How do you handle a smoking spouse. When my wife and I first ot married she quit smoking. Now she has started again after 7 years. We have 2 small children. She told me she wouldn't smoke at home, around me or the kids. Last friday we went out with some friends of hers that do smoke and she was going to light up one. Which lead to an argument. Any suggestions on how to handle this??<BR>

Well. So what do I do now. She will probably want to get a divorce over my not liking her to smoke.<p>[This message has been edited by pegasus (edited December 06, 2000).]

Pegasus, my H smokes. He always has.<P>I grew up in a smoking household. My mother smoked 2-1/2 packs of days -- for years it was Camels unfiltered. 7 years ago they found lung cancer. She was lucky; it was small, encapsulated, and found early. Now her husband is dying of cancer in the lungs -- is it primary lung cancer, or a recurrence of his old thyroid cancer? No one knows for sure, and I think they're afraid to find out.<P>Smoking is a complex addiction. And yes, it is a drug addiction. Nicotine is more addictive than heroin/opiates, more addictive than cocaine, more addictive than alcohol. And yet it is readily available, and even subsidized by the government. Tobacco companies adulterate the product to enhance the addiction. My father worked in the tobacco industry in the 1950's, and he could tell you things that would make your hair curl.<P>My H has often said that the biggest obstacle to quitting is the fact that he can go to any store and buy them.<P>Tobacco addiction is a function of the body's biochemical response, but also one of psychological state. I think that depressed people find it harder to quit. I know my mother has a strong death wish; in fact, she attempted suicide once when I was a child. My H probably has one too.<P>This is not what you want to hear, but you cannot make your wife quit smoking if she doesn't want to. The best you can do is come up with some ground rules. My H has a room in our house that's his, and he smokes in there, with a fan in the window. Or he smokes outside. He's well aware that it's a filthy, dangerous thing, and he believes it's not his right to inflict it on anyone else. <P>Do I like it? No, because I know it's shortening his life. But it's HIS decision whether or not to smoke, just as it's your wife's decision. The best you can hope for is that you can work out some kind of compromise. <P>Another thing to keep in mind: She may see your opposition to her smoking as "controlling", and so she rebels. Are you controlling?

I am a "social smoker"...I can have a few when out with friends and having a few drinks, and then not touch them for months. My H isn't crazy about it, but he never says anything, will even light one for me at a party. If, instead, he expressed disapproval and tried to get me not to, I'm afraid it would have the opposite effect.<P>I do not smoke at home or around the kids...I do not want them to emulate my bad habits.<P>I'd suggest you back off...you cannot force someone to change, after all...

I know that I can't make her quit. But she made ground rules and then wouldn't stick to them. Also since she has started smoking again, when we get close, I can smell it on he sometimes and that smell really bugs me.

And, I'm sure there are a few things about you that bug her. The question is do you love each other enough to out up with a few warts?<P>

pegsus,<P>She knows that you want her to stop, so there is no need to bring it up again. It only will be seen as a lovebuster.<P>I have no clue where you two are in the realtionship, but if you say she would want a divorce over this, I'm guessing there are some more serious issues that need tending to than her smoking habit.<P>I know that when you get close, the smell bothers you, but just think, some of us like myself, would love the opportunity to be annoyed with the smoke smell, if I could just be in my stbx'x arms again, let alone, the same house......<P>What I'm trying to say is choose your battles carfully...You may lose some, but the goal is to win the WAR!!<P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com