Husband had/has an affair that started approx. 3 months ago. Says it has ended...does not see her. Not really sure that's true,(really don't think it is)but am not calling him on it. They work at the same company, different departments.<P>He has not moved out, has gone to counseling w/me twice (recently). Does not care for counselor, will not find another.<P>Anyway, where we are now is that he says he has NO feelings for me at all.<BR>He doesn't want me to touch him, etc. Occasionally have sex, only when he wants it.<P>Doesn't really want to try, says he is all tried out, (he has apparently been trying to work this out on his own)..I made the analogy of a person who is not a doctor trying to set their own broken bone.<P> Where do I go from here? He is only staying because I asked him to. He says that I put a lot of emotional pressure on him, by wanting to talk about our relationship, by trying to meet his needs, etc. <P>The problem is if he won't let me meet his needs, how can I create love<BR>again? I feel like time is running out. If he feels nothing for me, he won't stay here forever while I try and fill his "love bank", and he won't tell me what his needs are, or let me meet them....<P>Whew, where does that put me?

BlueDays - it puts you right here with us where you can get some help from others in situations similar to your own.<P>In the near term, immediately stop putting any pressure on him - especially talk about your relationship. This will only drive him further away.<P>If you haven't already done it, get a copy of Surving An Affair and read it completely. Then read it again.<P>Then look at yourself and try to figure out what needs of his you weren't meeting. Don't be too concerned that he says he has no feelings for you - this statement, in its various forms, is universal coming from WSs early in an affair.<P>Find out from this site about Plan A and B, start Plan A and give him some space. Then read everything on this forum and learn from the others. Post specific questions, and don't allow yourself to wallow in self pity. If you feel that coming, ask for advice here.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT

Blue Days,<P>First, your H agreed to stay and that is a huge step. He may "say" he doesn't love you but may simply be emotionally drained from his efforts to end the affair, etc. I agree that you should not press the issue too much with him at the moment, even though it is hard for you not to. <P>Get the book WAT talked about and His Needs, Her Needs go through them together if he is willing. Counceling was a good start, if he will continue with it. God Bless. And always remember to take care of you first. <BR>Sil

I have HN,HN as well as Surviving an Affair. (plus several other of Dr.H's books). I have read them all at least once, and several of them more than once (SA is one of them I have read multi times)<P>I am doing plan A right now.<P>This started with a failure of me to meet his sexual needs, due to his failing to meet my need for affection. <P>I almost had an affair myself, realized where that friendship was headed and reinvested in my marriage. Sadly, it was too late, damage was done.<P>The more space I have given him, the further he seems to go into withdrawal. And the worse the relationship looks to him.<P>When he first told me about the OW (I knew something was going on), he said that he wasn't sure what he wanted, or how he felt.<P>Then approx. a week later, he said he thought he still loved me.<P> Now 3 months later, he says that he woke up one day this past summer and didn't love me anymore.<P>I just feel like the more space he gets, the worse our marriage looks to him.<P>I also feel that I am running out of time.<P>He won't let me meet any of his needs, as they all seem to be irritating behaviors. <P>So what do you do when all you do is an annoying behavior?<P>We are in seperate bedrooms (his choice), so clearly the sex need is right out. Now I miss it too.<P>He swears he is not having sex with anyone right now. I believe that. <P>He says he isn't seeing the OW at all, and this one I don't believe.He has said he wasn't seeing her at all before, but when we went to counseling, he said that he had seen her a few times (non sexually).<P>*sigh*<P>Blue

Don't despair. Here's my story as briefly as possible: I went away for afew days with my Mom. Came home and H was acting very weird. We had a minor argument afew days later and he just blew it way out of proportion. Something just wasn't right. I came home from the store one day and he was out, was gone for a long time. I had a "feeling". I picked up the phone, pressed redial. A woman answered, I asked for his former secretary (only single woman I'd ever heard him mention). It was her. I almost died. He had no reason to be in contact with this person, she no longer worked at his company. I said "this is MM's W, I just wondered why my H would be calling you" she started saying "I have no idea, I havne't talked ot him since I quit blah blah" Was very rude to me. Liar, liar pants on fire. H came home. I asked him why he was calling bimbo. First he went ghostly white. I never did tell him how I knew. then he got very defensive, told me they were "good friends" and still talked about once a week or so. Hmm. She said she hadn't talked to him since she quit. Anyway I was the perfect W for the next few weeks. The nicer I was to him the meaner and more annoyed he was with me. He came home one night and announced he wanted a divorce. Said it had nothing to do with OW, he hadn't spoken to her again (he moved in with her shortly after). He said "I don't love you anymore, getting married was a mistake, there is NO WAY we will ever get back together..." All kinds of stuff like that. I was crushed. <P>He moved out. Lied about getting his own apt. Denied relationship with OW the entire 5 months we were separated. I began Plan A. I would be sweet to him when we saw each other, send him little cards at work, nothing too pushy. Just to make it clear that I still loved him and the door was still open. the first 6 weeks were like beating my head against the wall. One night he stopped to pick up something. Being a d--k as usual. Befoer he left I asked him for a hug. He reluctantly agreed, but when he came over to hug me he hugged me really hard fro a long time. Then he said, to my shock, "I just need more time". From then on his demeanor changed towards me. We went through another few months of him going back and forth, a big emotional rollercoaster. It wasn't easy, but eventually he made his decision. He wanted me, he still loved me. 18 months later we are very happy. Things are better than they ever were before. we are closer than ever, communicate so much better. It's like a whole new marriage. Keep in mind this from a man who said we would NEVER get back together. Don't give up. It' s really hard, but it can work out. Best wishes to you!<p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited December 07, 2000).]

I can certainly relate to you. After my H told me about the affair he also told me that he didn't think he loved me and that he's only stayed with me out of guilt. The affair was 8 years ago. I felt sick that he stayed with me out of guilt. He has been in withdrawal period of 5 weeks. He won't touch me, is not interested in sex and has been sleeping at his office. He also told me that I put too much pressure on him to provide happiness or to fix my problems. I have stopped asking him for anything. I have been meeting his needs the best I can cooking nice meals and making the home peaceful for him. I make him coffee every morning. I rage with friends and in my journal and I remain sweet and respectful towards him--it's working. He's finally coming out of the fog and finally told me he was sorry and crying. I also started counseling with H and he stopped going, but I have kept going for me and that really helps. Dont' stop the counseling and work on yourself during this time and do things that you enjoy with friends, etc.. that really helps. Take care and God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>

Dear Bluedays,<P>If there is one thought you should take away from this forum it is that WSs in the fog say all sorts of things that they don't mean. They act on impulse and don't seem to weigh their words or actions.<P>My H told me over a year ago that we had problems. I confirmed at least an EA in May. During that whole year he never gave me any verbal signs that anything was getting better even though I was Plan Aing myself to death. Then, the day that he was supposed to move out, he had his first "out of the fog" experience. During the last month and a half he has come in and out of the fog many times. When he is out of the fog he says really nice things and acts and sounds a lot like the man I married. When he is in the fog, he says the craziest things that cut to the bone, although I don't think he means them to be cruel. He is just not able to focus on anyone but himself when he is in the fog.<P>One of the things that really made a big impact on my H was reading SAA. He was struck that they seemed to be so able to describe what he was feeling and thinking. I think it helped him see that maybe he wasn't so unique.<P>Don't despair. Things are still early for you and you have some hopeful signs. Keep posting.