Can some one please help me understand why I need to try to be so nice when all I want to do is scream, rant, and rave over this feeling of fristration, confusion, of feeling unworthy, unloved, unwanted, and rejected? Will I ever get my sanity back regarding my marriage? Or will I always have this doubt, this gut wrenching fear that H. doesn't think I am worth his affection? When will my husband open his eyes and see me, the real me? I thought that after 17 years he would know by now! I thought things could only get better, but now they are worse! What am I suppose to do now? What am I supposed to say to my children? What am I supposed to do that I haven't already tried, but Hubby doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that an EA is still an affair. That I still feel betrayed. I have told him this, and he tells me I should drop it. That it is unhealthy for me to ask so many questions about something in the past. Can anyone out there help? Gn

Dear Snugglermi, My H affair started out emotional and then turned to sex as well. The book Surviving an Affair does discuss how an emotional affair is still a breach of trust because it takes away from your relationship. The fact is that he will start sleeping with her if he hasn't already. At the time 8 years ago my husband told me he was in love with another woman but it was only emotional not physical. Last month after 8 years he finally told me it was full blown sexual and lasted a year. As far as the rage goes, I raged and screamed and cried, I left for a motel for 3 days when I found out and did not tell him where I was going. Actually that was good for me because it made me feel empowered. I threated to sue his butt for divorce and said that I would clean his clock. That scared him too. One night when he told me where that used to make love in the basement at work, I became so enraged I started hitting him and cussing at him and kicking him. He literally laid on the floor while I beat him up--he even had bruises later. I felt awful afterwards and promised to never do that again, it didn't make me feel any better at all. In fact, it made him think of the OW and wanting to call her, although he didn't. After reading His Needs, Her Needs and the SAA book, I have been doing plan A and it's working. I have been cooking nice meals everynight with music on when he comes home. I try to get the kids settled before he comes home because he said he needed peace and quiet in our home. I make him coffee in the morning although he is sleeping at his business and comes home in the morning to take the kids to school. I have decided not to bring up the OW and instead focus on our relationship and what is lacking. He met me at a restaurant and told me his feelings of where he felt pressure from to provide happiness that he couldn't fulfill. That was a breakthrough. Write in a journal your anger. Tell him in a non-angry way that you feel very hurt about his relationship with OW and that it pains you greatly that he continue to talk with her. Ask him to read the books. Also, it has helped me to express my anger with friends and say everyhing i'd like to say to him but can't. I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps.<P>------------------<BR>

I had hope to get some answers, and I thank you for your advice. I get scared some times, thinking I am being used by my H. Then other times all I can think about is having him home to love me and hold me tight. He is a wonderful husband, father, and friend. He just made a bad choice. I want him to know how I feel, but I am afraid to tell him to often, because I am afraid he will see it as being overly possessive. What now? Gn