Ok. Semi long story here. My wife and I have been married for over 7 years now. Before we got maried she used to smoke. She quit when we got married and she stayed that way pretty much for 6 years. Last Novemeber (99) she started again. I mishandled the situation. But she stopped. Then earlier this year she had an internet affair. Ended it and we had been working on working it out. About three weeks ago she started smoking again. She said she wouldn't do it at home, in front of me or around our 2 daughters (2 & 4). Last Friday, we went out with a friend of hers from work and her boyfriend. Both smokers. Dinner was ok, they didn't smoke that much. Then we went to a bar and they started chain smoking, after about 45 minutes she ask her friend for a smoke and was going to light up. We got into a little discusion and she didn't do it. After spending a couple of hours at the bar we went to a night club. By this time I was feeling a little sick. I had kept going outide for a bit of fresh air, but by that time it wasn't doing any good. A little while later I told her that I had to leave, I might have said "We had to leave", because I was about ready to puke. I have never been able to tolerate a lot of smoke for very long. Now she feels that because of this that we are not really compatible. And when I talk to her about her quitting again, I am either trying to control her or I won't accept her the way she is. The problem for me, is that now that she has been smoking for a while, I can smell it on her a lot of the time, and personally, I hate that smell. It just really bugs me. So how in the heck do I keep us from getting a divorce over this. I love her and she loves me, but how can there be any compromise??<BR>PLEASE HELP. Any suggestions would be appreciated.<BR>P.<p>[This message has been edited by pegasus (edited December 06, 2000).]

Pegasus, see my post to you in your other thread.<P>Yes, my friend, it sure does sound to me as if your wife finds you controlling. And she's had an affair too, eh? <P>My H had an "inappropriate friendship" or something two years ago, and it made me examine my own role in my marriage. I think that you need to evaluate just how much control you are exerting. Clearly your wife feels a need to "break free" -- why?<P>This does not excuse any of her actions, but it seems to me that there are some compromises you BOTH could make to help your marriage.

This is a tough one. I was a smoker before I met my wife, and continued smoking even after I married her. She didn't smoke and HATED that I did. I would never really do it around her, and would always find excuses to "go outside" or "take out the trash" etc., but I know that I must have reeked with smoke afterwards. <P>I quit a few years ago and I can tell you that it was one of the most difficult things to do. It is VERY addictive. That said, I quit mainly because I love my wife, and I didn't want to die young and leave her alone. I knew it was a really bad thing to be doing, and that I was destroying by body in the process. It just took a while for me to get enough strength do it. I also used the "patch." It really helped.<P>I don't know if this is what your wife is going through or not. If she feels you are incompatible, there may be more to it. If you haven't already, try to read "His Needs Her Needs" with her and see if you can find some common ground to build on. There may be some other needs of hers that you are not meeting. <P>It may take some time for her to quit. Like I said, smoking is very addictive and very tough to beat. She HAS to want to do it on her own. No one will be able to force it upon her and against her will. <P>I hope reading this doesn't get you down. Try to hang in there and give her as much positive encouragement as possible. That's what my wife did. At first she would beat me up over smoking, but that didn't do anything. Once she started being more encouraging and giving positive reinforcement ("you CAN do it" "you're stronger than those tobacco billionaires" "I love you and want to grow OLD with you" "you're really sexy when you don't smoke") the guilt and desire grew to where I really WANTED to quit. That's where you need to bring your wife.<P>I hope this helps.<P>-HD

HD<BR>Thanx for the advice. Its funny because personally I believe people have the right to do whatever they want to themselves. But some of the problems I have is 1 I hate the odor and don't like to smell it. 2 when my kids get older how do I keep them from wanting to smoke when mom does?<BR>P<BR>

Hello P,<BR>Since smoking is such a controversial subject due to the health effects, if one changes the offensive item, would your attitude chnge?<BR>For instance, my h loves to eat smoked oysters. He does so daily and they are healthy. To me those dang little things stink! Should he or should he not eat them?<BR>Worth a divorce? I think not!<BR>Since you are asking about this, I would have to wonder what else is going on? I think there is a bit more than the smoking.....

Cl. What if she was doing heroin. She used to do hard drugs before. If she started doing them again I should just let her. The only real difference between drugs and smoking is nicotine is legeal.<BR>P<BR>

You seem awfully judgemental here. Well, if you consider cigarettes to be the equivalent of heroin, why not just divorce her and move on? <P>Everyone has a few faults and bad habits. If we are lucky, we marry someone who loves us despite our faults. If not, we live with our spouses' disrespectful judgements and criticism until love dies. <P>Just a thought.<P>Kathi<P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited December 09, 2000).]

Dear P,<BR>heroin is quite a different issue than cigarettes, IMHO!<BR>while you may dislike the smell of cigarettes, they do not alter her behavior or senses, as heroin would. Cigarettes do not change her ability to parent, to work, to play, or anything else. ODs are not an issue with tobacco. They are not as socially accpetable as in the past, but yep, they are legal....and so is alcohol! Both kill thousands. <BR>I am not a smoker, but I think the issue is one of respect. <BR>You said she was not smoking around you and kids, so again I ask, what is the real issue?

Cl, what is the real issue? Probably this: That deep in my soul, I feel that smoking is one of the worst things a person can do to themselves and their loved ones. You are right, no one OD's on tobacco. But approx 1/2 a million smokers die every year. 50,000 non smokers die for second hang smoke, and about 3000 of them from lung cancer, a smokers disease. While only about 3000 people od on drugs. If you belonged to PETA, would you want your spouse to go out and kill animals because it was fun. If you were a christian and believed that we are all gods children, could you live with a spouse that was an extreme racist or a klan member? This is my dilemma. I love my wife dearly and want to be with her, yet what she does goes against the very grain of my soul. How do i reconsile that?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by pegasus (edited December 10, 2000).]

Pegasus, it's not hard to see that you have very strong feelings about smoking and I'm sure your wife is totally aware of your thoughts on this. On reading your post, my first thought was that your wife is pushing you to do exactly that....divorce her, let her go for whatever reason. She knows if she continues to smoke, your marriage may as well be over and she's picked the one thing?? that will get you to let her go without her having to be the one to do it. I suspect her smoking it just the tip of the iceberg as far as the problems you 2 are having in your marriage.

Morning P,<BR>I am very aware of the illness and death casued by smoking-I deal with it daily! But I also deal with many other 'self-inflicted' illnesses, as you term smoking. I question your stats, especially that of second hand smoke. There is quite a body of research on why people smoke. Maybe it would be useful reading?<BR>But that is beside the issue!!! Your wife has a habit that is very powerful and you hate it. It seems that your wife has compromised a great deal, but this is still not enough for you. Nothing will be except total abstinence? <BR>Maybe divorce is the only answer if she cannot quit? This is very very sad to me. <BR>There must be some kind of intervention that would work for both of you? Can you support her with stop smoking classes? Sometimes drugs help the initial withdrawal. Can you learn more about the addiction and come to terms with it? <BR>There must be some sort of compromise for this situation! But you both must be willing to find that compromise.

Hi Pegasus,<P>Believe it or not, my H and I are kind of going thru the same thing in our marriage. He chews and I smoke. When we first met, we both were very light smokers, and he chewed then as well. Didn't seem to matter at all then. Since then, we have both started and stopped the nicotine habit. Now, he still chews and I smoke maybe two packs a week. He was extrememly disgusted with me once I had started up again this last time. <P>Now, your wife and I most likely feel the same way about it: we are adults and can make this decision for ourselves. We know all about the dangers of it (hell, I've seen people very sick and dying from it.) But there is a certain self-destructive, stubborn streak running thru us that is part of what makes us who we are. And the more you boys harangue us about it, the more stressed we feel, so the more we want to smoke. It's not your fault, of course, but the way we respond to that type of situation. <P>No matter how much this habit disgusts you, it is not worth arguing over to the point of yelling and carrying on. Nor is it worth getting a divorce over. You said your peace, now it's time to move forward. There are some painfully obvious other issues active in your marriage right now that are screaming for your attention. I can tell you straight up - a sizeable chunk of it is with you and your behavior. <P>It is reasonable for you to ask her to perhaps smoke outside, or sit across the table from you when you are out at a bar or restaurant. It is also fair for you to ask her to brush her teeth or at least chew some gum before you kiss, and maybe before being intimate at night, take a shower. I always try to take these considerations for my H, and I think it makes a difference. I would think that unless the marriage is tattered and worn from a myrad of other problems, she would want to do the same for you. No woman wants to feel undesirable to her H in a healthy marriage. <P>You said about how sick you were feeling at a certain point while you were out together because of the smoke. I hope your wife was understanding enough to realize that it was time to call it a night. And I also hope that you weren't blaming your queasiness completely on her. Every bar you go to, there will be smoke and lots of it, it's a fact of life. My H also had problems with the smoke in bars. So his solution? He didn't go to bars for a long time. He seems to be mostly over it now, but you get the drift. <P>So, the most important point I wanted to emphasize to you is that there are other concerns in your marriage that are like red flags to me. It's not all that uncommon at all for you to be focusing on a symptom of the problems rather than the problems themselves. But it is very dangerous. I think the both of you need some counselling, and fast, or you may wind up in the same boat - only her next affair may not be cyber. Seriously. <P>Good luck.<P>Khyra <P>