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Joined: Nov 2000
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It's been Monday since I've posted. I've been lurking though. Thanks for the call Mike; I couldn't really talk as my 14-year old daughter was awake (she doesn't know the details of what's going on, although I'm sure that she senses the tension) and I got the feeling from my wife that she was extremely taken aback by you and I discussing details of her infidelity and my feelings regarding it. Anyway, I wish you luck in your recovery from the pain caused by your WS. The last 2 days (Wednesday and Thursday) have been BAD days. After the taping incident Sunday evening (in which I heard MY wife tell idiot OM that "he was all she thought about", her telling him to "don't touch her" - referring to his live-in, calling MY daughter "your daughter" to him, relating anectdotes of MY daughter's life to him as if she wanting him to be a part of MY daughter's life, and of course the exchange of "I love you"'s), I was SO determined to leave. She begged and begged and cried and cried for me to "give me one more chance", "she will get help", "she will fix it", etc. She also made love to me that night(rather passionately). I stayed; we also stayed home "sick" from work the next day and made more love (really good still) and talked alot (mostly me doing the talking) and she went to therapy. I let her know that OM had to be out of her life for me to give her another chance and she acted as if it would be as easy to do as spitting out a bad piece of liver. Something happened to me Tuesday evening though. I completed the emotional needs questionaire from the website and "I" realized how many of my ENs have not been met over the past by my WS. Again we had great sex Tuesday night, but not since. Very little physical contact at all, in fact. I'm just afraid that she has tried to manipulate me with the intimacy we've shared into believing that the A is over and that she really wants me only. So I made a conscious decision to stop being intimate with her. Although I was intimate with maybe a dozen people before my wife and I met, I never felt the way that I did/do with her. Hence, I always assumed that she was "the one for me", my soulmate. After completing the ENs questionaire though, I've started thinking, maybe she isn't my soulmate. For her to do the unthinkable and be with that sicko, I obviously don't mean as much to her as she does to me. And without the sex "blinding" me, I've come to the realization that maybe I'm simply not that happy to be around her, especially after this enormous betrayal. I am VERY close to leaving again. She insists that OM and she have not spoken since the taping incident, but she's obviously lying. I mean, she goes from 5-15 phone calls a day to him and then they exchange I love you and then they don't talk for 4+ days? Obviously, I don't trust her anymore after all of the lies and I'm in SUCH EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. Back to not eating, can only sleep with Xanax-assistance (and then it's difficult still). All that I can think about is her tongue in his mouth, his tongue in her mouth, him making love to her, her making love to him, them having "pillow talk" while he caresses her nude body in his arms and him in the passenger seat of MY WIFE'S car. I am an absolute mess. And she has the nerve to ask me in my depressed stste "what's wrong with you?", as if I'm sad about losing a computer game or something. I just want to put my hands on her shoulders, shake her and yell "Hello WS, I just found out 22 days ago that you have had an EA and 5 days ago that have had a PA with THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD THAT I HATE". As I told my therapist, I would have rather that she have given herself up to 10 guys in a cocaine-induced stupor that to give herself up to that idiot OM emotionally and physically. But she just doesn't get it. I think that she refuses to go to the "place" that she has put me in, because it's so bad. I'm not happy being around the kids anymore, I'm struggling to read SAA (especially since the name of the 3rd party in the case that he refers to in the book is the same name as the loser that has entered my wife's life), and I can barely function. The anti-d's aren't doing a thing, IMO I might as well be taking a sugar pill. Suicidal thoughts have entered the very back of my mind as well. But then I think to myself, "look you'd be happier without WS in your life. She does this, this, this and this that you don't like. Leave and go get over the pain of the A by falling in love with someone else." But there's the kids, the humiliation and stigma that goes with divorce and the fact that I THINK that I still love her. I know that I love being intimate with her. I just can't believe that I'm still at home. I feel so weak, gaunt, co-dependent, insecure and such self-pity. I think that maybe I haven't left yet because I've been with WS for 13+ years and wonder if I can function on my own. I turn 31 on the 12th and I just don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life being this miserable and wake up at age 40 and say, it's time to move on. I've got to know if I can survive without WS and kids. I've come up with a short-term plan. I'm going to go out of town tonight by myself and stay in a nice hotel in the town that WS and I went to college. I'm going to try to do the things that I've always liked to do without my spouse like workout, gamble on a few football games, drink a couple of Budweisers, read a novel or two, watch a few movies and see if I can get a smile on my face. Be care-free of no kids and no wife to remind me of the pain she's caused. Take my stereo and listen to some Cure, New Order, U2 and Catherine Wheel cds, turned up loud. See if I can be happy on my own. By late Sunday evening, I'll go home and either I put my heart into reconciliation with WS or I see a lawyer Monday morning. I know that I'm probably not giving this enough time, but I CAN NOT CONTINUE TO FEEL THIS PAIN. I have to get away from the temptation of love-making with WS, as I think that it is really clouding my thinking. Not to mention how weak, trashy and FILTHY I feel post-relations. I know that I'm probably throwing WS into the arms of idiot lover by being gone all weekend, but that's a decision that she has to make and live with. I'm not going to tape her or snoop in any other way because I'm confident that she will probably seek him out. Oh well, I've accepted that. I have to find out if there's enough fight in this dog to go on. Otherwise, I move on. Thanks for caring....<P>Brad

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Brad:<P>If you care about your kids, you'll give the Harley's a call immediately, and set up an appointment (888-639-1639). You're making all the classic mistakes for dealing with an affair, and although you may not believe it---your situation isn't all that bad. But you're going to make it much worse, and you will end up divorced if you continue on that.<P>Take it from someone who realized this: I knew if I were to deal with an affair on my own, I'd probably end up divorced. The first (and best) thing I did was to get Steve Harley on the phone as my counselor and coach. The second best thing I did was to take his advice.<P>You can beat this---but you're going to need the help and support of a pro. Please call; your children are certainly worth the time and effort. Your wife is too; although you may not feel that way at this minute.

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Brad,<P>I'm sorry that things are still so bad for you. And I know this is no consulation at all, but it's normal. I'm almost 3 months past d-day, and I still think about it at least 100 times a day. Thankfully though, it's no longer that crying, can't eat, sleep, or function obsessing about it anymore. It crosses my mind, I shake my head in disbelief, and then I go on. <P>I know the icky after sex feeling. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach, and then other times I feel better because I know what they had isn't what he has with me.<P>I think your idea to get away for a few days is probably a good one. You need some time to think without distractions. Just please don't let thoughts of revenge and payback cross your mind. It won't make you feel any better.<P>Give the anitdepressants more time. It takes a while, but they do help. thank goodness for xanex in the mean time. <P>I hope that somehow you can find a little happiness or at least distraction in your birthday on Tuesday. I'll be 30 on Monday, and I'm finding that this whole situation is making a birthday that I thought would pass without any feeling of getting "old" suddenly seem HUGE and daunting. I guess it's because I'll be the big "30" and my H went and had an affair with an 18 yo. <P>Try and enjoy your weekend.

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Brad - we do care!! How long have you been on the anti-deps? They will work in time and you'll feel a lot better. I see myself in your description 4 months ago (except for the sex) and I know you can hang on. I feel terrific now even though my wife moved out in August, but things for me may be beginning to change and my situation was worse than yours - although I know you feel miserable right now and don't want to hear that. But, it can happen for you, too!<P>Sure, go away for the weekend, but again, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!! This will make everything harder for you if you want to reconcile. <P>Don't do anything drastic with out some prefessional advice. Call the Harleys for an appointment.<P>WAT

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Hi Brad,<P>My wife took an OM, and I taped some of their sickening conversations, "I love you", "You looked good when I got you out of that pink dress", plotting how to evade detection, etc.. I blew a gasket on that day, but regained control of myself.<P>I know how you feel. But, MLC seems to make people insane for awhile.<P>I'd suggest you start with a separation, where you can do all the things you mention in your post, without inking the Big D. Shut her out of your life completely for a good while except for dealing with visitation and perhaps some finances. Although my WS and I are still very much in limbo, I think the separation has done us both a lot of good. Why rush into a D? Separation will eject her from your consciousness quite a bit. And I do find I kind of like my time alone to do whatever I want, and do some of the things I couldn't do before.<P>Give it some thought.<P>Survivin

Joined: Jan 2000
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I must agree with Survivin. My H now lives in another state. While we are not "separated" we are. He has been gone for a month and at first, 3-4 days, I was not happy. I can tell you that my H hasn't met my EN's for quite some time (into yrs now). And now 3000 miles away, there is little chance of it happening now (no signs of it so far). What this time means to me is that I am feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin. Let's face it, this is all about the WS. We become compulsive with thoughts of where they are, who they are with etc etc. I found myself rushing home to see if he was on the computer looking at sites he shouldn't be (in my opinion) and when I would learn he was I would get upset (because he is sneaking, hiding and denying it) I promise they are self destructing. I see my H doing it...and the benefit is he is now not taking me with him. I have lived alone for a month. Last night I took myself out for a chocolate shake after doing some Christmas shopping. I have decided that he is not going to break me, I won't allow it. For me it's been almost a year (Lord have Mercy) I understand this is new to you...I can assure you that we all expect so much of ourselves and our spouses during this time. Like discovery should shock them out of the fog...but we wouldn't all be here if it were true. I am not as staunch of a believer as some of the MBer's here and I applaud their courage in waiting it out. I too am 30, no kids (2 cats that are my kids [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) and look at this time now (it didn't start until 8 months after d-day) that this isn't about the WS...it really is about us the BS. Where is the line for you...I made a deal with myself,(in sept I was more calm rational...mostly rational) started writing in a journal and determined where that line is for me. It's not a matter of time, although I am aware (my sister pointed out to me so thoughtful she is is that when my H moved to FL and I didn't file for divorce she said that I was wasting time and aging... oh how we love our supportive families)of time it is not driving me. If my WS can't make an effort to mend this marriage, I am sorry all MBer's, then I need to move on. But I am not doing it while I am angry or distressed. So while still rambling, I hope this has helped. I understand your need to get away. But do it for you, not to show her or to prove something so early to yourself that you can live alone and make it...I know you can, you have been doing it for 31 years...my recommendation is to take care of you this weekend. I know it is hard, (I have fallen from the wagon many a times) but don't expect clarity on Sunday. It doesn't work that way. I say, rest this weekend. You need it...these things seem so unsurvivable when we are sleep and food deprived (20 pds for me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] and love those jeans I am into and the attention [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )Then baby steps. Start going to the movies alone...or maybe with the kids (don't only focus on the kids, that isn't healthy either) go window shopping just because...spend some time alone with you...and remove her ability to push your buttons. I would also not move out. She is the one who needs to...and remember it is her choice of her actions...You have no control over what she does. <BR>I am sorry for rambling...I just understand your pain...we all do. Vent here...you know we are here for each other.<BR>

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cpickel - you seem to be so in touch with what I'm feeling. As you said, so many of our fellow MBer's feel that we should Plan A, let the WS make their decision without outbursts and demands, etc. And that may be the only way to get on the narrow path to recovery that Mr. Harley talks about. But damn it, why should I continue to suffer while she continues to show no remorse? Yeah we all grieve in different ways, but I just feel that my WS is not taking this that hard. Comments like "couples go through things way worse than this" (which other than WorthATry, I find HARD to believe, given my situation with OM), "affairs happen in so many marriages", etc just make me go through the roof. I'm just so sick of hurting and even though it's "only" been 22 days since d-day, I'm about "affaired-out", if you know what I mean. I want HER to hurt for a change. I'm going to try and enjoy myself this weekend and let her see what it's like to be alone for a while. Let OM come over and give some help around the house with homework, baths, meals, cleaning, financially, etc. Sure, I'll probably be right back Sunday night, but I need to feel good about myself for a day or two. Take care until then...<P>Brad

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When my H first told me about the PA that I thought was an EA and that it lasted over a year with a 21 year old I was furious, I raged and cried and screamed and the next day I packed my bags and went to a motel for 3 days. The motel had a work-out room and a jacuzzi. It was very hard and very lonely and I kept wanting to call but I didn't. I left him my pager # but he never called which was good. I went to a funny movie by myself and sat between two couples and had a great time. I called a couple of friends and met one for breakfast and one for dinner which really helped the lonliness. If there is a friend that you could get together with that will help. I read books and really did things I wanted. By the end of the 3 days I felt like I could make it without him. It really helped me feel empowered. I think it will be good for you. After 8 years since the affair my H finally said he was sorry and cried. I've only known about the sex part for 5 weeks. He is starting to be honest about his feelings. It can change. Hang in There. I will keep you in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>

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Brad,<P>Hope you had a good wkend or have one? I know it is hard to hang in there but try.

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Yo Brad - how's it going? Give us an update! We care!!<P>WAT


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