deleted.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited December 07, 2000).]

SKM - that ought to do it, but my personality would have made it harsher. But, it is you. Good luck.<P>WAT

SKM:<P>Overall, I don't like it. It's way too long, and with too much feeling. The 5th paragraph is quite good, and how the entire letter should be worded (and there should probably only be a few lines added.<P>You should start by telling the OM you have very little to say to him. He has no place in your life, and your involvement with him was an enormous mistake that brought harm to your husband and your marriage. <P>You are focusing on rebuilding your marriage and rekindling the love you and your husband have for each other. He should never contact you, in any form. You will not respond.<P>And that's it. Nothing more. <P>You spend time "explaining"---that may build love for you in the OM's lovebank. You try to let him down easy and wish that he'll find love too---again, this may build love for you in his lovebank.<P>You want it short, to the point. Business-like at the best (not personal). Harsh is OK too. But nice, accomodating, and long explanations does not cut it with the "no contact" letter. (The 5th paragraph, for example, is very good).

sorry, having a tough week of my own. <BR>SKM please dont stop posting. We need you<BR>Lora<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited December 07, 2000).]

I'm sorry if my letter wasn't harsh enough. For anyone who knows my story, you'll know that I have so much remorse for what I have done - I cannot even put it into words. This was my best attempt. I'm sorry that it was too long, I'm sorry if it was too kind, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to protect the feelings of the OM and that I don't give a damn about the feelings of my H.<P>You know, I don't really care if I put love deposits in the OM's bank - To me the bank just doesn't exist. Thanks for the constructive criticism and I appreciate where you all are coming from - but you do not fully comprehend the moral anguish that I am in right now. Whether rational or irrational - I am sorry that I have compassion. The feelings I have today go beyond feeling bad that I had an affair - it goes to the core of my religious beliefs at this point. I'm looking at the big picture and I guess that's wrong - to feel sorry that another human being may not have eternal salvation because of me, what I did, what we did.<P>Lord, knows I'm not perfect. And, I'm sorry that perhaps I didn't send the kind of letter you would have sent if you were in my position. The only cruise tickets I'm buying are for me and my H. This was my second no contact letter - there won't be a third, because I never intend to speak to him again.<P>I'm sorry if I'm not living up to your expectations of how things should be done. Guess I'll never be able to do things "the right way." Anyway, I guess I'm sorry I posted the letter. I'll go delete it because obviously it was just another piece of garbage coming out of the WS's mouth. . .I'm sorry to vent, but I guess some things should just be kept between me and my H. I was wrong to post something like this, here. I apologize. . .Maybe that's what I'll put on my gravestone someday - "She wasn't perfect, she was only sorry."

Wait a minute, SKM - none of us are in your shoes, and I, for one, am not close to helping my wife with such a letter, so perhaps I tend to be more bitter at the moment because I'm afraid I won't get that chance. I am the BS and maybe shouldn't have commented at all, because it's out of my league. I commented because you asked for help, and I couldn't not reply to you because of all the help you've given me.<P>Please know we're with you and we may not always understand each other's exact situation.<P>WAT

SKM,<P>I thought the letter good, wish you hadn't deleted it. I v'e never written a letter to the OW or has she to me. Although we haven't been contacting each other I wonder if it needs to be done for emotional closure- or should I let it Ly. relax SKM. your letter suits the purpose and suit you. that is what is important...!!

SKM:<P>I'm sorry that you felt that you were picked on. You posted something here and asked for advice. You got it.<P>It's got nothing to do with you personally---I don't see one person judging who you are. But you did say that you wanted to send a "no-contact" letter to the OM to make sure that there was no contact: and the advice you got was to help bring that point across.<P>My wife NEVER sent a no contact letter---and I don't sit and beat her up for it. <P>You really need to lose this guilt you're feeling, gain some self-esteem, and ENJOY trying to repair your marriage. While I can't fully comprehend the internal suffering and struggles that you're dealing with, I sure as hell recognize them in what I've dealt with my wife. I don't have any great advice on how to get you to forgive yourself; but the sooner you do, the better it'll be for you, your husband, and your marriage.

SKM,<P>Your 2nd NC letter was deleted before I had a chance to read it, but I do have some insight on this?<P>When my H ended the A with the OW, he took her to a secluded place to "let her down easy", to say he was sorry for the pain he caused her, etc. At the time his self-esteem was so very low and he was striking rock bottom and feeling extremely worthless as a human being. He felt he "owed" her a soft let-down.<P>Unfortunately, this was a HUGE mistake, because at the time, he did not realize that it was giving her the false impression that he had feelings for her that were unresolved, that he cared about her. My H is the type of person who has genuine concern for fellow human beings but she didn't interpret his actions in this fashion. She thought that he was torn in his feelings for her.<P>Proof of that came when she contacted him repeatedly, suggesting that he still cared for her and that he really didn't want to end their relationship. It got to the point of harrassment, as she would corner him at work, as as neither desire for this to go public due to future employment considerations, he was trapped into listening to her tirades.<P>Luckily, he very quickly and clearly saw how she'd used his sympathy to try to manipulate and control him and force feelings onto him that he really didn't have.<P>On the last occasion, so far, that she has confronted him yet again on this topic, he stated very clearly he was NOT in love with her, that it was a MISTAKE, that he's committed to his marriage and is in love with his wife, and that there is NOTHING that will change his mind (not her threats of going public, not her threats of being pregnant, not her threats of seeking or not seeking an abortion) and that there is no more to discuss on the matter.<P>He realized himself, that there cannot be an "easy" let down, to soften the ending of the A. It has to be cut and dried and to the point. It has to be without sympathy and it has to show clearly that the WS is NOT interested in the future of the OP and adamantly desires no further contact for life. To do otherwise, would actually be the cruel thing to do. To do otherwise would be very misleading to the OP.<P>The OW in our situation has shown no remorse whatsoever for what she has done and lays all blame for the tragic situation on my H. At this point, it's hard to feel compassion for an individual who feels no remorse for intentionally causing so much pain, for trying to break up a marriage and family, who is so self-centered and with so little regard for fellow human beings to have done this most wretched of things.<P>My H is so very sorry and regretful. I know it, I feel it, I believe it, because he has given me every evidence in his word and in his actions since D-day. Have I forgiven him? Yes. Am I still deeply hurt? Yes. Am I still hesitant to fully trust him? Yes. But, I still believe him and we are working so very hard to build a new relationship and put this behind us. Do I love him? I am so in love with this man that it encompasses every atom of my being and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be the source of his greatest happiness. And, he feels the same towards me.<P>If you truly want to rebuild your marriage and love and be loved, I so hope you will do whatever it takes in your letter to be direct, unemotional, and leave no false impressions, no matter how slight or small they may seem to you, with the OP.

Hi SKM,<P>I came upon this thread late, so I never got to see your letter before you deleted it. I'll tell you though, I've been so helped by your posts, that I want to make sure you don't run off based on the apparent negative response to your draft.<P>You know, I found a "no contact" letter that my W wrote to the OM; don't know if she ever sent it or not. It was the biggest pile of garbage crammed into a steamy love letter that I have ever seen. Started out with "my dearest darling OM", and went downhill. Well, she did squeeze in a phrase about needing to stop things between them, followed directly by "I'd understand if you didn't wait for me", "I ache for you and think about 24 hours a day", "perhaps we'll be together if not in this life then in next". Joy!<P>Anyway, my point is that a no contact letter needs to be simple and to the point, the point being "no contact" rather than "you're so special". Even if there are residual feelings, a no-contact letter is not the place to bring them up, since that only creates a Greek-tragedy atmosphere.<P>SKM, please don't be upset at some of the responses you got. I think we BS's are extremely (overly?) sensitive to any kindness from the WS to the OP, so that's probably what you saw.<P>I do hope you stick around and keep posting; you've been a true inspiration to me and to others!<P>AGG

Hi SKM,<P>I too missed the 2nd draft. However, as a BS, I'm not offended by your concern for the OM, and for the damage you've done, but suspect that it may be kinder to the OM to keep it along the lines which others have suggested. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SKM:<BR><B><BR>The feelings I have today go beyond feeling bad that I had an affair - it goes to the core of my religious beliefs at this point. I'm looking at the big picture and I guess that's wrong - to feel sorry that another human being may not have eternal salvation because of me, what I did, what we did.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As someone who is probably similar to you in beliefs, I wonder if an awareness of the effects of sin, and of your sorrow (repentance if you prefer) for your actions, is not the best lasting impression to leave with the OM. It might be the thing most likely to cause him to see a need for a spiritual awakening. Someone else will have to lead him to that spiritual enlightenment-prayer is probably your best role here.<P>Also, I'd say that it's good to be sorrowful for such actions for a time. However, as I understand it, the true sorrow (repentance) should in time lead to joy and life. You'll have to discern whether what you're feeling is leading to good things, or just to more pain for you.<P>Anyway, enough advice. The most important thing I wish to offer is prayers and empathy. If my advice is not helpful, I hope the prayers and empathy are, and that you can find comfort from them.<P>And, as someone who has mostly just lurked until recently, I think that there are A LOT more people than you realize who have benefitted from your past posts. I hope that this also is of some comfort.<P>God bless.

Hi SKM,<P>I didn't get to see your letter. I really don't care. Are you happy with it? Is your H happy with it? Do you think the OM will get the message that you want no further contact with him no matter how sporadic it has been?<P>If the answer is yes, the God Bless.<P>SKM, I realize that you still feel great guilt. I realize that you love your H very much. I have no knowledge of where the OM sets in your life other than you have cut him out of it. <P>But you may be surprised to know, that I don't think of you as the WS or your H as the BS. You have helped so many people here. You have come to understand so much. I view you and your H as a "just" a couple learning how to love each other and dealing with marriages as most do.<P>Yes, I am aware that this not an event that either of you will forget, that is good. But don't you think at this point the focus should just be on you and your H and your future?? I do!<P>You are a good woman and no less an authority on this subject than your H as determined as much. Indeed, he is so firmly convinced that you are a good woman, that he married you and he has remained married to you. He is happily doing it. He is doing it for himself. He loves you, he loves being around you, and he loves what you do for him.<P>SKM, the OM can do you no damage unless you allow it. Do something for yourself. Enjoy and love your H, enjoy and love being together. <P>It is time that you moved from your sackcloth and ashes and celebrated your life.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I had a chance to read the letter. I thought it was articulate, to the point, and communicated the no contact message very well.<P>As a MB member who is a BS, I know how sensitive we can be toward WS's and the OP. For me this forum allows me to understand the common things we all share. The pain, anger, frustration and depression from an A are well represented here. What has little representation is the experience of the WS.<P>Many of us have all gotten great value from SKM postings. She is here because she cares about us. Her soul is driven to make peace, not only within herself and in her marriage, but with others that have been damaged by similar actions. Her brief posts have given me a needed insight into the feelings and emotions of a WS. My W is experiencing similar remorse. I rejoice that she is there, but there are many things about her behavior I still don't understand, yet have to deal with. One more reason I welcome SKM's perspective.<P>As each of us read her letter, I'm sure we superimposed our situation over it and editied according to what we would have said and how we would have said it if we were writing. But to whom? OUR OP...most likely someone we would rather see drop from the face of the earth than give the time of day. <P>So it can be easy to believe the letter is too long, too nice, or too something for each of us. But what did she really say?<P>She said:<P>1. I regret this time with you. It was a mistake, a sin.<BR>2. I love my husband very much and he did not deserve what we did to him.<BR>3. We can never be friends. <BR>4. Do not contact me again.<BR>5. I have asked God's forgiveness for what I have done.<P>Because she forgave him for his part in the A and wished him well does not dilute the core message of her letter in which she stated some of the above points more than once.<P>SKM needed to say those things and she needed to say them in a way that was meaningful to her. It was her way of putting this behind her, destroying the demon and moving forward. It was here only because she needed to share it with us, not as a textbook way to write a no contact. <P>As for a proper way to write a no contact...I don't believe one exists. There are certainly suggestions, ideas, and opinions about what one should contain, but each one of us is different, each crisis unique, and each should be handled in its own way. <P>Again, SKM needed to do what it took to put it behind her. She did it well. Even though no one meant any ill will or deliberately tried to be harsh with her, I feel badly she was made to feel ashamed of the letter...enough to delete it.<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by Dynamo (edited December 07, 2000).]

Hi SKM,<P>Unfortunately, I did not get to read your second no contact letter. I am wondering what spurred your decision to compose another one - did I miss something here? He's not getting the hint or what?<P>I can't offer you and opinion on your letter, although I'd like to help you in any way I can. Why did you delete it? Because of what some people here were saying? One thought I have on that, SK - I have ripped up more letters and ramblings I have written that recorded my feelings about what I was doing at the time. Now I wish I hadn't done that - I could read it now (garbage or not) and maybe better understand what I was thinking then. Especially since I wasn't doing a whole lot of thinking then. Maybe saving it would have done the same for you.<P>I don't know if you have a way of re-posting it, but I'd sure love to see it and offer my honest thoughts on it. <P>Carrie