My husband told me about his emotional and sexual affair a month ago. The affair was 8 years ago and lasted a full year. At the time I was pregnant and we had two small children. He was very angry with me because I wouldn't agree to a vasectomy because I wasn't sure if I wanted more children. Then, two months later I got pregnant again. It was an accident, but he was very angry. He fell in love with a very young co-worker. He told me before the baby was born that he was in love with another woman but completely denied sexual involvement. He felt like he was going crazy so he applied for a new job out of state, six months later he got the job and we moved. He re-contacted her six months ago to ask her about a piano for me. She wrote him a few times, and it brought everything back. He finally told me everything. We are both Christians and he was leading a bible study and preaching occasionally all during the affair, which is partly why I believed him when he said it was not sexual. Anyway, now the truth is out and he is filled with so much shame and guilt and depression as well as missing her and wanting to call her. She is now divorced and available apparently. I am trying to give him space and meet emotional needs. It's been 5 weeks, I'm wearing thin. He only went to counseling twice, I'm seeing someone on my own. Help!<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>

Dear Hanging in There,<P>Boy I feel for you! Best as I can tell, my H's emotional affair started when I had 2 small kids and was pregnant with the third. As you well know, it is a hard time to be meeting anyone's emotional needs when you are swamped with babies, nursing, and morning sickness!!<P>Have you or your H read Surviving an Affair? I would really recommend it as it explains the importance of NO contact with the former OW. It also explains the withdrawal period after the WS gives up the OP. The WS's behavior during this time is similar to a drug or alcohol addict going through withdrawal -- and it sounds a lot like what you describe your H going through. The Harleys, who wrote the book, explain that you can't expect a lot of progress in rebuilding your relationship during this withdrawal time. As the BS, you need to be patient and met his EN as best you can.<P>The good news is that it does sound like your H is trying. Maybe if he understands this withdrawal period better, he'll be able to gain some perspective. After my H read Surviving an Affair, I think he realized that what he was feeling and thinking was not all that unique -- it was being almost perfectly described in a book about infidelity!<P>Hang in there! If he is truly trying and really is not making any contact with the OW, the withdrawal most probably won't last that much longer, at least according to the book. Good luck!

The two things I can think of after reading your situation are the following:<P>1) Figure out what needs you might not be meeting, and work on that. Maybe he isn't meeting some of yours too. It can be a two sided thing.<P>2) Get him to read SAA, and if necessary, post on here. What he is experiencing with her is a fantasy, and it will not last. Old flames can be fantasies, it is common, and it clouds your mind if you get caught up in one.<P>Let us know what happens.<BR>

My H was an associate pastor during his A. In fact, he preached his first and only sermon wearing a tie that OW had given him. He never showed any signs of withdrawal and has repressed his guilt feelings for 6 months. Thanks to me and my big mouth, they are now starting to come out. <P>My only advice would be to insist on no contact--I believe that is crucial--and pray, pray, pray. And don't forget to take care of yourself, even pamper yourself occasionally. <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Exhausted:<BR><B>Dear Hanging in There,<P>Boy I feel for you! Best as I can tell, my H's emotional affair started when I had 2 small kids and was pregnant with the third. As you well know, it is a hard time to be meeting anyone's emotional needs when you are swamped with babies, nursing, and morning sickness!!<P>Have you or your H read Surviving an Affair? I would really recommend it as it explains the importance of NO contact with the former OW. It also explains the withdrawal period after the WS gives up the OP. The WS's behavior during this time is similar to a drug or alcohol addict going through withdrawal -- and it sounds a lot like what you describe your H going through. The Harleys, who wrote the book, explain that you can't expect a lot of progress in rebuilding your relationship during this withdrawal time. As the BS, you need to be patient and met his EN as best you can.<P>The good news is that it does sound like your H is trying. Maybe if he understands this withdrawal period better, he'll be able to gain some perspective. After my H read Surviving an Affair, I think he realized that what he was feeling and thinking was not all that unique -- it was being almost perfectly described in a book about infidelity!<P>Hang in there! If he is truly trying and really is not making any contact with the OW, the withdrawal most probably won't last that much longer, at least according to the book. Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Exhausted, Thanks so much for your response. I have ordered SAA and am waiting for it to come in the mail. My H and I have read His Needs, Her needs and he was shocked at how much the book described him. I am trying to meet his EN, esp. since he told me she met his need for admiration and they had a lot of fun together. He recently told me that he feels a great amount of pressure from me that he provide my happiness. I had talked to him about going part-time in Sept. and he felt overwhelmed and that I assumed he would have to get another job, which was not what I thought. I just wanted us to cut down our expenses so I could do that. Anyway, I'm facing painful issues about myself, as much as I've worked to become independent, I guess subtly I still depend on him emotionally for things I should be doing for myself. I think there's hope for us and I appreciate your response. <P><P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick37:<BR><B>The two things I can think of after reading your situation are the following:<P>1) Figure out what needs you might not be meeting, and work on that. Maybe he isn't meeting some of yours too. It can be a two sided thing.<P>2) Get him to read SAA, and if necessary, post on here. What he is experiencing with her is a fantasy, and it will not last. Old flames can be fantasies, it is common, and it clouds your mind if you get caught up in one.<P>Let us know what happens.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, you're right. I've ordered SAA, and I'm trying to meet his needs for admiration, peace and quiet at home and with the kids, and to be less dependent on him for decisions,etc.. since he feels that I put too much pressure on him to provide my happiness. Thanks for your support!<P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Persevering:<BR><B>My H was an associate pastor during his A. In fact, he preached his first and only sermon wearing a tie that OW had given him. He never showed any signs of withdrawal and has repressed his guilt feelings for 6 months. Thanks to me and my big mouth, they are now starting to come out. <P>My only advice would be to insist on no contact--I believe that is crucial--and pray, pray, pray. And don't forget to take care of yourself, even pamper yourself occasionally. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks so much for your support and prayers. I am praying like I've never prayed before. I am reading a book called "The Prayer of Jaebez". It's about Jaebez prayer that God would bless him, enlarge his territory, keep him from evil and help him not to cause anyone else pain. I also have a nice group of women friends who are praying for me. I think there is hope, because for the first time--last night he said that he was very sorry, and crying, said "he wished he had been home with me wiping the kids butts." I've been waiting 8 years to hear those words. He never felt sorry before, even when he told me about the emotional affair part, he was never sorry. I'll be praying for you too. I'm glad the truth has come out, I pray that he will begin to see the reality of his affair. "By His Wounds we are healed."<P><P>------------------<BR>