that she's gone. She came by last weekend and I was going to the movies with them. She wanted to go so I sayed alright. It was a fight to see who get's to sit by her at the movie. Never felt so low before. I know why the do it but it's hard anyways. Bottom line is their health and welfare outweighs anything in the world.. I'll never understand how anyone can leave their children. Take care... Crick

I don't know if this will help but. When I was 9 my parents got divorced. It was a good thing, my father was physically abusive. My mother should have left sooner. But I remember all the time that even though I was scared of my father, I didn't wan't my parents to get a divorce. I think for at least 6 months after I prayed every night for them to get back together. So all I can say is, never bad mouth each other where the kids can hear. Better yet never say bad things about each other. ALWAYS let the kids know how important and loved they are by both parents. Try to explain the best you can without to much detail about why mom and dad aren't together. I hope this helps some. I think about stuff like that myself. My wife and I are having rocky times ourselves and I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Good luck. <BR>

Never lie to your children. Lying to your children is never ok. Making a statement of fact is not badmouthing - badmouthing requires conjecture or an opinion, as in "He's a jerk." I think it is wrong to tell your children that your spouse does or doesn't love them - you have no way of knowing whether he does or not. <P>Parents who make it obvious that certain topics are off-limits end up with children who are scared to talk to their parents about difficult topics.

4... 8... 10... 90 years old!<P>The truth will set you free.<P>My responses to this are at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/001877.html" TARGET=_blank>what do you tell the kids when you get tough??</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/002101.html" TARGET=_blank>Should I tell the kids the truth???</A>.<P>I hate the idea of letting our children...<BR>...accept what is wrong...<BR>...adultery <B>IS</B> wrong<BR>...lying <B>IS</B> wrong<BR>...wanting "things"/"people" that aren't ours <B>IS</B> wrong<BR>...stealing <B>IS</B> wrong<BR>...not repsecting your parents <B>IS</B> wrong<P>To say to the most impressionable...<BR>...it's wrong but we're going to do it <B>anyway</B>...<BR>...and accept that other's will do it <B>anyway</B>...<BR>...other's that influence us and that we have an influence on...<BR>...<B>IS</B> wrong!<P>Hard as it is...<BR>...I feel it is possible to separate the sin from the sinner...<P>Always show love for the parent that is the WS...<BR>...sometimes that love... has to be a bit "tougher" at times.<P> <P>Jim

Thank You all for your suggestions. <P>Crick, I can especially identify with you movie story. Even though you know your kids love and should love the WS, it still feels a little bit like betrayal when they show it so much in front of you. Also, if you are with the kids most of the time, the WS is always the one that the kids are extra excited to see. I guess this is where the selfless part of parenting comes in.<P>As for talking to the kids. My H "told" the kids (5,4, and 2) when he moved out 2 weeks ago. He started by saying that we were all going to have another house in a very excited voice. It didn't get much clearer from there. My almost 6 year old thought I was crying because I didn't want to move to our new house! I've been left to do almost all the explaining since then.<P>I have been telling some of the truth. I agree that they are too young to understand A so I have not mentioned it. I usually say that Daddy still likes Mommy and still loves her in a way, but not the way he wants to love a wife. My counselor has advised me that I can allow the kids to see some of my sadness because otherwise they will think I am a robot and also be afraid to share their sadness. This is such a fine line, though. My almost 6 year old has already tried to "take care" of me a couple of times. Believe me it was more empathetic than I ever thought a little kid could be and nearly broke my heart. A little of that is not a problem, but obviously I don't want him to take me on as his burden! <P>I too don't understand how someone like my H who loves their kids big time can leave. I know the addiction of the A is powerful, but it continues to make me feel like such a zero that even though he loves his kids that much, he can't stand the thought of working at our marriage which was not all that bad before A.

Exhausted,<P> If you don't take anything else away remember you're not a zero. You are the one who has the hurt and still cares for the kids. One day he'll wake up and realize this too... I know mine will, just hopefully not too late... Hang in there...