You deleted your second "no contact" letter before I got a chance to read it, so I can't really comment on it. But some of the things that you said, and the anguish with which you said them, made me sad, so I thought I'd respond -- mostly just to ramble sympathetically. Bear in mind that I really only know the "you" that you present here, which is just a sliver of who the real "you" is, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.<P>I know how awful you've felt over your A. You've expressed that over and over here, and I think YOU know that I can understand, and share, the depth of the shame, hurt and humiliation that goes with having been a WS. I also suspect that for you, the grief goes even deeper than the hurt that you caused your H -- it extends to the hurt you caused your relationship with God, and to the hurt you caused your OM's relationship with God. I don't think anyone here doubts those feelings.<P>I also know how difficult it's been for you over these past few weeks with the renewed contact from the OM. And I understand all about THAT, too. I basically live in fear of contact from the OW. I've received occasional e-mails from her because I'm apparently still in her "Contacts" folder (can't block them without talking to our system administrator and explaining why, which would be awkward). I don't read them and delete them, but every one freezes my heart. And when my heart un-freezes, it just sinks because I know I'm going to have to tell my W about it, and bring all the crap to the surface again. It's just depressing.<P>I don't think anyone here doubts your commitment to your marriage, or thinks that you're still harboring fantasies about the OM. But I do get an odd sense sometimes when you write about the OM. You are, in a word, almost tender.<P>By "tender," I don't mean "loving." I don't mean that you're seeking out contact with the OM, or are re-considering your decision to remain with your H. I know that's not the case. And I know that you don't WANT to ever talk to the OM again. But I do sometimes get the sense that you find it difficult to really close the door on him in a way that rings with finality. You seem to prefer the slow ride off into the sunset over the "leave me alone, k?" approach.<P>I'm not sure if that springs from your guilt over what happened, or from basic human decency towards another person that you feel you treated poorly, or from something else. You've said before that the A happened at a time when you didn't feel so great about yourself, and he made you feel special, desirable, lovable, etc. Perhaps now that in some ways you feel even WORSE about yourself, you're reluctant to make the cleanest break possible from someone who at least likes you. <P>I know that I still have a problem viewing the OW as a "bad" person. I view MYSELF as horrible, as a betrayer of not only my W but of the feelings that someone else developed for me. I was mean, I took advantage, I was selfish, etc. She was just a younger woman who fell for someone she shouldn't have. I was the one with the commitment, etc.<P>I was moaning about this to a very good friend once (the best man at my wedding, who is the only person I've told about the A other than my W). He stopped me, and said, "why are you so sorry for her? She knew what the deal was, didn't she? She couldn't have expected anything from you, could she?" It really made me stop and think.<P>For me, the key is to remember that you should only feel bad for things that YOU did, choices that YOU made. You mentioned in the post in which you retracted your no-contact letter that you were feeling intense remorse that someone might miss out on salvation because of what YOU did. That's impossible. God doesn't hold anyone accountable for the sins of others. Your OM made the choice to be with you when he knew what that meant. He was an adult, and if he's to merit any punishment or consequences for that action, in this life or in the next, he'll have only himself to blame. If he spends his life pining for you rather than moving on, that's his problem and his fault.<P>Of course, in fact, I don't think the consequences of the affair will be quite that serious for your OM. I know that I tended to inflate the importance of my EA/one-nighter for the OW when I was in the midst of beating myself up over it -- how could anyone EVER recover from a fling with ME after all?!? But don't worry, SKM, he won't be damned for it, his life won't fall apart, and after a few more months of no contact he'll go his merry way.<P>I'm not sure where all this is going, if indeed it's going anywhere. I'm sure I've pegged you all wrong in a thousand spots here. I guess I just felt sympathy, and empathy, for you as you struggled with this re-contact and the attempt to write a "no contact" letter. You're not alone; plenty of us have been where you are. You're not a bad person, either; if anything, your difficulty in writing the "no contact" letter shows that you care maybe even TOO much about people. <P>You've done virtually everything in your recovery in a way that most BSs on this board would kill to see from their own WSs. As long as you and your H wrote the "no contact" letter together, and agreed on what it should say, you've done it "right" (although I think that if you were overly kind it might not be the last time you hear from the OM).<P>You'll get through this, too, SKM. The OM will go away, the hurt will fade. You're on the right track, and chugging ahead. Take care.<P>

Tax, what is the name of SKM's post?<P>

Khyra,<P>It is second no contact letter or something very close to that. It is a few posts down from the top.<P>JL

Hi guys.<P>I put myself on a little self-imposed time-out for the weekend. I felt like I got a little too defensive last week, I got ugly - or at least didn't "control" myself very well. So, I took the day off from work on Friday and made it a long weekend.<P>Just so you know, my H didn't want to "help" write the no contact letter. He kept saying over and over that he trusted me to say what I needed to say and get this behind us. I let him read the letter, and it was sent last week. When I posted the letter, it was after the fact - after I had sent it to the OM. I wasn't really looking for ways to improve it, just thought maybe I'd just get a little encouragement. The only people who know about my A are me, my H and the OM (and the people on this site ). So, I guess I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest.<P>Taxman, Khyra, JL - I saw your responses to the other thread - even though I was on a "timeout" - I still lurked over the weekend. I hesitate to post this stupid thing again, but before you read it - I guess you just need to know that my H really approved of the letter - he had nothing bad to say about it. He liked the fact that I referenced his name so many times in the letter with love and affection. My H is aware of the type of remorse I am feeling (was feeling) when I wrote the letter. So, he understood and liked everything I had to say. . .For me, I was feeling bad that I may have caused someone else to sin. I know the other man is responsible to God for HIS actions, but I still felt, just sad. Not that I will never talk to this guy again, not over the lost friendship, not over the fact that I cannot "stay in touch" with him - I've just never run into a situation where I cannot be "friends" with someone. I mean, out of all of the people in the world, there's this one person who I can't even say hi to - and I understand the reasons, don't get me wrong - it's just a form of regret over my actions - like you said Taxman - that goes just a little deeper. For me, the letter I wrote helped me to "close the circle." I needed to write it this way, so that I could have closure. <P>So, for you guys, if you want to read it, here it is. . .<P>OM (no dear OM, no nothing, just his name) - Hi. I guess I have a lot of things I need to say to you, and I really don't know where to begin. When I sent you a message over eight months ago, telling you that I could not talk to you - because I loved R and I<BR>wanted to work out our problems - well, I meant that,and I still do.<P>Please let me explain. To you, I guess, "things got a little crazy." (This is what the OM wrote to me, that he was sorry things got a little crazy). For me, I broke a sacred vow to the person I love most in this world. I committed adultery, and I'm not proud of that in any way. For the past eight months, things have been a little more<BR>than crazy for me. When I told R what had happened between you and I, I felt so sleazy. I hated the lying, the cheating behind his back and I regret everything that happened between us. Telling my husband that I had cheated on him was the hardest<BR>thing I have ever had to do, and I really don't know why it happened in the first place. I was raised in a good family, with good values. I never cheated in school. I may not have been the brightest kid on the block, but I always had my integrity and self-respect. So, not only did I break a promise that as supposed to last a lifetime, I really didn't even know who I was anymore -and I hated the kind of person I had become.<P>For a long time, I felt like this huge failure. Even though I went to confession and I know that I've been forgiven by God and by R, I felt pretty worthless for a long time. I pretty much cried non-stop for several months over this horrible mistake I had made. It was an affair, and that's more than "a little crazy" for me. For a long time, I couldn't even stand to look at<BR>myself in the mirror. Only by the grace of God and R's support am I even here to write this message to you. I've been given more than a second chance - I've been given a clean slate, a fresh start. And, I simply cannot do anything that would compromise that.<BR>><BR>>Please understand. You and I had a relationship that I deeply regret. It caused R and myself an enormous amount of pain and sorrow that we are just now<BR>beginning to recover from. Since the last time I saw you in April, I have been trying to repair the damage that my actions caused my marriage. Every time you contact me, it causes more unnecessary pain for both me and for R. Every time you call or write, I'm<BR>reminded of the worst mistake I have ever made in my life; I'm reminded of how ugly my character was at that point; and I regret all the time I wasted on a selfish indulgence that R never deserved.<P>I love R very much and over the past several months our marriage has become stronger than ever. I love him more today than on the day I married him. He is the love of my life and I will not do anything that would be disrespectful to him or to our marriage again. My relationship with you was cruel and he did not deserve to be treated that way. I love R with all of my heart and I do not want to do anything that will hurt him or risk our happiness together. Out of<BR>respect and love for R, I have come to realize that I must never talk to you again.<P>If I said anything to lead you to believe that we can be friends, I am truly sorry. It is my fault. I crossed that line a long time ago and it can never be un-done. Please know that I take full responsibility<BR>for all of my actions. But, you need to understand that what we did was horribly wrong and caused great harm to me, R, and possibly to you, too. For that, I am sorry and hope that YOU can forgive me, too, for<BR>not being able to do the right thing when I needed to.<P>Please do not ever try to contact me again. I can never forget what happened, but the only way I can live with such a horrible mistake, is to put it behind me, to become the kind of wife that R deserves and to<BR>become the kind of person I want to be.<P>I pray that you find the kind of love with someone that I have with R. Then, someday, maybe you'll understand why I cannot keep in touch with you. I'm sure you will meet and have many friends in your lifetime, I just cannot be one of them now. I wish you health and happiness, success in your new job, and warmth in your new home. I ask that God grant you the peace and mercy he has graciously given to me. I am sorry, for everything, so please forgive me, but this is the way it has to be.<P>Take Care,<P>SKM<P>A little history, the first no contact letter was sent over 8 months ago. It was the short, to the point, leave me alone I love my H kind of "textbook" letter. There was no contact for two months - then the OM called. I mistakenly responded to his contacts for about two weeks (my H knew this, but never felt like I was "contacting him" and didn't see a problem with it). The OM jokingly invites me to his hotel room, I knew we couldn't be "friends." So I didn't talk to him for over four months. He called just before Thanksgiving to chit chat. My H and I decided just to ignore it and hoped that my icy treatment would send a message - it did. OM emails me wondering what the problem is, that he misses me and wants to know how I'm doing. Thus, the generation of a second no contact letter. Since the short version didn't work before, I thought if I gave him a little taste of my "remorse" that may be that would persuade him to leave me alone. Too tender? I don't think so, but someone else - who isn't inside my head - may think so.<P>Anyway, thanks (tax, khyra and JL) for your encouragement and support. It does mean a lot to me. <P><BR>

Dear SKM,<P>Wow. Very well stated. Thanks for letting us read that again. I did not see a single mushy, sentimental word or phrase in there. <P>What in the world was K getting his shorts in a knot over?<P>Well, your H is truly a unique and strong individual. He must love you very much. (I know because I feel the same way about mine!) I'm certain it must hurt him a great deal each time the OM tries to contact you again. While I think your letter is appropriate and articulate, I believe that after awhile I personally might become quite hostile and aggressive towards the OM if he were pulling the same crap as he is on you two. I admire the calm, quiet strength you and your H have displayed so frequently. <P>SKM, you are well known as one of the few best recovered individuals here on this board. Don't let anyone ever try to tell you different, girl. We can never take back what we did, but we have learned a sad, sore lesson and are ready, willing and able to make things work better this time. We treasure our marriages in a deeper level than before, and know ourselves more deeply as well. <P>Sorry. My son has something to tell you too:<P>., P/`4AQZ ?XXCCCCCC,<P>So there. (He's 4 mos old and thinks he can type) <P>Khyra<P>& Andy

Khyra - Thanks. I needed that today. And for your son, tell him <P>/?#xxoougetu***xxxoooo'su (Translation: Never question the hugs and kisses you get, your mommy loves you. - See I can speak baby, too).