How do we all manage to keep going on?<P>How did those of you that seem to have it together get there? Time? Is that the key?<P>I have been handling things here at home with my three teenagers pretty much totally on my own. My youngest child is having a lot, I mean a lot of problems. Depression is very bad for him. I've been handling all of this on my own..I mean without H being involved, because he does not live here and I just don't see how he could understand all of it. There have been tests, phschologists, doctors, counselors, and now a physchiatrist...and medication. I thought it was time to let H in on all of this. I left him a voice mail the night before the phychiatrist appt. to update him. I got lambasted big time.<P>He has never yelled at me like this before. He wants to know every detail...wants to be at every appt...and damn it, he does not understand that this is ABOUT him...my son told dr. he has wanted to kill himself since his dad left. How could he say that with dad sitting there in the room? He is going to start playing hard ball...demanding more time with the kids, more information. <P>I can't help it...this is MINE now. I can't operate this way. I don't want to depend on H for anything...just financial support. Every time we talk I hurt. I'm just better knowing that it's just me and the kids now.<P>Of course we got on the subject of OW. I told him that I ran into her ex and he informed me that H was planning on starting the divorce. My H said he as absolutley not even given a divorce a thought and she was lying to him. He was very upset about this. He said their relationship (his and ow's) is very "surface" and they have never spoken about him getting a divorce.<P>He told me two weeks ago that he had deep feelings for her.....ARGHHHHHH.<P>When I pushed him a bit on his feeling for her, he just said there was a lot I didn't understand. For a minute I thought maybe she was pregnant...but Thank God no. <P>I think the OW he originally told me about, the doctor he was with for two years never existed. I think he made it all up to throw me off the track and it was this office-mate all along. I can find out with one phone call, supposedly the OW's sisters number, but I'm afraid to call.<P>Ok, want me to add total chaos here...I had a date last night. I met him on (ugh!) the internet, not at MB...and met him for drinks. He was wonderful, funny, warm, secure, very much "my type". Just what I need, huh? I pray one minute that he'll call me, and the next that he won't. Just a hug at the end, nothing physical. I have no idea where this will go.<P>I am afraid to love my husband. I think we are so far away from any kind of resolution to our problems...well the path back seems like it would go on forever. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My H loves his job, he is his job. OW is at his job. Even if it didn't work out with them, I don't think he'd ever leave his place of business. How could I ever...ever face anyone there again if the impossible happened and he wanted me again? So much has been thrown into this now that it would just be easier to give up than to keep loving him. And I do love him so very much.<P>This balancing act is getting old and I'm teetering.<P>allison

Allison, I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go thru all of this. I don't know all of your story, but I do know that you have to take care of yourself, if nothing else for your children. I also almost lost myself going thru all of this. I refuse to. We can only do our part, thier choices are still thiers. Take care of yourself. Jenni

Allison, I am so sorry you are going through this. And I am especially sad for your son and know exacttly what you are going through with your kids.<P>Your H is in some kind of crisis ML most likely and has compartmentalized every aspect of his life. It is probably true that he isn't going to do anything about the D. So try to stop focusing on the OW and their relationship, which I know is very hard to do.<P>Keep focusing on yourself, your health, your kids and their health and set the boundaries you can to maintain that at all costs.<P>It is OK for you to set boundaries. It is OK for you to ask to have your life the way you want it to be.<P>In this state "they" seem to believe that noone else exists in their lives but themselves. That noone else is effected by their actions. I believe that this is their "reality". But they are not living in the rational world. But we are, and we have to.<P>Set your boundaries lovingly. Do not get into his drama. If he gets upset simply say you are sorry he is upset.. Don't feel the need to defend yourself or your actions. <P>Just do it...in the famous words of NIKE.<P>Two choices regarding your son. If he wants to be informed you can simply defer him to his counselor. That's how my counselor says to do it. She says she is available for him to discuss the kids issues. My D had her dad for one session and the counselor said he didn't want to KNOW what was going on with the her anyway. What she meant was that he was NOT HEARING IT> He can't. It would be too devastating for him and he is not ready.<P>Just defer calmly to your S.s counselor. Hand him the phone number and tell him she will meet with him to discuss the issues. If he does not want to go to a session with your S he can just meet with her.<P>My kids will not tell their dad theri true feelings either. They do not want to upset the apple cart. It is very difficult for them. They are the innocents whose world has been ripped away and replaced with a lie.<P>Your s's couselor will know how to handle it.<P>Now that I am thinking aobut it, that is most likely the only way to deal with it. <P>Don't be the "explainer". It just takes him off the hook. I stopped doing that a long time ago.<P>A way to set that boundary for you is too say "I'm sorry you are so upset about this." "You have a lot going on in your life right now and so do we" "I am dealing with S the best way I can right now" and leave it at that.<P>Do not begin to explain to him that he is a part of the problem. You don't need to explain how he left and left you with all the problems. Just exert alittle control into your own life. You can do it without telling him he is not needed or that he is too needed. Just that you are dealing with it in the way you see fit. End of story.<P>Good luck.

Excellent advice from tootrusting. If your husband is willing to take part in getting help for your son I really think you need to let him, for your son's sake. He needs to hear what his behavior is doing to his son and it's best not coming from you. Please, please try to put your feelings aside for your son's sake and focus on helping him. Ya know, I knew this couple that divorced and their son was having a terrible time with it. They ended up moving in together again for the sake of their son. Guess what? Eventually they fell back in love and have been re-married for 20 years now!! If he wants to be involved let him. Your doing a good job. Your getting help for your son and that is a fantastic thing!

Oh, Allison...that sucks!<P>I'll just second what Tootrusting said. I don't think I have anything more to add on that subject.<P>I'm glad to hear your date went well. Even though you'll probably be lambasted by hard-core MBers (like me), you need to take care of you for awhile.<P>Still looking forward to January!<P>cj<BR>

Allison,<BR>I want to reply, but I dont know what to say.<BR>I don't know how to hang on much longer either, I don't feel like I have it together at all. <P>I do know I am vunerable and needy right now, and that is my concern about dating for any of us. We are used to a close intimate relationship, and I think it is easy to fall into a part of that too quickily. And I know it would only take a man who was breathing and not abusive to look like a million percent better than my H. So my judgement is pretty poor right now. So please be careful.<P>I don't know what to do about my H, I feel like the only one who is so pathetic her H won't even talk to me. But I guess it is easier too, because I am doing my own thing, managing my life, doing what I want.<P>I want out of here tho...I have been here a year, and I still don't have the great advice to give, still struggling.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Don't let this define who you are. I know, that sounds impossible but you are stronger than what can happen to you hon.<P>Damn, I sound like a Hallmark Card.<P>You are smart Lora, to know it's not time for you to get involved. We are all struggling here hon, and dating is just a distraction. I know, playing with fire and all that, and I know it's not right...I admire you for your strenght and maturity.<P>Do you have any idea how excited I am to meet you...and it's just a month away!!! <P>Lora, the holidays are the pits. We all have so many memories of the good ones. If I had one wish, it'd be that today would be December 26th. <P>I don't know what to tell you. Plan B is the only way for you to go right now. You have got to know that OW can not possibly meet all the needs of your husband. We don't know how our stories will end, but I have started to accept the way things are, and it feels good to let myself do so. I fought acceptance hard, panicked before I let myself get here. I got desperate with H, and made a fool of myself. I can't say I care less, but I guess I"m just beginning to realize that there is no use for two lives to be ruined here...he can not take me down with him.<P>You are doing just great...so strong, you have been an example to me. You have literally let him go, to see if he'll come back and in doing so you have given him a gift...time.<P>Please realize that you're doing all the right things, and as much as it hurts, your heart is in there healing itself little by little...when (I HOPE) he comes back you'll be ready.<P>allison

AWWW Allison,<BR>You made me cry, see, it doesnt take much to make me feel someone cares. I hope I don't fall in love with you. LOL<P>I have a funny story to tell, I have a friend who is keeping me updated on some other friends of hers that are going through a seperation headed for divorce. No OW involved that she knows of, but of course I have my suspicions.<P>Anyway, the wife has started to date, and they went to a concert. Guess who was there? Her H, her counseler,and her massage therapist! Talk about too small a town! <BR>Made me laugh anyhow.<BR>Lora

Oh man..what a nightmare. I live in fear of seeing H and OW together. Don't know what I'd do.<P>LOL...Jo said last night I was Plan A'ing her. Good thing we know we like men, cuz we probably would be falling for each other. You are too funny.<P>Try to have a good day today hon. I'll make you a deal. You do something wonderful for yourself today and so will I. Ok, report back tomorrow and tell me what you did ok?<P> allison

I know what you mean, I went shopping in the town he moved to and I was looking over my shoulder the whole time, afraid I would see his truck.<P>OK, I will take you up on your deal..<BR>Have a great day.<BR>Lora

Allison - I don't know what to add. You're demonstrating a lot of strength and I bet you have more. Please hang in there.<P>Thanks for your nice words on crick's post. Be there for your kids, but we need you here, too.<P>WAT